My Knight, My Protector, My Love
by Voltron Queens
Summary: There are two sides to every story and sometimes discovering the other side helps us see that some times things are not what you think they might be... K/A Focus Rated M for strong language and sexual situations
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to our first story written together…for now we wish to keep our identities a secret, but promise to reveal ourselves in the last chapter…see if you can figure out who we are. Many thanks to our beta readers…you know who you are.

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to any WEP characters…real or imaginary…such a pity.

**My Knight, My Protector, My Love**

Chapter 1: Sad Goodbyes, Bittersweet Return

_Strength...such a descriptive word. It can be used to describe a person, an animal or a machine...just about anything. But what does it really mean to be considered strong? Does it mean you are strong of limb or strong of mind? In the case of a machine, does it mean it is unbeatable or is it only capable of being used for things that a normal human could not possibly do?_

_Strength...so descriptive yet it can be so misleading... What is a strong person? Someone who can physically carry more than the next person... Or is it someone who can weather a storm that would beat down the average person? When a person is considered strong...what happens if they fall? After all, everyone has their breaking point...even a strong person..._

* * *

_A daisy hangs, twirling in front of her eyes as she opens them. A bright smile crosses her lips as she looks up to find him smiling down at her, "Hello love..."_

_Reaching up for the flower, she takes it within her hands and holds it to her nose before whispering, "It smells pretty."_

_He continues to smile at her as he leans down to kiss her lips. A sigh escapes her as she reaches up with both hands to wrap them around his neck, the free hand tangling in his silky hair while he continues to kiss her. A moment later he breaks the kiss, his dark eyes intensely staring down into hers as he whispers, "I love you my Princess..."_

"_And I you...my knight...my protector...my love." Pulling him down to her, she kisses him once more._

Sighing as she feels the hand shaking her shoulder again, Allura finally quits her dream and opens her eyes. Finding an irritated Nanny in front of her, she sits up in bed while quietly saying, "Morning Nanny."

"Good morning Princess. You've overslept again and missed breakfast." The governess tells her as she places a tray over her lap.

Yawning, Allura glances disinterestedly at the food on the tray before setting it aside, "It's alright Nanny. I'm not very hungry."

Nanny straightens up from picking up an item of clothing off the floor to retort, "You didn't eat last night...you will eat this morning!"

Allura meets the stubborn expression in her governess' face before sighing as she looks back at the tray once more. Picking up a slice of toast, she nibbles on it while standing up and walking over to her window.

Her eyes drift down to the tarmac to the right side. Turning around, she asks Nanny, "Why is there a ship down there?"

Nanny finishes placing the bed pillows on the bed then starts pulling the blankets into place before answering, "That is the Commander's shuttle. He is leaving this morning."

"WHAT!?"

Turning toward the windows, Nanny is taken aback by how pale Allura suddenly is as she drops her toast on the floor while running forward. Grabbing the governess' shoulders she rapidly questions, "What do you mean? Keith's leaving? No one told me about him leaving!?"

Sputtering, Nanny replies, "He announced it last night at dinner, Princess. This place holds too many memories for him...he's transferring back to Earth. Commander Holgersson will be taking his place until Garrison sends another commander."

Allura barely listens to the last of Nanny's words as she cries out, "NO!" then turns away, running across the room for the door.

"PRINCESS! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING DRESSED LIKE THAT?!" Nanny screams after her as she quickly follows Allura out of the room.

* * *

Lance carries Keith's bag on one shoulder and Lila's in his hand as he follows his friend toward the shuttle. Hunk and Pidge follow along limply, their sadness evident. Keith cuddles Lila against his chest, his mind at war with his heart as the shuttle gets closer.

Sighing once they are in front of it, Keith smiles at Lance as he steps by and handing Keith's bags to the attendant inside. His eyes moving to the other two men, Keith smiles softly while saying, "I guess this is it."

Wiping tears from his eyes, Pidge whispers, "Bye Cap..."

"Don't forget to message us..." Hunk states as he wipes at his cheeks.

Keith smiles and nods at them, replying, "I won't..." He turns as Lance steps beside him to question, "Sure you can't wait another hour or so until Sven arrives?"

Shaking his head, Keith quietly answers, "No...I can't." Meeting Lance's eyes, he adds, "This is hard enough now."

Lance sighs deeply as he says, "I wish you wouldn't go..." At the look on Keith's face, he adds, "But I understand why you need to leave."

Nodding at him in reply, Keith whispers, "Thanks."

Trying to smile at him, but failing, Lance swears then pulls Keith to him in a one armed hug, being careful not to crush the baby in Keith's arms. Pulling back, Lance wipes at the tears forming in his eyes then states, "Take care of that beautiful little girl...don't let her date guys like me."

A true smile crosses Keith's face as he nods then replies, "You better believe it..."

Hitting him on the arm, Lance smiles sadly back then watches as Keith turns and walks onto the shuttle. As the door closes, all three men start back for the castle, stopping just before the entrance to watch as the shuttle starts its engines.

"NO! STOP THAT SHUTTLE!"

Lance turns as Allura comes running out of the castle entrance in her nightgown. She runs past them toward the shuttle still yelling, "NO! STOP!" Lance runs forward to stop her once he realizes her intent to run at the departing ship. He grabs her and she turns, starting to hit and kick at him as she screams, "NO!"

"Dammit Allura!" Lance starts as he tightens his hold on her, "Stop it!"

Allura isn't listening to him; her eyes are on the shuttle as it lifts up into the air then heads into the sky. Her eyes stay on it until she can't see it anymore as she continues to scream, "NO! KEITH...NO!" Turning she grabs onto Lance, tears streaming out of her eyes, "Stop him! Bring him back...I know you can bring him back!"

Shaking his head at her in confusion, Lance states, "Allura, he needed to leave..."

A deep, wailing shriek escapes her as she sinks to the ground. Bending down with her, Lance inquires, "Allura? What's wrong?"

Nanny rushes out of the castle toward them, "PRINCESS! PRINCESS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

But she isn't listening to anyone as she continues her screams.

* * *

An hour later, Lance watches from the observation window as Drs. Gorma and Smith bend over a prone Allura, trying to gain a response from her. His eyes move from the bed in which the princess lies unmoving to the face of the older man across from him.

Coran's eyes are teary as he watches the young woman in the room before him. He doesn't turn as he listens to Lance ask, "What the hell happened?"

Shaking his head in answer, Coran continues to watch as Dr. Smith stands up and speaks to Dr. Gorma for a moment before heading for the door. With the door to Allura's room opening, he turns to face Dr. Smith as she steps out, asking, "What is wrong with Princess Allura?"

She sighs deeply before responding, "She has had a total mental breakdown and has retreated into her mind."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Shifting her gaze from Coran to an agitated Lance, she replies, "Princess Allura can't deal with the fact that Commander Keith has left Arus...left her."

Lance's eyebrows arch in question so she continues, "Princess Allura is deeply in love with Commander Keith and can't deal with the fact that he has left. So instead of dealing with reality, she has retreated into her mind, into a fantasy world she has created for herself where he loves her as much as she loves him.

Speechless with shock, Lance looks from Dr. Smith to Coran. He ignores Lance, instead asking, "How do we pull her out of it?"

"I am not sure that we can..." She answers before turning away to look into the room once more. Her eyes move over the Princess of Arus as she lies prone in her bed. She only turns when she hears Lance reply, "There has to be some way to help her!"

Turning back around, her eyes drift over Lance before quietly replying, "Only if you can bring back the Commander."

"Keith...what can he do?" Lance questions as he studies the woman before him.

She releases a sigh as she states, "I think he will be the only one who can pull Allura out of her fantasy world...without him, you might as well start planning her funeral."

Shaking his head, Lance turns to Coran, "I'm going after Keith. Hunk, Pidge and Thomas will remain behind...Sven should be here soon."

At Coran's nod, Lance walks away quickly.

* * *

Holding Lila against his chest as he feeds her, Keith glances around at the other passengers on the shuttle before looking back down on his daughter. A sound outside of the ship briefly grabs his attention and he thinks, _It can't be...What would one of the lions be doing here?_

His attention goes back to the ship when the captain's voice echoes across the comm., "We are making an unscheduled stop... Would Commander Keith Kogane please come to the flight deck?"

Apprehension growing, Keith stands up with Lila in his arms, gathers her diaper bag then walks toward the front of the ship.

* * *

Sitting in Red lion, Lance swears under his breath before pushing the comm. button, "What is taking so long Captain?"

A deep sigh comes across the unit before he hears, "We have asked him to come forward and are waiting...one moment."

A moment later, Keith's voice echoes across, "What the hell is going on Lance?"

"Keith...nice to hear you too..." Lance retorts.

A growling sound comes across before he hears the very agitated voice of his commander saying, "You've got one minute to explain what is going on Lieutenant."

Grimacing at the tone of Keith's voice, Lance replies, "Emergency back on Arus that you are required for...sir."

"What kind of an emergency?"

Lance sighs before responding, "Not one I want to speak about over an open line..." He pauses for a moment then adds in a quiet voice, "I wouldn't have stopped you for just anything, Keith..."

Silence fills the cabin for a moment before he hears, "Very well...they will shuttle me across to the lion."

"I'll be waiting...Red lion, out." Lance turns off his comm. unit then sighs, "He isn't going to be happy..."

* * *

Stepping over the threshold, Keith pushes open the side door to Red lion and steps inside, handing Lance the baby before turning back to grab his bags from the pilot. Once everything is in, he closes the door and reaches for his daughter.

"Shuttle Tiberius detaching..." The sound of a pressurized door releasing outside echoes within the lion.

Lance sighs as he reaches for his comm., "Copy and thanks."

He watches on the monitor until the shuttle is a safe distance away then grabs the controls on the lion and turns to fly back toward Arus.

"What the hell is going on Lance?"

Turning his head, Lance looks into the very serious, very angry eyes of his best friend. He turns back to look at the monitor as he states, "I'm not entirely sure myself..." while thinking, _I am not going to be the one to tell him that Allura is in love with him and is dying because he left..._

"Lance..." He hears his name being growled before Lance starts again, "It has to do with Allura...when you departed...she...freaked out. Now she is lying in MedTech...unresponsive."

Keith is silent for a moment before asking, "So what does that have to do with me?"

Turning to look at Keith again, Lance quietly replies, "I wasn't told much...only that they think you are the only one that can pull her out of it." Turning back to look out the monitors once more he finishes, "So I did as asked and came for you."

Silence fills the cabin for several moments until Lila starts crying. Looking over at Keith, he watches as Keith pulls her up onto his shoulder, gently patting her back to calm her. Sighing once more, Lance turns back to the monitors, "We will be there in an hour."

The rest of the ride in the lion is silent until Lance enters Arus airspace, "Control, this is Red lion, requesting permission to land in front of the castle."

"Lance...is Keith with you?" Coran's worried voice carries inside the lion.

Lance sighs as he answers, "Yes...we will meet you in MedTech. Red lion out." He flips off the comm. before anything else can be said then works the controls to land in front of the castle.

* * *

Once on the ground, Lance leads Keith back into the castle. They walk quickly down the hallway and soon reach their destination. Following Lance into MedTech, Keith watches Coran quickly walk up to him, "Thank God...you are here." Keith doesn't respond to him as Lance asks, "How is she?"

"The same I'm afraid...if they poke her with a pin, she will move the limb, but otherwise will not respond." Coran states as he looks at Keith hopefully.

Keith maintains his silence until Lila starts crying in his arms. Changing her position, Keith pats her back gently as he whispers to her in a calming voice. His eyes look up when Romelle's voice echoes down the hall, "Keith?"

The woman who could almost be Allura's twin walks down the hallway on Sven's arm. Her blue eyes move to the infant in Keith's arms as they approach and she asks, "May I?"

Reluctantly, Keith hands his daughter over, his eyes watching Romelle closely as she coos to the baby in her arms while moving over to a chair in the waiting area. He only looks away when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Turning his head, Keith finds Sven smiling softly at him, "She will be fine...Romelle won't let anything happen to her."

Nodding in reply, Keith glances over at Lance, who gestures him to follow him down the hall. Slowly Keith follows Lance, each step a bit slower than the one before it. Sighing when Lance pauses before an observation window, Keith glances inside to find Allura lying on her side in the bed. Nanny sits behind her, brushing her hair and seemingly speaking to her.

His eyes move to Allura's face, her eyes stare ahead unseeingly, blinking occasionally. Unable to look at her anymore, Keith turns away from the observation window to ask, "So what do you expect me to do about it?" Anger tinges his tone as he growls out, adding, "What does any of this have to do with me?"

"It has everything to do with you!" Coran's voice echoes down the hallway as he approaches them with Dr. Smith in tow.

Keith turns his glare onto Coran as he replies, "And how could I possibly be responsible for Princess Allura's condition?"

As Coran opens his mouth to respond, Dr. Smith places a hand on his shoulder, "Gentlemen please...fighting and bickering like this will not gain us anything." Her eyes move to Keith, "Commander if you would please follow me, I'll explain exactly why your presence is required."

Turning to Lance, Keith starts to ask, "Can you..." but Lance cuts him off, "Between Romelle, Sven and I, I think we can handle Lila for a while."

Nodding at him, Keith turns and follows Dr. Smith down the hallway.

* * *

Entering her office, Dr. Smith gestures to the chair in front of her desk. Keith sits down then watches the doctor closely as she moves around the desk and sits down. Before she says anything, Dr. Smith opens a desk drawer and pulls out a sheet of paper. Reaching across the desk, she states, "Read this."

Keith reaches forward and picks up the paper. His eyes move over it, widening as he reads:

_I'm sorry...I hurt everyone I love...especially the one I love, Keith. My love hates me...he's left me for another...he loves another. Why do I always lose the ones I love?_

With his eyes continuing to move over the lines of the paper, the frown lines along his eyes and mouth grow. Finally when he is finished, Keith looks back up, "What is this?"

"A page of Allura's journal...a journal Coran found after Princess Allura retreated into her subconscious when you left." Dr. Smith replies. She sighs as she reaches forward and takes the paper away from Keith to place it back in a file then puts the file back into her desk.

"What does this have to do with me?" Keith asks.

Dr. Smith studies him for a moment before asking, "What do you know of Allura's habits for the last six months or so?"

Keith shakes his head at her, "Nothing. It's none of my business what the Princess of Arus does."

Arching a brow at the tone of Keith's voice when he added the last bit, Dr. Smith finally states, "So you haven't noticed her spacing off during meetings only to be startled when someone says her name loud enough?"

Shaking his head once more, Keith remains silent as he studies the woman before him. Sighing, Dr. Smith replies, "She was going off in her mind..."

Sitting up in up in his chair, Keith studies the doctor before him, "What do you mean by that?"

"When Princess Allura can't handle the reality of a situation, she has retreats into her mind...into a world of fantasy where she can make things the way she needs them to be..."

Keith sighs as he sits forward, "Yes...but what does that mean?"

Dr. Smith grimaces as she crosses her fingers at the tips while studying the young man before her. After thinking things through for a moment, she finally starts, "Everyone has a breaking point...you understand this...the point that they can no longer handle something and mentally break down."

At his nod, she continues, "You are Princess Allura's breaking point."

As Keith looks taken aback, Dr. Smith explains, "Commander, please remember what this world was like when you first arrived. Princess Allura was alone with her advisor...had been for years. Her parents were dead, any childhood friends she had were either dead or enslaved by Zarkon. She had lost just about everything and everyone that had mattered to her...yet she endured. Most people would have broken at that point. Instead, she became a strong young woman who fought for her planet beside the men that had come to save her."

With the look in Keith's eyes turning to one of deep thought, the doctor continues, "I can tell you from my sessions with her that in that first year she thought herself in love with you, but kept it to herself. Part of that was fear...she had lost so much already that she was afraid to let someone in that close once more and risk losing them."

At the slightly shocked look on Keith's face, Dr. Smith smiles at him, "Coran taught her well how to hide her emotions and play the politician." Clearing her throat she continues, "She wasn't aware that you were seeing Jocelyn until you announced your engagement. You can imagine what that did to her...she saw all her dreams ground to dust as you kissed your fiancée amidst the applause of the rest of the Force. The politician in her stepped up though and she tried to be happy for you even as a part of her was dying inside. Even though she hadn't spoken of her love for you, she felt it deeply."

"Allura really did try to be happy for you...but as she saw her life ahead of her, empty and alone...void of the love she had always dreamed of having, something inside her broke. She told me how she went to you, begging you not to marry Jocelyn the night before your wedding and it ended in a fight that ruined your friendship."

At Keith's curt nod, Dr. Smith sighs, "Even then...the damage to her frame of mind started. She lost not only the love she dreamed of...but your friendship." Keith says nothing as the doctor studies him closely for a moment before starting again, "But you were still here. She could see you every day, hear the sound of your voice and even talk to you at times...when it was related to the security of Arus, since that was the only time you would speak to her."

Keith's silence continues. Dr. Smith sits back in her chair, her mind going over everything said and done in the last year before she starts again, "Allura started at that point to go into that fantasy world in her mind. It wasn't all the time...only when the pressure was too much for her. She would claim headaches or being exhausted and go to her room, lying in bed, day dreaming about what she thought she should have had...namely you, holding her, loving her, living your life with her."

"Then Jocelyn died during child birth..." Dr. Smith stops for a moment when Keith's eyes flash his rage. Clearing her throat, she starts again, "Please understand that Allura was very conflicted in her emotions. On one hand, she felt terrible for the pain she knew you were in...the loss of loved ones was something all too familiar to her. But deep inside...she also saw this as her second chance. To her, Jocelyn's death was God telling her that now...after all of her suffering and waiting, you would be hers.

She watches the emotions moving across Keith's face as he tries to cope with the reminder of what he lost and what that loss meant to Allura. His voice is broken when he replies, "So...when she...approached me..."

Dr. Smith nods, "She was offering two things...comfort because she knew you were hurting from your loss and her love."

"And I rejected both..." Keith whispers as he looks away, wiping tears out of his eyes.

Smiling sympathetically at the man before her, Dr. Smith replies, "Yes...well, Allura's timing wasn't the best there."

A soft snort escapes Keith and Dr. Smith forces away the smile threatening to widen on her face. Sitting forward in her chair once more, she starts again, "So...you rejected her for a second time. This time for Allura, was worse than the first...because the first time you had Jocelyn, whom you loved, which she could understand. But she couldn't understand why you would turn her away the second time, when you were hurting and alone with a baby to raise."

Keith opens his mouth to say something then shuts it again. Dr. Smith nods at him, "Believe me...I understand why you rejected her Commander. You don't need to explain it to me." At Keith's nod, she continues, "She retreated farther into her fantasy world at this point. Allura wasn't eating much, was barely doing her job as princess. Her depression became obvious to everyone around her...at least to those that paid attention. I spoke to Coran many times about pulling her away from everything so I could work with her in a secluded place, much like having her committed. But he refused..."

Shaking her head at the memory of those conversations, Dr. Smith finally finishes, "Last night when you announced you were leaving Arus the following morning, Allura wasn't at dinner, so didn't learn of it until this morning as you were boarding the shuttle with your daughter. She raced down to the tarmac, getting there in time to see the shuttle take off. Everything inside her shattered...you were gone, never to return and Allura would spend her life alone, without even being able to at least see you or hear the sound of your voice. After she stopped screaming, Allura retreated fully into her fantasy world, because she can't handle a world without you in it at all."

Keith runs his hand through his hair as Dr. Smith finishes, unable to fathom that his decisions had so affected Allura. After a long silence, he finally looks back up, "What am I supposed to do?" Without waiting for the doctor to answer, he stands up and begins pacing the room, pausing to add, "Spend my life with her to keep her happy? What about what I want...what I need?"

Dr. Smith sighs as she watches the agitated young man before her. Standing up, she moves to the window and looks out of it, not seeing the landscape but the problem before her. Turning back around, she notes that Keith had finally stopped pacing and was watching her intently. "I don't know what you are supposed to do Commander. I only promised to explain to you why your presence was requested and they forced you back."

Stepping forward, she looks imploringly on him, "Princess Allura's problems do not lie strictly in her need for you to be here, they go back much farther to the loss of her parents and loved ones. I don't know if she ever fully dealt with their loss and her sense of losing you only brought everything forth once more. She needs to be able to deal with people she loves, whether it is a friend, family or lover, leaving...and she can't."

Her eyes hold his as she adds, "I would ask you to stay at least long enough for us to pull her out of that fantasy world she has escaped to and give us some time to treat her underlying problems. I don't expect you to tell her you love her or be with her as a man who is in love with a woman would. Be her friend...help us to heal her."

Keith sighs deeply as he runs his hand through his hair. After a moment of silence, he finally looks up to state, "I haven't been her friend in almost a year...what would happen if I decline and leave?"

Dr. Smith moves over to her chair and sits once more. Her eyes move over Keith slowly before she brutally states, "In my opinion...we won't be able to pull Allura out of that fantasy world in her mind without your help. She will slowly wither and die in that bed in MedTech."

Her eyes move over Keith as he clenches and unclenches his fists while gritting his teeth, his eyes showing how angry he truly is over everything. When he speaks a moment later, Dr. Smith has to ask, "What?" as she didn't hear his quiet response.

"I need to think about this..."

Dr. Smith nods quietly in response and watches as Keith walks out of the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for the long wait…what can we say…life gets busy sometimes, especially when you are working on more than one story at once. ;) One note...all diary entries will be in bold/italics. That's the one limitation of this website...you lose some of the formating advantages you have in MS Word with regard to fonts and indents. :p

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to any WEP characters…

Chapter 2: A Look Inside Her Heart

* * *

Walking over to one of the palace balconies, Keith tries to calm down the rage that insists in overtaking him. Shaking his head to try to clear his mind, he doesn't notice a figure coming up behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He startles at first, but the visitor's voice calms him down, "Commander…thank you for coming back." Coran's voice softly whispers to him.

Keith turns around to find Coran's face filled with worry, sadness and even despair. "I'm not sure if I can even help her Coran."

Ignoring his statement, Coran walks past him and faces Arus' landscape. "Did I ever tell you about the scare that Allura gave us when she was about five years old?"

A bit confused by Coran's behavior, Keith shakes his head and decides to humor the old advisor. "No, can't say that you have."

"Before the invasions, one of Allura's favorite things was story telling. She loved when Nanny read books to her or told her stories." Coran explains as he remembers fondly. "Her favorites, of course, were the ones about a princess and her knight. The Terran tales were the ones that always kept her interest."

"Coran…" Keith begins, but Coran quickly cuts him off raising his hand to stop him.

"Well…one day while Nanny read to her, Princess told her that she had found a way to travel to those places Nanny had read to her in the past. Nanny soon found out that Princess 'travelled' to different parts of the castle, reenacting those stories."

Keith smiles as he sees Coran's face. The older man looks like he is taking his own journey into the past.

Sighing and smiling Coran continues, "At first it was easy to find Princess, Nanny and I made sure to know what parts of the castle belonged to which story. But soon Allura's imagination exploded. The number of "spots" increased and it was getting harder and harder to find her at times."

"She was a creative child…" Keith interjects.

Nodding in agreement, Coran looks at him briefly, "Yes…she was. Anyway, one day Nanny could not locate Princess anywhere. Now worried, she called me into the search. We searched every spot to no avail, even the King and Queen were called in. We thought the worst, by then the Drules had commenced attacks on Arus. Zarkon and Alfor had recently broken ties and we thought the Drules had captured the princess…maybe held her for ransom."

"I'm thinking this wasn't the case?" Keith asks.

Coran shakes his head, "No…I think this time we let our imagination get the better of us. We found Allura after an extensive, two hour search."

Curious now, Keith raises his brow, "Where?"

"The kitchen pantry." Coran simply adds with a small laugh, "Nanny found her bathed in fudge."

Keith smiles as he imagines the small, blond haired child, chocolate covering her from head to toe. _'Oh, boy, what awaits me with Lila?'_

"When Nanny asked her why she hid there, do you know what Princess answered?"

Keith shakes his head, his small smile telling Coran his interest was piqued.

"She told her that she had traveled back a while ago and came back hungry. She looked for Nanny, but since she couldn't find her, she thought she would make lunch for herself."

Keith let out a small laugh, "Guess she was creative and resourceful."

Nodding, Coran answered, "Yes, indeed. Princess had a way of bringing you into her world without you even knowing it. I guess in a way…she still does." Turning to Keith, Coran looks at him, "I know it will be hard for you to stay. After all you've been through...this place may not be home to you anymore. Losing Jocelyn is probably the worst thing you've faced."

Keith looks down, forcibly burying that awful feeling that sprouts each time Jocelyn's name comes up. Coran, however, does not stop. "I know she was a precious gift to you Keith, the type of a rare gift that sometimes comes once in a lifetime."

Forcing back his tears, Keith simply nods in agreement. He does not notice as Coran retrieves a medium sized book from the inside of his blazer. "Which is why you'll understand how I will feel if I lose…mine."

Keith looks up and meets Coran's eyes, then lowers his gaze to the book the older man offers him, "Coran, what's that?"

"Everything you need to get Princess Allura back to us." He simply answers. "Commander, even though you do not love her, she loves you with such passion that I believe surpasses even the love her parents had for each other."

Keith looks at Coran with immense surprise, "How…how would you know that?"

"I read about it while Lance was gone retrieving you and while you spoke to Dr. Smith. This is Allura's journal." He hands it to Keith who takes it a bit apprehensively at first. "In order to bring her back, you'll need to know how she truly feels about you and what made her go into this world that currently has a hold on her."

Sighing in frustration, Keith looks at Coran, "Even if I read this, I still don't understand what I'll have to do to bring her back Coran."

Coran gently holds Keith's shoulder. "I know it will come to you." He finishes as he walks away.

After Coran leaves, Keith looks at the journal. _'Holy shit, what the hell am I going to do now?'_

* * *

Walking back down the hallway with Allura's journal in his hand, Keith enters MedTech and glances around the waiting area to find it empty. Sighing deeply, he continues down the hall to Allura's room nodding to the nurse at the nurse's station outside of the ICU unit. Looking through the observation window, his eyes move over her prone form for a moment before taking a deep breath, Keith walks over to the door and presses the button to open it.

Stepping inside, he nods to the nurse who is sitting beside Allura as she rises and walks out of the room. Taking her chair, Keith studies Allura closely for several long moments, taking in her pale face and the long, blond hair that used to shine like the sun but now hangs limply along her side. '_Everything about her looks...almost dead...' _He studies the sapphire, blue eyes that used to shine with laughter and happiness but now stare out unseeingly toward him. '_Even her eyes look dead...'_

Shuddering at the thought, Keith clears his throat then whispers, "Allura?" When she fails to respond, he sits up in the chair and speaks louder, "Allura! Look at me!"

Sighing when she only blinks her eyes, Keith sits back in the chair then looks down at the journal within his hands. '_This is supposed to help me understand her...how can that be?' _Shaking his head at his thoughts, Keith opens the leather bound book and opens to the first page:

_**Dear Diary...**_

_**Is that how you should start entries? I really don't know. Coran once told me that he keeps a journal to reflect back on his life...remember things that he might have otherwise forgotten and sometimes just to be able to speak his mind to something that will not need to understand...only listen.**_

_**I decided now is the time to start...since my life is going to now change irrevocably. Until now, I've only known heartache and death...all of my loved ones have been taken from me...all of them except Coran. He likes to tell me tales of days before the invasion...before my parents died. How I was as a child back then... I barely remember any of it and what I do recall seems more like a fairy tale than reality. Was I ever that carefree?**_

_**I'm becoming melancholy...when I should be celebrating. Today a miracle happened! Five men came here from the far away planet, Earth... Galaxy Garrison has finally answered our pleas... They know of the legend of Voltron and want to help us restore him and Arus to the glories we once knew. **_

_**I studied them closely from my hiding place behind the pillars, above the stairs, as they spoke to Coran. There is one, Pidge, who is younger than I am... It is hard to believe that a fourteen year old would be entrusted with such a responsibility. But after speaking with him, I am in awe of the sheer brilliance of his mind. He may be fourteen, but he speaks as an adult with far more knowledge than most adults I've known...not that I know many.**_

_**Then there is Hunk...while he is definitely the largest member of the group and seems a little uncouth and perhaps a bit of a clod...but from what I can see, underneath that shell lays a heart of gold... I found him to be knowledgeable about mechanics but his heart belongs to children, any child...the rage he showed when I spoke of how Doom has either killed or enslaved most of the children...I was almost afraid for a moment.**_

_**Sven...the second in command, he is very quiet. It is almost impossible to know what he is thinking or feeling and yet you can just feel his eyes on you. He is studying us...learning how we think, how we will react. When he does speak...it is with compassion for what we've gone through and with a quiet intelligence of a man that can act when needed.**_

_**Lance...this one I will have to watch out for...'the ladies man' of the group as Coran called him. He's very sarcastic...almost to the point of disrespectful, even to his commanding officer. I sense there is more to him though...if one can get past that protective shield he places around himself with his sarcasm... I sense I could have a great friend. That is once he realizes that I can only ever be his friend...he does flirt outrageously...I find myself liking him more and more.**_

_**Finally...Keith...Commander Keith Kogane...he took my breath away when I first observed him. Just from his stance and the way he spoke, I could tell he is used to giving orders and having those orders obeyed. But he has a way about him...his men truly respect him and I can see he considers them his friends...almost his family.**_

_**When I descended the stairs and my eyes met his...my heart almost went out of my chest, it was beating so hard. I felt like I could have lost myself in those dark eyes of his. He held my gaze and never looked away, even as I asked them for their names. His voice went over me like the warmest of waterfalls, making me feel warmer than I have in ages...warm and protected. I could have fainted when he bent down on one knee in front of me, kissed the back of my hand as he promised to protect me and Arus with his life. **_

_**Is he the one? The one of my dreams...my knight...my protector? Oh I am being silly and I know it, but to think that maybe I could have that one great love… A love like in the story books Nanny used to read to me, perhaps even a love greater than what my parents had for each other. Well, time will tell and in the mean time, I had best get to bed. Tomorrow we look for the key to Black lion...missing from my father's crypt. It has to be in the castle somewhere...**_

_**Allura**_

Keith closes the journal, traveling back in his mind to that day so long ago...when he had promised to protect the woman before him. His eyes move over her prone form once more before he whispers, "I'm sorry Allura..."

Unable to read anymore, Keith rises and leaves the room with the journal in his hand. Walking slowly down the hall, feeling like the weight of the world is on his shoulders, He nods to a nurse he passes as he walks out of MedTech.

* * *

Keith heads toward the rec room as the sounds of his friends' voices become clearer. He walks in to find Lance playing with Lila lifting her up and down slightly above his head as he sits on the sofa.

"Lila, you like your uncle Lance because he's going to spoil you rotten, unlike that hard-ass your Daddy is. Can you say 'hard-ass daddy'?" Lila looks at him dumbfounded.

"Lance, quit teaching Lila profanities." Keith grumbles as he walks in.

Lance turns and brings the baby back to his chest as the others turn to look at Keith intently.

"Have you been able to help her?" Romelle asks, letting go of Sven's arm to stand up from the sofa.

"I...no." He simply replies.

"Then why did they make us bring you back?" Hunk asks.

"Because of this," Keith answers holding out the journal.

"What's that?" Pidge asks.

"It's Allura's journal." He tells them as he takes a seat facing all of them. Romelle turns and returns to her seat next to Sven asking, "How did you get her journal?"

Keith sighs deeply, "Coran gave it to me to read..."

"How could he do that?" Romelle asks, her face turning red with her anger. Keith turns his head, but before he can answer, she adds, "That contains her private thoughts...Allura would be horrified to know that someone has been reading it."

"Romelle, he feels it is the only way to bring her out of this state she is in..." Keith explains to her. Nodding, Romelle sits back, but her eyes still show her doubt. He continues to speak, "It appears that Allura is in love with me and my leaving caused her current state."

At that statement Romelle lowers her head and keeps quiet, as if lost in thought. Keith picks up on her behavior but decides to refrain from asking about it. Somehow, he knows Romelle isn't ready to speak.

"Unbelievable." Lance states as he rubs Lila's back, even though he had heard about it a bit earlier. Lila makes a gurgling sound to which he looks down on her to make sure she is all right. "So, how does Smith think you can help?"

"I have no idea," Keith begins. "I spoke to Coran, though. He told me that somehow I would find the answer in her journal." he finishes as he taps the cover of the journal with his fingers.

"I can't believe that the Princess feels this way about you. She never did anything that would give it away." Pidge answers, shaking his head.

Keith sighs and nods in agreement. "You're telling me. Did any of you ever see something, either in her words or actions, which provided a hint of her feelings for me?"

The group either voices a no or shakes their heads. Romelle adds, "The few times I spoke to her at length, you were never a topic."

"Keith, Allura never showed any signs or even said anything to indicate she was in love with anyone." Lance replies.

Looking away, Keith thinks back to his conversation with Dr. Smith earlier then asks, "What about her being depressed and not eating?"

"Depressed?" Hunk inquires, a confused look on his face.

Keith pushes his fingers into his eyes in irritation then lowers his hands and looks at the others, "After..." Taking a deep breath he starts again, "After Jocelyn died, Dr. Smith said Allura's depression became obvious to those that paid attention."

Most of the men in the room look away from Keith before Lance clears his throat and finally replies quietly, "We weren't paying attention to her Keith...anymore than you were. I stopped paying attention to what she was doing after your wedding, when we stopped being friends." His attention moves back to the baby in his arms as Lila starts fussing. "Hey kiddo, what's up with you now?"

Standing up, Keith takes the baby bag from the coffee table. "It's time for her feeding and a bath. I better get to my room and get her ready for bed."

"We put your bags back in your room, Cap." Hunk tells him as Keith turns around and walks over to Lance who hands the baby to him.

"Thanks Hunk."

"And Lila's crib is also prepared." Romelle offers with a smile.

Keith sighs and smiles, "Thanks guys. Really…thank you." Carrying Lila, Keith begins to walk out of the rec room. "I'll see you all tomorrow." he tells the group. "Good night."

Watching Keith walk out, Lance calls him out, "Hey Keith!"

"Yes," as he glances back.

"Welcome back."

Keith shakes his head as his eyes darken in irritation. "No, Lance. I'm not back. As soon as Allura gets better, we're leaving." He doesn't wait for anyone's reaction as he turns around and walks out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Oh what a tangled web we weave...thanks to the reviewers for telling us what you think. Any guesses yet?

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to any WEP characters…

Chapter 3: Surprising Insights

Sleep cannot claim him…Keith continues to toss and turn as he tries to fall asleep, realizing that this is a war he will not win. The words he read earlier in the day continue to echo in his mind, _Is he the one? The one of my dreams...my knight...my protector? _Putting his hands over his face, he rubs his eyes.

He hadn't slept much in the last month and a half since Lila was born. She woke up every three hours or so, but sleep always managed to find him when it found Lila. Tonight, however, was a different story. He looked for sleep and somehow, it kept eluding him.

Giving up, he rises from bed, grabs his robe and puts it on. He walks over to his daughter's crib and finds she's completely out in slumber land. A pink teddy bear sits in the corner of the crib. Sven and Romelle took her to one of the villages for a short stroll around the shops. They bought the bear for her there. Seeing that she'd be all right, Keith set the lighting in his room to a dim setting, turned on the baby vidscreen and picks up the journal before he heads out to the rec room.

Minutes later, he places the vidscreen unit on the coffee table and turns it on. Immediately, he could see Lila still sleeping peacefully in bed as he lies down on the sofa and opens the book. Taking a deep breath to gather the strength to continue, he begins to read a few of the entries after the first one. He smiles as he takes a trip to the past, remembering all the events and battles Allura describes. He notices particularly how Allura's entries mostly relate to him, his feelings and what he says or does. _'She recorded everything I did in this book!'_

Surprised by her details of his actions, he is mesmerized by how Allura paid so much attention to him. He is even more surprised that he never noticed. The Captain of the Voltron Force was known for his talent to notice everything, yet he never noticed the beautiful princess watching over him. _'Right in front of my eyes!'_ he thinks shaking his head.

He continues reading and gets to a particular entry. His eyes widen, "Oh God," he states out loud.

"Oh God what?" He hears a voice call out. Keith looks up to find Sven standing by the door.

"Sven, what are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep." he replies, walking in and taking a seat on one of the chairs adjacent to the sofa Keith lies on. "It's been quite a day. I'm still wired."

"Same here." Keith nods in understanding.

"How's the reading going along?"

Hesitant at first, Keith pauses, but decides to continue. "Allura wrote this thing with such accuracy and detail, that I feel like I'm transported back in time as I read it." he begins. "She even wrote when Haggar attacked you."

"Really?" Sven asks a bit surprised.

"Aha. Look at what she wrote." Keith sits up and begins to read Allura's words aloud.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**The sun is setting as I write these words to you. It has been…a most tragic day. I've lost another family member, at least for the moment. Sven was injured today by the hands of Haggar when we went to one of the villages to bring food for the people. She nearly killed him. Another one...another loved one hurt by the hands of Zarkon. I try to appear strong, but I'm dying inside. When I saw Sven, I wished it had been me. He nearly died to protect a planet that isn't his and people who still don't know who or what this man stands for. It isn't fair. He shouldn't have suffered the way he did. I can't help to think I contributed to his injuries. After all, I am the reason they are here. I, who can't defend anyone, who can't even put together an army to fight for my own planet...I, who am utterly helpless. What kind of damn princess am I? I am weak and others are paying for it.**_

_**Sven, on the other hand, has the inner strength that I long for. Will I ever have a chance to gather an inkling of it?**_

_**Diary, you should have seen Keith. He played the role of the strong Commander, the one who motivated the team, but I know he was dying inside. I think he blames himself as much as I do. When he saw his friend leave on the ship taking him to Planet Ebb, I felt like hugging him. He looked like he needed someone...someone to tell him everything was going to be all right. I couldn't. I find it hard to even keep eye contact with him. I'm afraid I'll blush if I keep staring at him for too long. **_

_**Then, he'll know. I can't take that chance now...he can't know…not yet.**_

_**I do want to help Keith. I want to prove to him that I am more than just a scared child who needs constant protection. I want to show him that I am more than what he sees. **_

_**Earlier today I went to visit father. While speaking to him, an idea came to mind. Keith told me that asking for a Garrison Pilot, who could take over for Sven, would take some time. So I've decided to take out Blue at night and practice. Perhaps then I'll be able to prove to Keith that I can help them and finally take an active role in truly helping my people. It is my duty. My father died for our people. Today, after seeing Sven, I vow the same. I will die for my people, but I will also die for my friends, my new family. If they are willing to give up their lives for a Princess that they hardly know, I must be willing to do the same. They deserve this and much more.**_

_**I'm also flying for Sven. He deserves revenge and I'm willing and able to do that for him. Zarkon will stop destroying my family. This ends today.**_

_**Allura**_

"Wow!" Sven's eyes widen. "I didn't think she felt that way."

"All this time we thought about giving up our lives for her and she was doing the same thing without us realizing it." Keith states as the guilt begins to boil within him. "Do you understand that your injury actually made her stronger? Sven, you were the cause for her change. You inspired her."

Shocked, Sven doesn't know how to reply. "I'm…I didn't think she thought of us as family so early on."

"It's amazing how she became attached to us so quickly…" Keith replies. "I was so hard on her."

"Keith, you did what you needed to do to make her stronger. Otherwise, she would have perished in the hands of Zarkon or Lotor."

Keith closes the book, "Still..." Suddenly, he hears Lila begin to cry. He looks at the vidscreen to find her wide awake and moving in her crib. "Guess, it's feeding time." he says, standing up. "I better get to bed. Tomorrow is going to be another hell of a day."

Standing up as well Sven answers, "You're right. Good night Keith."

"Night buddy." Keith answers as he picks up his belongings and quickly walks out to go to Lila.

Sven walks out of the rec room, but instead of returning to his room, he heads over to MedTech. Quietly, he enters Allura's room. A dim light looms over to the side, but it's bright enough to see Allura in bed, appearing to be sleeping peacefully. Sven walks further in and sits on the chair by her bed.

"I never knew you felt this way." He begins, "Thank you for caring so much. Thank you for considering me as family and for caring for me when we knew each other for such a brief time at the beginning. I love you Allura. You're like a baby sister. I need my sister back."

He stands up, but before leaving he lowers himself and whispers in her ear. "Allura, please wake up soon. We miss you. We need you. And…whether he realizes it or not, Keith needs you too. Come back. He won't be able to do this without you."

Looking up at her face, he realizes he saw another side of Allura that he'd never seen before. She may have looked weak to others, but her strength was locked in there and he knew that when she woke up and released it, a stronger Allura would rise and she would surprise everyone. Well, everyone but himself.

"Good night my sister," he found himself telling her, before kissing her forehead and walking out of her room.

* * *

Keith awakens a few hours later when he hears his daughter crying in her crib. Groaning tiredly, he rises from his bed and walks to the crib while yawning. "Come on munchkin..." he whispers while picking her up into his arms.

After changing her diaper, Keith settles into a rocking chair with her, her bottle propped against his chest while she drinks her breakfast. Yawning and rubbing his face with his free hand, Keith's eyes move to the journal sitting on the side table. Shaking his head at the temptation, he forces his gaze back to his daughter.

Once Lila has been fed and burped, Keith leaves her lying on his bed, moving her arms and legs as she smiles and gurgles. Smiling at his daughter, he dresses quickly then puts extra diapers and other items in her diaper bag. His eyes drift to the journal once more. Sighing as he picks it up, Keith places it in the bag then puts the bag over his shoulder.

Walking over to the bed, he laughs as Lila gurgles at him happily. Picking her up, he whispers, "Come on sweetheart...let's see who will watch you while I practice."

Moving down the hall, Keith returns the occasional smile of the maids and guards he passes in greeting then walks into castle control. Shocked, he looks up at the monitors to find the team already engaged in practice.

Reaching the dais, he finds Coran sitting at the controls, listening to the team as they go through their maneuvers, "Coran, they didn't wait for me?"

Coran turns his head, "Good morning Commander. No, Sven decided to take the helm of Black lion this morning so you can spend time with your daughter and the journal."

Keith stiffens and flushes at the reminder of the book he is supposed to be reading. Nodding in answer, his eyes drift over the monitors once more only to look back down when Coran states with a small smile, "They are doing fine Commander...Sven is almost as good of a commander as you are."

Flushing even more, Keith nods then turns around and walks out of the room. Coran sighs as he watches him go then turns back to the controls.

* * *

Holding Lila close to him, Keith walks back down the hallway toward the rec room. Entering the room to find it empty, he walks over to the couch and sits down with a heavy sigh. Looking down at Lila, he smiles softly at her then moves so that he is lying down on the couch with his daughter on his chest. Reaching down into the diaper bag, Keith extracts the journal and opens it up to the entry he left off at. He glances over it once more then turns the page and loses himself in Allura's memories of the last two years.

Twenty minutes later, Keith chuckles after finishing reading over the first time they had brought Allura with them for self-defense training and she had thrown Lance over her shoulder. _'Her excitement over her achievement is almost palpable through her writing.' _Keith thinks with a smile on his face.

He glances down at a sleeping Lila before turning the page to the next entry.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Today was a most frightening day. Lotor tried once again to kidnap me. I had been with Nanny, Lance and Pidge gathering fruit and on the ride back to the castle, his robeast threw our carriage into the lake.**_

_**All that fruit...wasted. Luckily no one was injured, but the robeast had grabbed me out of the water and was trying to carry me away...**_

Keith shudders slightly at the thought of that thing having Allura within its hands. Vividly remembering that animal of Lotor's, he goes back to the entry.

_**Thank God Pidge is such a good shot. He hit it with his laser gun and the beast dropped me. We took refuge beside a cliff. I held Nanny, she was shaking so badly while Lance and Pidge stood guard.**_

_**The robeast threw a large boulder down from the top of the cliff, we started to run, but Nanny fell and without thinking, I went back for her. I screamed as the boulder came closer and looked away, thinking this was it...we were going to die when I heard the rock hit something hard.**_

_**I looked up to find Black lion standing over us...Keith...my knight, my protector...had saved us again. Nanny and I took refuge in the lion with Keith for the flight back to the castle. I was fighting not to shake as I entered the lion. The look in Keith's eyes...Oh Diary...I wish Nanny hadn't been with us. I felt that, at the moment, he would have held me if I had but asked.**_

_**That look was in his eyes again in castle control when he forbade me from leaving the castle while he and the others went after the robeast. Could this be it Diary? The signal that he thinks of me as more than a friend...a princess?**_

Stopping, Keith sighs deeply while trying to remember what he felt back then. _Damn it...it was almost two years ago...I don't know what I was thinking at the time._ He finishes reading the entry, shaking his head at Allura's gushing over him managing to hit the robeast when it had grabbed her Blue lion and was trying to leave Arus with it.

"I was only doing my job...damn it!" He exclaims.

"What job?"

Keith looks over to the door as Romelle enters. Trying to temper his irritation, he moderates his tone of voice as he answers, "Allura made such a big deal out of little things...looking for hidden meanings when there were none." Taking a deep breath, he finishes, "I was treating her like a friend, a teammate, nothing more."

Romelle smiles sadly at him as she sits down in a chair across from him, "Perhaps...but to her it meant more."

"But to make so much out of nothing..." Keith starts shaking his head in disbelief.

"Keith, you have to understand how a young woman who views herself in love thinks..." Romelle tells him, "Everything has meaning. Every word used...the tone of your voice when you say it, the look on your face, every gesture you make..." She pauses for a moment then finishes, "Especially when we are in love with someone who might not love us."

A sad smile crosses her face as she relates to him, "Before Sven told me he loved me...I did the same thing. I was looking for a sign that he cared for me as more than just a friend but was too afraid to just ask."

Shaking his head again, Keith sits up carefully so he doesn't disrupt Lila's nap. Romelle's eyes move to the little girl then inquires, "Can I hold her?"

Nodding, Keith rises from the sofa to hand her his daughter. He watches as Romelle settles back in the chair with Lila nestled carefully in her arms as she continues to sleep. After watching them for a moment, Keith starts moving about the room, his nervous energy rising until Romelle tells him, "Why don't you go do something else for a while?"

He glances back at her as she smiles at him, "Go workout...take Black out for a ride...anything but pace this room."

A small laugh escapes him at her gentle chiding. His eyes move back down to his daughter, "Do you mind watching..."

"Not at all...just go!" she exclaims.

Smiling at her antics, Keith nods his thanks to her then leaves the room.

* * *

The feeling of flying high above the planet brings a sense of peace to him. He smiles inwardly,_ 'I didn't realize how much I would miss this!' _he thinks to himself. Flying Black was not only an honor, but also a blessing; a privilege, a rare opportunity that not many had and that _he_ would never have again_. 'How could I have given this up?'_

Flying, he now begins wondering if he, in fact, had made the right decision. He keeps telling himself that he is giving it up for the well being of his child, but is it the right decision? This was not his home planet, but it was Lila's. _'Lila is half Arusian. Jocelyn is gone…how will she ever know where her mother came from, where her roots lie? Is it wise to take her away from half of her heritage to take her into a place that even I am now a stranger to?'_

Pulling up on the thrusters, he takes Black higher above the clouds…soaring up into the farthest end of the planet and into space. Looking down on Arus, feelings of guilt begin to resonate within him. He is going to leave the planet he called home for almost four years. He is going to leave not only his family, but people in neighboring villages that although not close to him, thought of him as a friend, a person they could count on. He is leaving them too.

Then a thought strikes him, _'How will I show Lila who I am?' _This is who he is, Captain of the Voltron Force, a pilot, a leader. How can he show his child this? By storytelling? She would never know who he is unless she experiences it, sees it, lives it.

He shakes his head as if tossing these ideas aside. _'No, I can show her. I can tell her. On Earth, she'll learn so much more and she can visit Arus whenever she wants. When she gets older, she'll decide on her own when or if she'll want to come back.' _

Slowly, he begins to descend Black toward the planet as he continuously tries to convince himself that he's made the right decision.


	4. Chapter 4

And on we go…thanks to Misty Gargoyle for the reviews, we truly enjoy them. Let us know what you think dear reader, we enjoy hearing what you think. Many thanks to our editors…you know who you are.

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to any WEP characters…do you think WEP would be willing to sell them to us for a dollar?? ;)

* * *

Chapter 4: I Never Knew She Had It in Her

_He walks along a thick fog of nothingness. Blacks and grays are the only colors he sees as he continues his walk, trying desperately to get out of the nothing. A voice in the winds calls out to him, 'Save her' and echoes along the nothingness. Suddenly through the fog, he sees the back of a slim figure. Her golden hair swings with the wind. _

'_Save her' the echoes continue. _

_He recognizes her, "Allura?"_

_The figure doesn't turn around. He calls out to her again, now more forcefully, "Allura!"_

'_Save her!' _

_He runs to her and turns her around. She looks at him and her eyes are distant, but only for a moment. Her gaze finally falls to his eyes. "Leave me." she orders him._

"_Come back."_

_She shakes her head sadly, "It's too late for me."_

"_No it's not Allura! Come back, we need to come you back!"_

_She smiles at him as she gently caresses his cheek. "No one needs me. Goodbye," she tells him as the fog thickens around them and she slowly disappears from his sight._

"_Allura….Allura….Allura!"_

Keith opens his eyes and finds himself in his office. After taking Black out, he went back to his office to read more of the journal. Looking around, he sits up on the couch he was laying on. "I must have dozed off." He tells himself. Lila had been keeping him up most of the night. The need for sleep was catching up to him. He hears a knock coming from his door, "Enter."

Lance walks in with a stack of paperwork. "Hey, since you're still here…I think I shouldn't have to play the role of Commander, so I'm giving this shit back to you." He grins as he throws the stack of paperwork on his desk. "Also, I believe we will still hold the usual practices and exercises?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Keith answers rubbing his eyes, "Didn't take long for you to rid yourself of real work."

"You know I have no interest in leading the team. I can't handle the boring stuff as well as you do." He looks closer at his friend, "Hey, you alright? You look….kind of spaced out."

Nodding, Keith stands up, "I'm fine." He walks over to his desk and looks over the paperwork. "Hey, this is the file on the new Commander."

"Oh yeah," Lance answers unenthusiastically. "Commander Gregory Paulson, the old bastard taking your place."

Keith laughs, "Come on Lance. The guy is thirty-three, that's hardly old."

"You haven't spoken to him."

"You did?"

"This morning. The Admiral contacted Coran and I this morning. He wanted to know how the Princess is doing and if there is a possibility for you to leave for your new post."

"Did you tell him that I need more time?"

"Yes…he didn't seem too happy. He's going to call back in a few days." Lance replies empathetically. "Anyway, then he presented Paulson to Coran and I."

"And…"

"His name should be Garrison Paulson! The man sweats Garrison. He's so by the book, I'm not sure how he'll handle command here."

Keith turns around and leans on his desk, facing Lance, "He can't be that bad. All Commanders have to follow Garrison commands and bylaws."

At this Lance laughs hysterically. "You….you're telling me this! Keith, how many times have you broken the _bylaws _of the Garrison whenever Lotor or his posse have attacked us? Please, you're the first one that will break the rules if it means saving anyone of us or anybody on Arus."

"You don't think Paulson will?"

"Paulson primary allegiance falls to the Garrison, not Arus, not to its people and Coran's worried."

"Why?"

"Well, when Paulson asked what protocol is used when one of us gets hurt, Coran told him that Sven usually fills in for one of us."

"And what was his answer?"

Lance laughs humorlessly, "He told us that this would change. Since, Sven is no longer a Garrison officer, and belongs now to the Pollux army, he shouldn't be flying the lions with the rest of us in battle. He told us that royalty should remain on land_. 'Since Commander Sven is a Prince Consort, we will need to treat him as royalty, not as a soldier' _were his exact words."

Shocked, Keith continues his questioning, "Did you tell him that Sven is more qualified than he is to fly the lions? Did you tell him that Pollux is Arus' sister planet and we work as one unit?"

"Not me…Coran. He was fuming. Let's just say that our first encounter was tense, to say the least."

Keith shook his head in frustration, "Shit. Another fucking problem."

"I should say so. Wait till Sven finds out. He's going to be livid and Romelle…now she's going to be worse than Sven…I almost feel sorry for Paulson!" Lance smiles. "Now, that is something to look forward to…"

"Lance…"

"What! I need to find something amusing in this entire situation." Lance slaps Keith's shoulder and turns to the door, "Well, I better get going."

"Where are you off to?"

"Well, Pidge and Hunk are taking Lila to the children's playground in Alderia. I'm going with them."

Keith raises his eyebrow, "Isn't Lila a little too young to play at the playground?"

Lance shakes his head, "No child is ever too young to enjoy the playground. Besides, we want to take advantage of the munchkin while she's still here. We want her to have a little fun, it's not like they're going to be any playgrounds where you're taking her." He finishes sarcastically as he walks out of Keith's office.

"Great! Now he's giving me the guilt trip!" Keith sighs harshly. He walks over to his desk chair. Continuing to read Paulson's file, he sighs once more as he thinks about how this new commander will change things on Arus.

* * *

Later that day, walking to the rec room with Lila in her arms, Keith couldn't help but notice Romelle's excitement as he walks in.

"Romelle, I take it that this baby sitting gig is pretty fun for you?"

Romelle blushes a little, "I can't help it. She's precious and I have so much fun taking care of her."

Sven shakes his head, arches his brow and turns to his wife, "Don't get any ideas yet Romelle." He says with half a laugh, "I'm not ready yet."

Romelle rolls her eyes, "Oh please! You practically tear her away from me when none of the guys are present!"

At this Keith laughs, he didn't realize until now, how alone he'd be on Earth without any of his friends around. He wondered how it would have been...going back to Earth, just him and Lila, alone. _'I wouldn't have a babysitter, that's for sure.'_ He thinks as he hands the baby to Romelle, who picks her up excitedly.

"I won't be long." He tells them as he drops the baby bag on the sofa. "I'm going to sit with Allura for a while and then work in my office."

"Have you thought of any way to bring her out of this?" Sven asks concerned.

Keith sighs in frustration as he answers, "I have no idea. Coran told me her journal would give me the answers. I don't know. I feel like I'm intruding. I can't imagine what it would feel like if someone had access to my private thoughts like this."

"Don't fret over this," Romelle counters as she shifts the baby into a more comfortable position for them, "If that's what you need to do to bring her back, then you must."

"Romelle," Keith begins taking a step forward toward her, "Did Allura ever tell you she was in love with me?"

Shaking her head softly, she answers him, "No…not in words at least. Every once in a while I'd catch her looking at you in a peculiar way that captured my attention. When I asked, she'd either change the subject or laugh it off."

"Why would she hide this from you as well?"

"I don't know. Maybe she thought I'd tell Sven. Honestly, Keith, we never really had a chance to converse about it. Something always came up. I don't think Allura was ever given the chance to sit and really talk to anyone."

Curiously, Keith asks, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, whenever I was here, there was either an attack, or she had a royal function, or a meeting with the council or…just something. Allura was consistently pulled somewhere. I guess there really wasn't any time for that kind of in depth conversation."

Nodding in understanding, Keith sighs, "Thanks. Where are you taking Lila?"

"Well, we thought we'd spend some time in the garden. Pidge wants us to bring her to the rec room after lunch so he can play with her." Sven tells him with a smile. "I guess the kid has a warm spot for her."

Keith smiles, "Alright. I'll see you later." He takes the journal out of the baby bag and kisses Lila goodbye before heading to MedTech.

* * *

When he walks in to her room, he sees a nurse checking Allura's vitals and Nanny fixing her hair.

"Hi Nanny…"

The governess gives him a small nod. He notices she has been crying, "I fixed her up. I don't want her to look sloppy when she wakes up."

Keith looks at the princess and then gently holds Nanny's hand, "She looks beautiful."

Nanny, about to cry again, nods before quickly exiting the room.

When the nurse leaves, Keith takes a chair from the corner of the room and sits next to Allura's bed. He notices that Nanny really did a nice job with Allura. She washed and dried her hair. It looks shiny and full as it drops over her shoulders and chest. She had diminished the paleness in her face by adding some blush and a light gloss to her lips.

"You look very pretty Princess." Keith hesitantly tells her. She keeps looking forward, not hearing his words.

He takes a deep breath and continues, "I'm sorry for reading this, but it's the only way I can get you back to me...us…back to us." He quickly corrects himself.

He opens the journal to where he previously had left off.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I did it! Ok, I should tell you first what I did, before getting all excited. A couple of weeks ago, I found Lance in the rec room looking through a book, well…not exactly. He called it a magazine. It's kind of like a book, but the pages are different and it has many pictures along with the words. It doesn't really look like a book either…the thing is pretty strange looking to me, but Lance seems very interested in it. He was particularly interested in the pictures. They were of these beautiful women wearing bras and panties. He said they're not underwear, but rather something called bikinis…**_

"Good Lord!" Keith exclaims as he rolls his eyes, imagining Lance looking over the magazine. _'God, I hope he wasn't looking at the shit he usually looks at!'_ he thinks to himself. He turns to look over at Allura, who seems to him, like she looks even farther away today. Sighing he returns to the journal.

_**Honestly, to me they still look like a bra and panties, but Lance swore to me that women from Earth use them to go swimming. I told him that that would be impossible, but he showed me the pictures to prove it. Guess what? All true! I asked him if he liked them and he said 'Absolutely Princess, I'd be crazy not to!'**_

"Figures," Keith snorts.

_**I kept looking at the pictures wondering if Keith liked bikinis too. I was too embarrassed to ask Lance, of course, so instead I asked him if all men from Earth liked bikinis. He told me that any man who didn't like bikinis was obviously a moron who 'probably couldn't get laid.' I don't know what the latter part of his answer meant, but I took it as a yes.**_

_**Anyway, I did my research and found a place where I could order a bikini and I got it last week. I had to practically hide it from Nanny when the package arrived in my room. I figured the next time we go swimming at the lake...I'd surprise Keith with it.**_

At this Keith laughs a little, he looks up at the Princess and shakes his head as he laughs a bit more. He turns back to the journal and continues.

_**Well, we went out today. After practice we decided we needed a break, so the guys wanted to go swimming at the lake. I was so excited when I heard Keith say yes, I don't think any of them realized the real reason I was excited. I ran back to my room and picked it up along with my towel and other toiletries. I changed inside Blue. Diary, I was a nervous wreck in that cockpit. I felt like I was exposing myself, but I kept thinking that if I wear this silly little thing (and I mean little!), Keith would finally notice me. So, dare I say, I put the bikini on and walked out. I must have come out as Keith was doing his dive from his lion because as soon as he saw me, his eyes widened. He actually lost his footing and fell off the lion! Everyone laughed hysterically, including me. I'm not sure if he was shocked a little to see me in the bikini or if he liked me wearing it. I really hope he liked me in it. Maybe, he'll start seeing me in a different way.**_

_**Allura**_

Standing, he looks over to Allura and caresses her cheek with his finger, "Allura, I liked you in the bikini."

* * *

That evening Keith lies in bed with his eyes closed. He turns onto his side and opens his eyes. He smiles at the sight in front of him. His beautiful wife smiles back at him, her auburn hair falls all over to her sides covering most of her pillow. Her hazel, almost green eyes shine with laughter.

He smiles back at her as he begins playing with her hair, twirling her locks within his finger. "I miss you so much." Keith tells her softly. "Please come back to me. I can't live this way."

She doesn't answer him, just smiles back. She moves her hand to caress his cheek. He moves his face against her hand. "I love you. Don't leave me."

Jocelyn closes her eyes, reflecting on his words then opens them. "The baby's crying." She tells him before he turns, opens his eyes and sees he is back in his room, alone.

He had been sleeping and dreamed of her being beside him…she was never there. Keith sighs in frustration and then realizes that Lila really is crying.

Quickly, he rises and runs to his daughter's crib.


	5. Chapter 5

Many thanks to Charigul for her insightful review…Misty and Melody…don't think we've forgotten about you two either. We love the reviews…keep them coming!

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…but we wish we could.

* * *

Chapter 5: The Past Revisited

Unable to face anyone this morning, Keith decides to work a few hours in his office. He had left Lila with Nanny to bathe and feed because he needed time to think. He should be on Earth right now, starting his new life, with his daughter. Yet, he is here, still clinging to a life that no longer has meaning. Settling back into his chair, Keith lets out a long sigh. Turning to a drawer on his desk, he opens it and reaches in to take out a picture that he had previously put away.

Looking at it, he smiles sadly. It was a picture of him and Jocelyn at a festival that took place in her town. _'Our first date.'_ He tells himself. Keith leans back in his chair and looks at the picture while memories of that day fill his mind…

_She opens the door and a radiant smile welcomes him, "Commander, I didn't think you'd come."_

_He smiles back at her, "I promised I would, if I could."_

"_Yes," Jocelyn replies coming out of the house and closing the door, "I know, but I figured with all the attacks we've had lately, you'd be guarding the Princess at today's festival…"_

_Keith nods a bit nervously, "I know…unfortunately, the Princess will not be able to join in today's festivities. The Council of Arus needed to meet with her at the last minute to discuss some pressing matters and she is unable to come."_

"_So you have the day off?" Jocelyn asks excitedly._

"_Actually…yes. My lieutenant is taking my shift now and I actually have the rest of the afternoon off." He agrees. "So, if you would like an escort to the festival, I'd be honored if you would allow me to take you."_

"_Yes!" she blurts out and then blushes when she sees him smile at her excitement._

Keith laughs a little, reflecting back on Jocelyn's excitement. His wife had a happiness that he rarely saw in anyone. He looks back at the picture and remembers that it was taken toward the end of the day after the last show ended and people began walking back to their homes…

"_It was a great festival. I can't believe how great everything looks even after our last attack." He tells her as he walks her home._

"_Well, all of you have something to do with that." Jocelyn acknowledges, "I mean, if it wasn't for your team and the princess…well, we wouldn't have had a festival."_

"_We didn't do much." _

_She laughs, "You guys basically rebuilt the town in a matter of days and the Princess…well, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have had food or the medical necessities some of us desperately needed."_

"_The Princess' concern has always been her people." Keith nods._

"_She's incredible, isn't she?" Jocelyn asks, her voice full of wonder. "You know, when we describe our Princess, we always say she is the most beautiful woman we have ever seen. Isn't she?"_

_Once again Keith simply nods in agreement, "She is."_

"_But, I see something else." Jocelyn points out._

"_What?" he tilts his head to her in interest._

"_If I were to choose how to describe our princess, I'd say she's not only beautiful, but brave and strong. She is truly the bravest person this planet has seen in a very long time. How lucky you are to be so close to her." Jocelyn marvels._

_Keith observes her for a moment…amazed by her description of the fair princess. He always thought that way of Allura too, but he has never heard the description from a young woman. Most women he encountered usually felt some type of jealousy toward Allura or never even discussed her. But, this woman…this woman truly appreciated her. He is captivated. _

_It is at that moment, that he knew he has to find out more about her, "Jocelyn…I" then he is interrupted by a young kid with a camera._

"_Commander, would you like to take a picture with the lovely lady? It's only ten gold coins." The kid looks hopeful that he'll say yes. _

"_Sure, kid." Keith smiles then adds, "But take two. One for me and one for the lovely lady here."_

_The kid's eyes grow wide. "Wow! Thanks!"_

_The kid takes the pictures and hands them to Keith. "Thanks Commander!" he beams as Keith pays him. "Have a great evening!" he calls out before he runs away._

"_You made his day. Twenty gold coins will go a long way for him." Jocelyn praises. "Were you going to say something?"_

_He laughs, "Yes…I was wondering if…if you'd like to have dinner with me tomorrow night. My shift ends a bit late but…"_

"_That's fine." She agrees excitedly. "How about you come to my house? I'll make dinner and when you can, just pass by. I can wait up for you."_

"_Are you sure? I wouldn't want you to have to wait so late to eat."_

_Jocelyn shakes her head, "No, not at all. Please…"_

"_Sure. Then, I'll be by probably after nine."_

"_I'll be waiting."_

Remembering that day again, Keith comes to a realization. His true interest in Jocelyn came from the fact that she shared the same feelings of respect and admiration toward Allura that he had.

It is then that a tinge of guilt enters him. He had let his anger toward Allura destroy those feelings of respect and admiration for something that now seems so trivial. _'And in the process, I took all her hopes away.'_

He sighs deeply, "I destroyed our relationship because I thought she didn't want me to be happy? How did I not see more than that? Allura would never want to destroy anyone of us." He shakes his head, "Why didn't I think this through? Why didn't I see the signs?"

Keith puts the picture away in the drawer and glances at the journal he put on his desk moments earlier. He picks it up and looks at it as if he could burn a hole through it with his eyes, "I thought I could start a new life and leave the demons that torture me behind, but I never realized that I too had a part in creating these demons." Taking a deep breath, Keith stands up and leaves work behind. If he ever intends on beginning a new life, he now needs to destroy those demons. Without another thought, he walks out of his office and heads to MedTech.

* * *

As the team gathers around the breakfast table, Hunk looks around the room then asks, "Hey, where's Keith?"

"He decided to catch up on some work this morning." Lance answers rather flatly. "Nanny is in the nursery with Lila." He finishes knowing that would probably be the next question.

The room silently begins taking their seats and gathering their breakfast items. Pidge notices almost all of them are lost in thought for a moment, _'Their probably thinking the same thing I am.'_ He waits until all of them are seated and asks the questions they have all probably been thinking, "Do you think he'll leave again after he pulls Allura out of this?"

When the question is asked, everyone looks up at him, yet no one really answers immediately. Pidge looks around the room, "What? Was I wrong to ask?"

Shaking his head, Sven answers, "No, not at all. To tell you the truth, at this point, I don't know. I don't think anyone of us knows what's in Keith's mind right now."

Lance continues, "I know we don't want him to leave, but we all know how stubborn Keith can be. Jocelyn's death has caused him to make what I think is a rash decision. But then again, I can't help to wonder what I would have done if I were in his situation."

"And then there's Allura." Romelle interjects, "Once she is awake, how will she handle the fact that he will leave?" Romelle shakes her head sadly, "It will be extremely hard on her. We need to be there for her as well." She concludes as everyone nods at her last statement.

"Maybe we should try to convince him to stay?" Thomas offers, "After all, how is he going to take care of his daughter on Earth? Knowing the Garrison, they will pull him into everything and anything that spells out danger and he will accept it without question. Lila will be all alone."

"We can't convince him." Sven answers firmly.

"Why?"

"Thomas, he has to come up with that realization alone. The more you tell Keith something, the more he will fight you. It's not worth it and it will encourage him to leave even faster."

Pidge continues to survey the room and sees a resigned look enter Hunk's face, "It's just that…he's wrong." Hunk hisses.

Lance nods, "We know big guy, but like Sven says, we need to wait until he realizes that. All we can do for now is to be there for him. Hopefully, he'll realize it. If he doesn't, then we'll have to accept that." Lance sighs, "But once Allura wakes up, we all need to make sure we're here for her. We abandoned her once, I'll be damned if we do that again."

The group immediately agrees and silence breathes into the room again as they all once again silently ponder what the future has in store for their Commander and their Princess.

* * *

Sitting back in the chair, his feet resting on another chair in front of him, Keith glances at Allura briefly before opening her journal once more while thinking, '_I still feel like a peeping Tom...'_

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Oh my...what a day. I went with Nanny to bring food to the boys. They are working so hard to build a stadium for the Space Olympics. I have wanted to help, but Coran and Nanny have forbidden me to. I can't believe how...lonely...the castle is without the Force here. I talked Nanny into surprising them with a hot dinner.**_

_**But I was the one who ended up surprised. Without thinking, I opened the door to their dormitory and did I get an eyeful. Perhaps I should say, not enough...since it was Keith I mostly saw...naked...in the shower.**_

Keith swallows hard as he feels the heat of embarrassment crawling up his neck to his cheeks. His eyes drift to Allura while remembering that day, how mortified he had been when she had walked in and saw him in the shower. He releases a deep sigh thinking, _'The tongue lashing by Nanny had been worse... She acted like it was our fault that Princess had walked in.'_

Taking a deep breath, he goes back to the diary:

_**I turned around and acted like the innocent, young lady I am supposed to be as Nanny yelled at the boys. Truthfully Diary...what I wanted to do was to turn around and look again. Oh...not at the others, but at Keith. Even now I can picture him in my mind, his wet, long black hair, strong muscular arms and back as the water ran over his skin. My eyes had strayed down...he was turned mostly away from me so I could see the curve of his buttocks...how firm they must be. All I wanted to do was to run my fingers over them.** _

_**Too bad he didn't fully turn toward the door...then I could have seen more...**_

_**Oh my...as I think about Keith naked...I feel the nipples of my breasts hardening and an almost...throbbing...feeling coming from between my legs.**_

Stopping, Keith gasps as another thought hits him, _'Oh good God! Had Coran read this entry?' _Mortified by the very thought of the old adviser reading Allura's sexual thoughts, he closes the journal and his eyes. Moving his hand to his mouth to wipe his chin, Keith opens his eyes and looks over at Allura, unable to stop feeling a small guilty thrill as he remembers her words.

His eyes move over her sleeping form, looking at her in a new light. Shaking his head at his wayward thoughts, Keith stands up, stretches then glances at Allura again. Feeling an uncomfortable tightening around his groin, Keith heads for the door while thinking, _'I need some air...maybe a cold shower...'_


	6. Chapter 6

Hello everyone,

First we'd like to take this opportunity to thank all our reviewers for the wonderful and constructive reviews we've received thus far. However, we'd also like to clarify a couple of points:

1. While we appreciate the fact that our story has been compared to a movie, we really don't feel it is in the realms of the "horror" genre. Rather it is the story of how a person can jump into conclusions, how they feel obligated to fix what they think they've done, and how to piece together a life that fell apart, unexpectedly; all from a _**male**_ point of view. Some of our readers are looking at this story from a woman's point of view and thinking Keith would do certain things just because "you" as a woman would do that. A man would act differently. A man who's lost his wife suddenly would act differently and definitely be out of character.

Keep in mind Keith's goal as you read this story. He wants to leave Arus, but has to wake Allura up first. He isn't going to do that by sitting with his daughter and moping over the loss of his wife. Also keep in mind that like any other working parent, even if Keith wasn't trying to wake Allura, he still would have a job to do that would prevent him from sitting with a baby 24/7.

2. If anyone can tell us Keith's true character, by all means, email us! In every story, there is a different perception of who Keith is. In some stories he is weak, in others he's strong, and in even others, he is gay! We believe that a writer in one story made Keith evil. So truly, there is no wrong or right when it comes to who Keith is. How about our beloved Lotor? He's portrayed as good in some stories, isn't this (OOC)? As writers, we have the advantage and the right to create the "character." It is the fantasy world we create in our minds that creates what the character is going to be like.

3. When it comes to Allura, as she is portrayed in this story, we decided to create a completely different side of her. Why not? Everyone has a breaking point, this was hers. Keith is the one thing she ever wanted and she lost the one thing that held any meaning or value in her life. We are all selfish that way. There is something in our lives that with or without knowing, break us. We just don't like to admit it.

4. Finally, we ask that if you really don't like the story, please don't read it. You have every right and we completely respect that. We thank you for your constructive reviews and ideas. But if you really want a Keith that will hold up to your standards and values, we suggest you write a story that merits that.

Thank you and enjoy chapter 6!

The Voltron Queens, AKA, Mertz and Wade Wells in case you missed the news when CMS spilled the beans…we love you anyway girl!!

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…

* * *

Chapter 6: A little love and a little fear…

The water feels good on his back. It's soothing, relaxing, and it helps him think. Slowly, a hand begins to caress the middle of his back and slides around to his abdominals. Instantly, someone hugs him from behind and begins kissing his back. He groans in pleasure. Suddenly, he smells a light fragrance of jasmine. He loves how it smells. The fragrance of her always fills the room and he loves it.

He turns around and sees her in all her beauty. Naked…wet…her blue eyes staring deeply into his dark ones. She moves closer to him, her breasts touching the lower part of his chest. She begins kissing his chest then moves onto his nipples as she slides her hands down slowly, until they reach his pelvis and with both hands she pulls him forward. He doesn't stop her.

She looks up at him as she lifts her head…her eyes pleading with him. He can read the need in them, instantly lowering his head and kisses her softly at first, as if to test her. Without a thought, he deepens his kiss and begins tasting her. She embraces him as he in turn holds her tighter, feeling his member hardening as she pushes herself against him. He turns her, pushing her against the wall, the water embracing both of them like a warm blanket and lifts her up. She locks her legs around his waist as he pushes himself into her. Her cry of pleasure echoes in his ears. It heightens his and he begins thrusting into her, enjoying her wetness. He kisses her more, his tongue playing with her lips as his hand buries itself inside her thick, golden, wet hair. He can't hold it any longer, he needs her more and he….

Keith opens his eyes, noticing the dark room around him. Although the room is cool, he can feel his neck and hair wet from perspiration. Remembering the dream, he can't help to think how real it felt, _'How good it felt!'_ "Damn it!" he whispers harshly as guilt strikes him like a bullet in his chest. "I'm sorry Jocelyn…I'm so sorry." He lies back in bed closing his eyes in remorse.

* * *

The next day, Keith decides to take a break from his room and the numerous walls of the castle and takes Lila for a stroll in the gardens. The day is breezy, sunny and just beautiful. The kind of day Jocelyn loved to spend outside.

So, instead of keeping Lila indoors, Keith decides to share a bit of what Jocelyn loved with their daughter. He takes the stroller along the paths of the garden, enjoying the trail and the view of the exotic plants and flowers along the way.

"Lila, Mom loved walking this path on days like these," he tells her, looking down as she looks back at him studiously. "Yep," he continues, "You know what your Mom's favorite flowers were...gardenias. She practically filled our rooms with them. She loved their smell."

The baby makes a shrieking little noise and Keith looks down, surprised that he thought he saw her smile. He studies her for a moment, but sees that her facial expressions have not changed. "Ok, I'm losing it!" he says to himself.

Father and daughter continue on their path. Keith talks to his daughter every now and again, telling her different things about Jocelyn. After a while, he notices a bench ahead of him, looks at his watch and takes a look at Lila, "Time for lunch munchkin." he tells her as he picks her up and sits on the bench.

He takes out the bottle from the baby bag attached to the stroller and begins feeding Lila. Looking at his daughter, Keith smiles, _'She gets more beautiful by the day.'_

After some time, Keith puts Lila to sleep and places her back in the stroller. He relaxes on the bench enjoying the day until the need to read the journal again rises. Carefully taking it out of the bag, he opens to the page he left off earlier.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I'm not writing from my room tonight, rather I'm keeping someone company. Keith's in MedTech. Today was probably the scariest day of my entire life. Today...I almost lost him. Lotor...almost killed him. Since they met that first time, Lotor's hatred for Keith has increased. I think other than having me; there would be no greater pleasure for Lotor than to see Keith dead. Today he almost succeeded.**_

_**I don't know what came over me. I had this dream. My father, he came to me, told me to leave. I needed to leave the castle, he said I was weak. He said I needed to be stronger. I woke up, my heart pounding. I was failing again, a realization I came to when I woke up. I needed to get away. So I left the castle and ran toward the forest. I'm not sure where I was going, but I didn't care. I just wanted to get away so I could think.**_

_**As I ran, Lotor intercepted me. I don't know how. He grabbed me, I think he was going to...do things to me right there and then. I closed my eyes, but then I heard his voice.**_

_**He fought Lotor to protect me. Keith was there to save me again. My knight, my protector, my love, he's always there. He's always with me. Keith told me to run back to the castle. I didn't want to leave him, but he ordered me to go. Diary... I didn't want to leave him, but I followed his orders, I did what he wanted. I regret that now. **_

_**They fought and Lotor... he basically left Keith for dead. Lotor ran his sword across his chest, cutting him deeply. Keith collapsed in my arms. There was so much blood...his blood on me. I didn't know what to do. For a brief moment, Keith opened his eyes and he looked at me and it looked like he was drifting away from me. I couldn't...I wouldn't let that happen. I managed to call Lance and they took him to MedTech. **_

_**Then Lotor attacked and we were one lion down. I wanted to kill Lotor. I wanted revenge. I took out the Black lion and went after him. It wasn't until later I found out that Keith woke up and despite the pain he was in, he went out to fight.**_

_**Diary, I want to think he fought because he didn't want to see me in Lotor's hands or that his love for me is so great that he would risk it all, kind of like the stories I've read. I had to stop my daydreaming, we had to fight. **_

_**We won, thank God. When we came back, that's when Keith collapsed. He was taken back to MedTech once again. Dr. Gorma treated him again after he reopened his wounds in the battle and now I'm here, with him...watching over him. He's been sedated; Dr. Gorma doesn't trust him and I don't blame him. Knowing Keith, if we had another attack, he'd tear out the IV line and run to control, hospital gown and all.**_

_**It's about two in the morning. I asked the nurse, Hannah, to allow me to sit with him for a while. I don't want anyone to find out, so I told her to keep it between us. She told me that he'll be out for hours...guess Dr. Gorma really doesn't trust him. **_

_**I want to tell him...how I feel...what I feel...for him. I did a little while ago. After I knew no one would be back to check on him for a while. I told him how I was so in love with him, it hurt. I told him that there would never be another...that my life was his. It would always be his. My heart is taken and it belongs to him. Guess it is easier to talk to him when I know Keith can't hear me.**_

_**Allura**_

Keith closes the book, shaking his head. _'How the hell did I not see this?!_' he thinks to himself. "God, Allura, why didn't you ever tell me anything?"

"Do you think if she would have told you something, it would have changed anything?"

Keith turns around to see who had asked the question. He turns to see Hunk walking by. "Hunk, what are you doing here?"

The tall, bulkier man shrugs. "Well, we're working on that new weaponry system we told you about. Anyway, we hit a glitch and I needed to clear my head and think. I sometimes walk the gardens to think better. So...can you answer me my question? If Allura would have told you or even shown you anything..."

"Hunk, I have no idea. It's just that Allura..."

Hunk sits down next to Keith. "Keith, let me tell you something… Life's a funny thing. Some people get one chance while others are lucky to get more than one chance. Keith, you are one of the lucky ones. Stop asking why you never found out anything or why you didn't see anything. Start finding ways to get your second chance...if you want it."

Keith looks at his friend with wonder, "Hunk, I've never known you to be....deep."

Hunk laughs, "Well, Keith. Many think I'm just about muscle. Well...really I am, but it's nice to know that every once in a while, I can help a friend with something other than fixing the lions."

This time Keith smiles, "Thanks big guy."

"Anytime," he answers standing up, "I'm going to keep walking. Maybe I'll figure out something faster than Pidge for a change."

Keith watches Hunk continue walking along the garden until he disappears from sight. He turns around to find Lila still fast asleep. About to open the book again, he suddenly closes his eyes, "Jocelyn...I....help me."

* * *

Later that night Keith wakes up to the cries of his baby girl for the second time. Turning on his light, he picks up his watch and looks at the time. "Three forty-five," he sighs tiredly. After their little walk, Lila had turned a bit crabby. Normally, a quiet baby, by the afternoon, even Romelle noticed how irritable she had turned as well as a bit congested. Tonight, she had even woken up at her usual time.

Keith rises from bed and walks over to the crib, "Come on munchkin, what's going on with you tonight?" he asks her sweetly as he picks her up. He walks her around the room as the cries rise in volume. "Come on sweetheart? Why are you crying?" He whispers to her as he kisses her forehead. It is at that moment that he notices how hot her little forehead is. He checks again by placing his lips on her forehead once more and his heart begins pounding at the realization that Lila has a fever.

"Jesus Lila! You're burning up!" He quickly runs to the vidscreen in his room and contacts Dr. Gorma's.

"Keith? What's wrong?" Gorma asks as he puts his glasses on. "Allura!" he immediately snaps.

"No, Lila…she's burning up!" He exclaims as desperation in his voice sets in. "What's wrong with her, doctor?"

"Bring her over to MedTech. I'll meet you there."

* * *

Keith paces from one end of the patient room to the other as Dr. Gorma and the charge nurse examines a still crying Lila. Keith's nerves are getting the worst of him as he watches how calmly Gorma and Jackie look over his sick little girl.

Letting out a huge sigh of frustration, he runs his fingers through his hair.

"Keith, you are going to make me nervous…please calm down." Gorma gently tells him as he continues to examine the baby.

"I'm making you nervous?!" Keith rolls his eyes and runs his hand through his hair again, "What's wrong with her?"

"It looks to be a mild case of a middle ear infection, that's what seems to be causing the fever." Gorma replies, in a peaceful tone that irritates Keith.

"Will she be alright?"

"Oh, yes, she'll be fine. There is a buildup of wax and fluid inside her left ear. I'm going to have to flush it. Why don't you wait outside for a moment?"

"I'm not waiting outside." Keith states harshly.

"Commander, you are a nervous wreck now." Gorma continues, "I don't need you in here to distract me if you become more upset."

"I'll be fine."

"No, you won't. Now, please, let me help your daughter. She'll be fine." Gorma begins to walk Keith out of the room. Before he knows it, the doors close and he stands alone in the hallway.

"Shit!" he counters and leans against the wall.

Ten minutes pass like an eternity, and all Keith can do is listen to his daughter's cries from outside the room. Tears begin to well up in his eyes. It takes every bit of his strength not to barge in. Unable to take it any longer, he is about to walk into the room when he hears someone call out his name.

"Keith?"

He turns to find Pidge walking toward him. "Is Lila ok?" He asks hearing the cries from the other room.

"Yeah…" Keith begins, "She has an ear infection, Gorma is flushing out her ear."

"Sounds painful." Pidge replies cringing at the sounds of Lila's cries. "Looks like she scared the shit out of you." He continues looking at Keith's attire.

It is then when Keith notices, he is only wearing his pajama bottoms. He has no shoes or a shirt on. "Great!"

Pidge smiles a bit, "That's ok Keith; you want me to get you a T-shirt and maybe your slippers from your room?"

"No, that's ok. Gorma said that he should be done with Lila in about ten minutes or so." He answers, looking at the door, waiting for it to open. Finding that nothing is happening, he asks, "What are you doing here?" trying to get his mind away from Lila.

"Oh, I just finished my shift at control and I came to see the Princess."

"Really?" Keith asks curiously.

"Yeah, I try to visit her everyday and tell her what we've done during the day. " The young man shrugs his shoulders. "Kind of makes me feel like she's still here."

Keith nods, "I know what you mean."

"Also...I feel guilty. She always treated me like a little brother and I abandoned her like everyone else did." He turns a bright shade of red, "I guess when I visit her, I'm hoping she will at some point...answer me."

Keith nods sympathetically then glances away.

"Anyway," Pidge continues, "How are you holding up? I figured, you had everything in order and now…"

"I'm ok. I'm just worried about Lila."

"She'll be fine Keith!" Pidge smiles brightly and gently taps his Commander's shoulder. "Gorma is the best! You couldn't find a better doctor than him. Think of how many times he's put you back together!"

At this Keith smiles, "You're right about that."

"Yeah, you're lucky Lila had the ear infection here rather than on Earth. It's going to take you some time to find a good pediatrician."

Keith reflects for a bit, _'He's right!'_ he thought. "I didn't think of that."

"Well, you should ask Gorma to recommend you someone…once you leave of course."

Nodding, Keith answers, "I…I will. Thanks for the heads up Pidge."

"Anytime Commander."

Just then both men hear the baby stop crying. "Thank God!" Keith's relief escapes in his words. Minutes later Jackie comes out with a very irritated Lila in her arms.

"She's all better." She offers a smile before handing her back to Keith. "Dr. Gorma has some antibiotics and instructions for you. When you are ready, why don't you go inside and he will speak to you."

"Thanks Jackie," Keith replies looking at Lila, her brown eyes looking intently at her father.

"You're very welcome Commander. She's a brave little one…just like her dad."

Keith looks up and smiles at her. "Not tonight. Tonight, she scared the hell out of me."

"You first time fathers are all the same." She laughs a little. "Well, I better go on my rounds, have a good night all three of you."

After the nurse leaves, Pidge turns to Keith, "Well, I better get some rest as well. Do you need anything before I go?"

"No," Keith shakes his head, "Believe me, you did more than you think by just spending these few minutes with me."

At that, Pidge smiles, "Alright, I'll see you in a couple of hours for practice. See you later."

"Later Pidge."

Looking back at his daughter, Keith kisses her gently in her forehead, "Don't you scare me like that again, ok munchkin?" He laughs when Lila answers with a gurgling sound.


	7. Chapter 7

Many thanks to Misty, Harmony and the others that came out and showed us their support...we appreciate it more than you know.

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…

* * *

Chapter 7: A Walk Along Memory Lane

About an hour after his traumatic visit with Dr. Gorma, Keith finally slips back into bed. He read the directions the doctor gave him, in a few hours Lila would get her second dosage of the antibiotic.

Lila had fallen asleep almost immediately; a testament of how tired and sick she felt. Unfortunately for Keith, he was too wired and couldn't fall asleep even if he wished.

_'Pidge was right, I was lucky Gorma was there.'_ If this infection had taken place on Earth he wouldn't have known who to take Lila to. He wouldn't have even had Pidge to, in a way, comfort him. _'God, I hope I know what I am doing.'_ He finds himself thinking. Shaking the thought away, he looks over at the journal sitting on his nightstand and picks it up. "Might as well," he tells himself and turns to the section he left off at.

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_I think the heavens dropped a blessing for me. At first it didn't look that way, Zarkon decided to invade today. Not, Lotor, but the father himself. I have no idea why. My guess, he is fed up with Lotor always getting the shit beaten out of him. Yes, I said shit! I can't use this word out loud. Nanny would kill me, but I'm free to use whatever I want here!_**

**_Anyway, we thought we were losing, it looked grim. Keith was fighting with all his strength. I could see the frustration on his face from the viewscreen. I wanted to help, I wanted so desperately to help him. And then…I did._**

**_When the robeast was about to lunge at us, I flew up to its face and used the stingray missiles to blind it. It happened so quickly…I don't know what came over me. I just saw the opportunity. That thing seemed so engrossed at targeting Black lion that it didn't even see me coming!_**

**_After the battle, in the control room, Keith ran up, picked me up, and told me how proud he was of me! Keith! I honestly thought he was going to kill me, but instead he hugged me, congratulated me and kissed me…on the forehead of course, but he's never kissed me!_**

**_God, could this mean something? Is he finally seeing me in a different way? I think so! I really, really think so!_**

Keith closes his eyes, remembering that day. '_I was proud of her. It was the first time that she actually took the lead, her thought process and reaction time were perfect. She was wonderful, but it wasn't what she thought.'_ He turns the page to the next entry.

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_Just a quick note before I go to bed. Practice is extra early tomorrow. Keith says he wants to finish the day early. He's told everyone he is bringing a guest to dinner tonight. I wonder whom? Maybe someone from the Garrison? Coran would have mentioned something…but even he doesn't know. I asked the other guys but they don't seem to know either. Well, I think Lance does, but he's not saying a word. I'm curious…but I guess I'll find out soon enough. I think I'll wear my new green dress tomorrow. I want to make a good impression. After all, I want this guest to see that I can be a great companion for Keith. Talk to you soon! _**

"Oh God," Keith sighs, knowing full well who that guest was. "She sounded so happy too." He whispers to himself as he sees the happy faces she drew around the entry. He turns the page, knowing full well what to expect, but is quickly surprised. The writing is incredibly distorted and he isn't able to understand it.

"What?" he asks himself dumbfounded. He then tries to read it out loud, but not too high as to not wake up Lila.

"I…fled. I…flew…? I…failed…I failed!"

"I…loved…listed…loud….what the hell does this say?" He speaks to himself, noting not only the distorted words, but also how the ink seems to run through the words because of the watermarks around them which he believes are teardrops.

It takes him some time to deduce the words, but after a while he finally is able to read the next short entry.

**_I failed, I failed.  
__I lost.  
__He doesn't love me. I am nothing to him.  
__Alone, alone, alone…..I'm nothing._**

"Oh God," he sighs in frustration. He turns to the next page, looking to see if there are any more entries regarding the subject, cringing at what will come next.

**_Dear Diary, _**

**_Keith brought his friend yesterday for dinner. Her name is Jocelyn and he presented her as his fiancée. His fiancée…I don't know what to tell you, I don't know what to say. When he presented her to me, I trembled as I looked at his eyes. He looked so happy, so incredibly happy. He didn't know….he didn't know that with each smile, each shine his eyes ignited, dimmed mine. _**

**_I don't even know what he did or what he said; I just smiled and nodded. Jocelyn, the woman he truly loves, just smiled at me and seemed genuinely happy as well. She's beautiful too. She has long auburn hair, about the length of mine. Her eyes are a light hazel, almost green in hue. She's a little taller than I am and a little curvier. She's funny too and seems to control the room just like Keith. She's everything I am not. I can see why he loves her. I am not as gregarious or extroverted. I can't be as free as she is._**

**_During dinner the attention was on her. I continued smiling and even laughing at things everyone said. I don't know what they were, as if on cue I laughed when they laughed. I was the perfect actress tonight. I smiled and presented myself nicely, as my heart crumbled. _**

**_I keep thinking about this mask I wear for everyone around me. My face is a mask. Only you see the real me. Only you see who I really am… _**

**_I wear a mask so the world can't see my face is full of sorrow.  
_****_I wear a mask so the world can see, only a face full of smiles.  
_****_Gracefully I apply the mask, determined to hide my pain.  
_****_I wear a mask to hide my love, which will never be accepted._**

**_Diary, I'm glad I wore my mask tonight, Coran taught me so well. I just hope I have the strength to continue on. I have to, I have no choice._**

**_Allura_**

Keith closes the journal, putting it back on his nightstand, noticing his hand shaking as he places the book down. So much sadness in this last entry, he almost wept himself. _'A mask. All that time she wore a mask, hiding everything from me. I was killing her slowly. I did this to her.'_ He could have continued reading but was afraid to read any more atrocities he had done to her.

Instead he closes his eyes and prays. He prays for her, he prays for his deceased wife and for his daughter. Mostly, he prays that God forgives him for what he has done and for the other things he did that he doesn't yet know of.

* * *

Keith did not get any sleep until he had finally given Lila the second dosage of the prescribed medication. It was then that his nerves finally calmed down and he was able to rest. Lila finally woke him about a quarter to ten. Picking her up, he checked on her and found that the fever had finally lowered and it was then when he let out a deep sigh of relief.

He was exhausted. Never in his thoughts did it occur to him that he could feel so scared about Lila being sick. When Jocelyn flat lined after giving birth, he was scared as hell, but last night...with Lila...that same feeling came back, but three times stronger and harder. Losing Jocelyn was heartbreaking; to lose Lila...that would completely destroy him.

"That's how she felt." he tells himself remembering the last entries he read last night in Allura's journal. It was then that he hears a knock on the door. He carefully puts the baby down in the crib and walks over to the door. He smiles after he opens the door and finds a very worried looking Nanny trying to peek into his room, "Gorma told me Lila is ill. Is she all right?"

"She's better. Thank you," he replies knowing full well what the governess would like to do, but also knowing she's afraid to ask.

"Nanny," Keith begins, "Would you please take care of Lila today? I mean, if you can. I'm very tired, didn't sleep much and if you can, then I'll be able to hopefully spend more time with Allura."

Nanny's eyes light up. "Of course! I shall first bathe her and then give her breakfast. Don't you worry Commander, Nanny's here to help." She immediately walks into the room to check on the girl.

If Keith felt any better, he'd laugh, but he was exhausted and frustrated. Too many questions, too many things he hadn't seen. He believes that's what bothers him the most. He hadn't seen anything!

"Nanny, I'm taking a shower. Here's Lila's bag and that drawer over there has her clothes…"

"Don't you worry; you leave that baby to me. She'll be better by the end of the day." she answers, already taking the baby bag and putting all the necessary things in it. "Go do whatever you need to do Commander. Rest if you must, I will leave in a few minutes."

"I'm going to shower; I'm tired, but not sleepy." He went to his own drawer and picks up a few things before heading into the shower. "Thank you."

The old woman smiles. "That's what family is for Commander." she states to him before she quickly turns and goes back to her duty.

Surprised by the remark, Keith finds himself at a loss of words. Knowing that Nanny does not expect a reply, as she continues gathering Lila's things, he turns and heads into the bathroom.

* * *

After his shower, Keith quickly heads to Lance's room. He needs answers. That night...the one he read about in Allura's journal was fresh in his head. He just couldn't believe that she had hidden her feelings so well. He thought she was as happy as he was. He never saw anything, not even the slightest clue that Allura felt the way she did that night.

Arriving at Lance's room, he bypasses the security code and enters. Finding his friend asleep in his bed, he pulls out the covers and orders him awake, "Lance, wake up, I have to talk to you."

"What the hell!" Lance exclaims. "Oh, fuck you Keith. I just got back from patrolling three hours ago." he yells, yanking the covers from Keith and pulling them back over him.

"Lila has an ear infection and I had to rush her to MedTech last night. I've gotten as much sleep as you. The only difference is that I will allow you to go back to bed once I'm through talking."

"Is she ok?" Lance asks, now concerned.

"She's fine. Nanny's taking care of her today."

Lance grimaces and takes his sheets back, "Then why are you here? Go get some rest."

Keith takes a seat on a chair in Lance's room, "I can't, I need to speak to you."

"About what?"

"About the night Allura met Jocelyn." Keith replies.

"Ahh," Lance murmurs as he sits up in his bed. "I'm guessing you got to that part of the journal."

Nodding, Keith continues, "I need to know what you remember from that night."

Lance shakes his head as he runs his hands through his tousled hair, "Keith...that was almost a year ago...I don't think I can remember much."

"Try…" Keith demands. "Lance, I have to know. I'm going crazy. I keep asking myself, how blind was I to not see Allura's behavior? I never miss anything, yet...I missed everything with her. Please Lance...I need to know if what she wrote matches that night or if she's making this whole thing up in her head."

Sighing Lance looks at Keith, "I don't remember too much, but I do remember that she was extremely curious as to who you were bringing that night..."

_Allura and Lance walked along the hallway toward the dining hall. Lance walking a couple of steps ahead of Allura, smiling as the Princess begged one more time for him to answer her request._

_"Come on Lance, please! Tell me who Keith is bringing."_

_"Allura, I told you, it's a surprise. Believe me, Keith will be here in a couple of minutes and you'll find out soon enough."_

_"Is it a family member, another friend from the academy...come on! Just a small clue, I promise I won't tell him you told me. " she told him as she walked ahead of him and stopped him. She winked and a little smile crept onto her lips. "Pretty please..."_

_At this Lance chuckled, "Boy, you are something else."_

_"So you'll tell me?" Her eyes widened with excitement._

_"Nope!" he answered, taking her hand and guiding her to the dining room, "You are just going to have to wait like the rest of us."_

_"Easy for you to say…" she replied sarcastically, "You already know!"_

_"No I don't."_

_"Liar!" she pouted._

"So she really wanted to know who was coming." Keith sits back in his chair. "And you never told her?"

"No way! I know what an asshole you are when others know your business, so I wasn't about to blab and have her tell you later that I blew the whistle before you did." Lance protests as he begins yawning.

"So what happened at dinner, when Jocelyn and I entered?"

Lance grows silent for a bit, searching through his mind for that night that now seemed so long ago. "Well...since I knew, I kind of did see the expressions of everyone around when Jocelyn came in with you. I wanted to kind of make fun of everyone's shock."

"Did you see Allura's?"

Nodding, Lance answers, "Yes. Back then, I didn't quite read it as I do now. I guess that she did react rather hurt by Jocelyn's presence."

Keith's eyebrows arched, "Tell me more."

"Well, when I saw her, it's like her eyes dimmed. That excitement, that energy, that she had moments earlier, just extinguished; I can now see it..."

_Keith walked in to the dining room with a beautiful woman. Holding hands, the two had smiles on their faces that lit the room._

_"Thank you for waiting for us," Keith began, "I'd like all of you to meet Jocelyn Gallant, my fiancée."_

_"What!" Pidge almost yelled. "Is this for real?!"_

_"Yes," Keith smiled blissfully. "Jocelyn, this is Pidge and Hunk." Keith pointed to both his friends. "This is the castle advisor Coran. You know Lance already, and this...this is Princess Allura."_

_Lance noticed everyone's faces, happy that the surprise was accepted by all. He watched as Jocelyn made her way first toward Allura._

_"It is such an honor to meet you." Jocelyn's hazel eyes sparkled. Her grin couldn't hide her awe and happiness at meeting Allura._

_Lance then saw how Allura's eyes suddenly looked glassy as if about to cry. She let out a small gasp but then, in an instant, her whole demeanor changed and she came back to life. "I'm so happy to meet you too Jocelyn. Congratulations...to both of you!" she smile then hugged first Jocelyn and then Keith._

"Keith, like I said, I thought at first it was maybe shock from your announcement, but now...I believe she felt hurt."

Sighing, Keith's frustration was evident, "Shit."

"Hey, it's not like you knew anything. No one did." Lance tells him leaning back against the headboard. "I didn't even pick it up. I'm just realizing it now. Man, Coran taught her incredibly well."

"No kidding."

"I've never known anyone who could mask feelings so well. I honestly thought you were a pro, but she beat you."

Keith rolls his eyes at the last statement; there was too much going on to start psychoanalyzing his own behavior. Instead, he ignores it, "I do remember something now."

"What?" Lance questions him, staring at how Keith seems to travel back just as he had.

"Allura hugged me, but it felt...different."

"What do you mean different?"

Half smiling, Keith theorizes, "At first I thought Allura was overwhelmed with happiness for me, but now..."

_After dinner, Nanny comes out with dessert. "I've brought a special dessert for the occasion. Lance told me that tonight needed to be special, so I made the Captain's favorite, Tiramisu."_

_"What's tiramisu?" Jocelyn whispered to Keith as Nanny began serving everyone at the table._

_"A great tasting dessert my love," he whispered in her ear. Then he kissed her on her cheek. She laughed and smiled at him. "Thank you Nanny." he answered the governess as she headed out the door. Keith turned to see Allura's eyes staring back at him. He thought for a moment they were filled with sadness, such despair, that he was about to ask to speak to her in private when all of a sudden she stood up. _

_"I'm so sorry. I've been fighting a headache all day and I hate to say it, but it has gotten worse. Would all of you greatly mind if I excuse myself for the night?"_

_"Not at all Princess. I'll send Nanny…" Coran replied with a bit of concern before Allura cut him off._

_"Oh no need Coran. I'll be fine. You know me, I always pull through." she smiled sweetly. She turned over to Jocelyn, "Jocelyn, I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening with our crazy little family...your family now."_

_"Thank you Princess." Jocelyn smiled back as she squeezed Keith's hand. "And thank you so much for your hospitality."_

_"No need to thank me. Please consider this your home." Allura nodded._

_Keith stood up, "Princess, thank you."_

_"You're welcome, Keith." She answered as she turned to Jocelyn as she stood up. "Congratulations again." Allura told the other young woman as she gave her a quick hug. She turned to Keith, "And you...Keith. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I really do." Her voice almost cracking as she tightly hugged him. With that, she bid everyone goodnight and left the room._

"When she hugged me I thought it was because she was happy for me." Keith states as his eyes meet Lance's.

"Maybe it was her way of telling you goodbye." Lance guessed.

Nodding, Keith finally saw it. "Her mask."

"Her mask?" Lance questioned, "What do you mean by that?"

"Something she wrote in her journal." Keith added _'She put on her mask.'_ "Thanks for your help." He stands up and heads to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to see someone else."

"Who?"

"Jocelyn."


	8. Chapter 8

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…

* * *

Chapter 8: Shattered

Keith had every intention of walking right to Jocelyn's resting place and tell her everything he could about how he felt, about how even more confused his life had become now that she left him. Unfortunately, the closer he got to her, the more the words have become jumbled in his mind. By the time he arrived, he didn't know how to begin.

"Jocelyn...I had this entire speech for you and now I find myself lost in thought." He runs his hands through his hair as he sits in front of her headstone. "I don't know what to do sweetheart. I don't know how to help Allura and I'm finding it harder and harder to continue being angry with her when I'm learning so much about how she felt...what she felt...for me."

The only thing he hears is the breeze around him. "I wish you could answer me." he states. "I miss you Jocelyn...I love you so much." Keith breathes hard, not wanting to say the rest. "But, there's this part of me that wonders if I had paid more attention to Allura...if..." He can't finish.

He pauses for a bit and then sighs heavily, "What the hell is wrong with me?" His wife was gone for only a month and now he was thinking of what ifs.

"Jocelyn...she's lost and I need to get her back. She needs me...she's my friend...and I care about her, I do. I need you to…guide me. Please forgive me for feeling these feelings." _'Please tell me it's ok.'_

* * *

He had skipped lunch, having stayed at the cemetery thinking and talking to Jocelyn. There were so many issues he hadn't considered, yet being alone with her and having time to think made them stand out like fireworks that light up the dark skies.

Although many things seem very clear to him, he still believes that leaving is the best choice. There are too many things holding him back from a life he needs to rebuild. _This life is over. After Allura is better, I have to…need to leave._

Knowing he has to eat something, he is about to turn toward the dining areas of the castle when one of the guards stops him, "Commander."

"Yes Philips, is something wrong?"

"No, sir." The guard answers, "We received a transmission from Galaxy Garrison. It seems that the new Commander would like a word with you."

Gregory Paulson. _'Now, there's a person I really don't want to speak to.' _He thinks. He had read his file and most of what Lance had said was true. The man bleeds Garrison through his ears. Keith isn't sure he is the right choice to take lead of the Force, but he is his ticket off of Arus and for that, he will have to accept whatever the Garrison provides.

"Let me take it in my office." Keith answers, turning toward the hallways that lead to the executive offices of the castle.

"Yes sir." The guard answers and briskly walks away, heading toward the control room.

* * *

Within a couple of minutes, Keith is in his office and turns on his vidscreen. Paulson's face emerges. For a man of thirty three, he looks more like forty. Seems as if the Garrison has worked the man as hard as a hammer hitting a nail into a wall. His facial expressions are cold, frigid; his eyes a barrier to his thoughts. Keith immediately knows this man does not belong here, but right now, neither does he.

"Commander Kogane, my sincerest apologies for your loss." Paulson begins, clearly not meaning the words.

"Thank you Commander Paulson. I appreciate your kind words." he answers. _'Two can play the hypocrite game'_ he thinks, returning Paulson's expression with the same cold stare.

"Commander, I know you are currently dealing with the loss of your wife and with the situation with the Princess of Arus, but I was wondering if you had a couple of minutes to speak to me regarding some questions I have about the team."

"Sure Commander Paulson, I have time right now. What are your questions?"

"I was looking at the files of your team members and I have some concerns."

Keith's eyebrows rise, "What concerns would those be?"

Paulson gives him a humorless grin, "Commander, surely you must know the details of each member of the Force. McClain for example has a vast number of demerits linked to misconduct and the inability to follow orders. Will I have a problem with him acknowledging a command when given?"

Keith's temper begins to rise, "Commander, those demerits that you speak of happened well over two years ago. Lance's record since then is exemplar to say the least." He pauses a moment then adds, "Although, I will say this, if the Lieutenant does give his opinion, I would greatly consider it. He's a smart man. You could learn a lot from him since he's been here a lot longer than you."

"I'm sure." Paulson replies, with a tone of disagreement. "Well, how about Darrell Stoker. He seems a little young for this command."

Keith sighs harshly, "Paulson, Garrison authorized Pidge's command. I believe that is out of our hands. Besides, if you look beyond his age, you'll see that what you have is a child prodigy. Most of the upgrades to the lions and this castle have been due to him. Aside from being a pilot, he's one of the smartest men the Garrison has on their side. You should be grateful to have him under your command."

"He's too young for this post." Paulson objects. "I've had a talk with the Admiral. We are discussing the possibility of grounding Stoker and having him stationed on Arus only to help us with the technical aspects of the lions and the castle. I will then make a suggestion for a new pilot."

"What!" Keith exclaims. "You're grounding him on the basis that he's too young! That has never been an issue."

"You don't have to worry Commander." Paulson objects, "Should the decision be made, it will be on my command, not yours. The Admiral has given me discretionary decision rights with regards to the Voltron Force. Now, regarding Lieutenant Garrett…he seems a bit impulsive at times, but I believe that I can subdue him with a bit more training."

"You speak of him as if he were some animal you need to train." Keith implies with gritted teeth. He is beyond angry. Paulson has basically spoken atrocities of his team in a matter of minutes.

"I'm sorry Commander… I never meant it that way." Paulson interjects. "What I'm really trying to get at is that we both have different styles of commanding. I just want to make sure that my team doesn't think that the same rules will apply once I take command."

Now, Keith is tired of the man. "What are you really trying to do Paulson?" he asks reading through the bullshit to the real meaning of his call.

"Nothing, Commander Kogane. All I'm saying is that I have an idea of how things have worked on Arus in the past. For the most part, I have to agree you've been successful. But, I feel that I could still bring success to the Garrison in another fashion and if this fashion is not met, I will replace the current team."

"The Princess will object to this."

Paulson shakes his head in triumph, "The Princess needs to work out her problems before making any such decisions. Besides, Arus' concern will only be to get pilots to fly the lions, not which pilots to choose. That is Garrison's decision."

Keith's heart rate kicks into overdrive. About to counter his words, Paulson beats him to it.

"I won't take up any more of your time Commander. Thank you for your opinions." With that he cuts off the transmission.

* * *

After his brief talk with Paulson, Keith decides to work on his main objective. If anyone can stop Paulson it is the princess, but she needs to get well and fast. He walks up to her and sits on the bed next to her, "Allura, please, you have to wake up. We need you more now than ever."

She looks blankly past him as his anger begins to emerge like lava erupting from a volcano. Gritting his teeth to contain his anger, Keith turns away from Allura as he opens the journal again. Flipping the pages, he finally stops and forces himself to begin to read:

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_I can't believe what I've done...what I've lost. I was such an idiot... As I sat in my office working this afternoon, Coran came in with a request. The prince from Planet Olion wished to visit and court me. I turned Coran down with the excuse that I have no time for visiting dignitaries right now. I know he was angry with me as he left, but how can I look at another man right now when the one I love is engaged to another...set to marry her tomorrow._**

**_All I could think about suddenly was my future...a future without Keith, without his love and having to watch him with her, smiling at her, hugging and kissing her, those wonderfully dark eyes of his filled with love while he looks at her...everything that I've always dreamed would eventually happen between us._**

**_The pain I felt in my heart, Diary...it was suffocating me, it hurt to breathe and all I could think of was trying to stop the wedding. So I went to Keith's office..._**

Keith stops reading for a moment as his mind goes back to that day:

_Working at his desk, Keith looked up when he heard a knock at the door. "Enter." he called out and smiled when Princess Allura walked in. The smile quickly left his face once he looked at her closely. Her face was pale and her eyes, sad looking, as she approached him while wringing her hands together, "Princess, what's wrong?"_

"_Keith, I...I need to speak to you about your wedding." _

_Allura's eyes looked at him imploringly and Keith arched his eyebrows in concern as he asked, "About what?"_

_He watched her for several moments as she visibly struggled while she tried to gather her thoughts together before she spoke, the words pouring out of her, "Keith, have you thought this out thoroughly?"_

"_What is that supposed to mean?" He asked, not understanding what she was trying to get at._

_Allura took a deep breath, then she told him, "I don't think you should marry Jocelyn. I'm asking you not to."_

_Anger unlike anything he has felt before surged through his body. Keeping it under wraps, Keith crossed his arms in front of him as he asked, "Why?"_

"_Keith, think about it! She will be a target for Lotor!" She reached forward to grab his arm and he pulled himself away from her._

_His eyes flashed with his anger as he replied, "Your whole theory of why I shouldn't marry is that Jocelyn will be a target for Lotor! Don't you think I've considered that already?!" His voice lowered to a level that anyone who knew Keith would recognize as dangerous, "Do you think I can't protect my wife, my family?"_

_Allura plunged recklessly ahead, "Keith! Lotor hates you! He will do anything to hurt you and the rest of the team! You of all people should know that he will do everything in his power to hurt you by trying to kill her!"_

"_ENOUGH!" Keith's angry voice echoed around the room and Allura took a step back from him apprehensively. He glared at her, "What's the real reason Allura?"_

_Shocked, she opened her mouth to speak, but Keith cut her off, "Why are you so against any of us finding any form of happiness? Is it because you aren't happy...that you don't have a husband or family, that you want the rest of us miserable with you?"_

"_Keith...no!" Allura started but he cut her off again, "I thought you were my friend Allura, but a friend would want me to be happy! A friend wouldn't ask me to give up the one thing in my life that makes fighting Doom constantly, worthwhile!"_

_Tears ran down Allura's face as he turned away from her. She stepped forward and tried to place a hand on his shoulder, "Keith..."_

_He pulled away from her then turned around again, his anger still flashing in his eyes, "Don't come to my wedding tomorrow Allura...that is for Jocelyn and I to celebrate our life together with our friends and only our friends are invited."_

_As the tears continued to run down Allura's face, Keith walked around her and left the room._

Coming back to the present, Keith tries to get a grip on his anger the memory brought back before he looks back down at the diary:

**_I should have told him the real reason...that I love him. But I couldn't get the words to leave my throat. I've kept that secret close for so long... Instead I told him that Jocelyn would be a target for Lotor to use to hurt him. My God, he was so angry with me._**

Splotches on the paper make some of the words hard to make out and Keith narrows his eyes on the paper before he makes out:

**_He told me not to come to his wedding...that it is only for his friends to attend. I've lost everything...now, not only will he be married to Jocelyn, but he no longer considers me a friend. He will never smile at me again, speak to me as he speaks to his friends, with a warmth that makes you feel like the most important person in the world to him._**

**_I've lost him forever..._**

**_Allura_**

Keith stops reading the entry as he feels his throat fill with emotion. "I've lost him forever..." He reads out loud again as his eyes move to Allura, looking over her as she blinks absently. Cursing under his breath, he stands up and paces the room trying to get rid of the emotion and nervous energy that suddenly encompasses him. His mind keeps moving over her words as he thinks, _'What would I have done...said...if she had told me she loved me that night?'_

He stops pacing as he looks at her before admitting to himself, "I have no idea how I would have reacted..." Letting out a deep breath, Keith moves back to his seat and picks up the journal again, almost afraid to see the next entry:

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_Today, my love married another. I tried to honor his wishes and stay away. I pled a headache and upset stomach to Nanny this morning as the reason why I couldn't attend Keith's wedding, not wanting to tell her that I was no longer invited. Not that I was lying to her...after spending the night crying, my head throbbed with pain and the very smell of the food Nanny brought in had me rushing for the bathroom._**

**_So I was left alone. I spent most of the day in my bed, staring at the wall in misery until I realized what time it was, that the ceremony would start soon. Then the need hit me...I had to see Keith's face. I dressed quickly and had a palace guard ride with me over to the chapel in the local village. I lied to him, telling him that while I was sick and didn't want to make anyone else ill, that I had to see my friend's wedding._**

**_He helped me up some narrow stairs into the balcony above the chapel just before the wedding started and I hid behind a pillar so no one could see me. My eyes found Keith immediately, oh Diary...he looked so handsome in his Garrison formal uniform. For the first time since I met him, his hair was neatly cut and brushed back. But his face...the light in his eyes as he watched Jocelyn walking toward him, it was like watching the sun rise and the smile on his lips, was like a secret lover's smile, meant only for her._**

**_Tears ran down my face as I watched the ceremony, unable to look away as I watched my own dreams and happiness die a slow death. I couldn't even look away when Keith was asked to kiss his new bride. The looks on both of their faces when they turned to face the crowd and the priest presented them as Mr. and Mrs. Keith Kogane...if I could have envisioned a moment of perfect happiness...that would have been it._**

**_I left after that, before they walked back down the aisle, I didn't want to be seen. I raced back to the castle with the guard by my side, returned to my room and cried...cried for a dream now dead and for a friendship gone forever._**

**_Allura_**

"Oh God..." Keith closes his eyes as he finishes reading the entry, unable to fathom how painful that experience must have been for Allura. _'I can't imagine trying to watch Jocelyn marry someone else...I would have torn the other guy limb from limb first...'_

Rising from his chair and moving across the room, Keith sits beside Allura then pulls her up into his arms, holding her limp body close to him while whispering into her ear, "I'm so sorry Allura...I should have known you would never be so petty as to deny someone their happiness...not without a reason."

A moment later he lies her back down in the bed, pushing her hair carefully off her face then caressing her cheek, "Please Allura...look at me." Sighing when she only blinks, Keith moves back to his seat and watches her for several long moments before looking at the journal once more, the next entry dated three weeks later:

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_I know I haven't written in a long time...but by the time I return to my room each night, I've been too tired from trying to act like everything is fine to worry about writing. But like an old friend that listens to another friend's sorrows, I need you my friend...one of the few friends I have left I'm afraid._**

**_The others must have found out about my fight with Keith. Lance probably dragged it out of Keith when I, didn't show up at the wedding and of course, Hunk and Pidge heard about it from Lance._**

**_Not that anyone has said anything to me...but it is more of how I am now being treated. I feel like the observer standing on the outside of a window, looking in. During meals, no one speaks to me unless I say something to them first. All answers are gracious and civil...but there are no smiles in my direction...not even when I smile at them first._**

**_In the rec room after dinner, I used to have a seat in the middle as we joked and laughed, enjoying our evening. Now...I'm lucky to find a seat near the edge and I'm thoroughly ignored as everyone else laughs and jokes._**

**_Practice is worse...I don't even feel like a member of the team anymore. As we move through Keith's commands, he compliments, yells at or encourages the others and the others respond back to him... I am now, Princess Allura, this and Princess Allura that...then only when he must speak to me and it isn't just Keith. They are all so formal with me now that more than once when I can't deal with it, I've claimed to be sick to get out of practice._**

**_In times gone by, Keith or Lance would have come to check how sick I was, if I wasn't throwing up, they would haul me out for practice anyway. Now, no one checks on me... other than Coran or Nanny._**

**_I'm thinking about giving up my place on the team... I'm not wanted and I almost don't want to be there anymore...it hurts too much._**

**_Allura_**

Closing the journal, Keith feels like the worst bastard on Arus, "I did this, everyone turned on her because I turned on her." Rubbing his forehead, Keith thinks about everything and everyone Allura's lost...and not just her family and friends before the invasion...but everything she has suffered and lost since. Tears sting his eyes as he looks over at the young woman lying in the bed, "No wonder you started to hide in your mind, it was the only place you could find any happiness."

Wiping the wetness away, Keith forces himself to open the journal once more, _'I will find out everything she has suffered...everything because of me..._' Moving to the next entry dated two weeks later, he reads:

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_It's over...I informed Keith and Coran this morning that I am quitting the Force. Keith said nothing, he simply nodded at me and turned to Coran to say he would take care of contacting Garrison for a replacement pilot before walking out of the room._**

**_Coran studied me closely before asking why I finally decided to quit. I lied...telling him that he and Nanny were right...I need to focus on being a princess and working on diplomatic relations with other planets to help rebuild Arus. He stared at me for the longest time, trying to discern if I was telling the truth or not before he finally turned away from me._**

**_Diary, I came back to my room and cried. I feel like a flower whose petals are being ripped away one by one until there is nothing left but the ugly stem. I skipped dinner tonight, pleading a headache...I couldn't face anyone...knowing that they aren't even disappointed that I've quit the team. I don't think I could bear to see the relief on their faces. They don't have to worry about the inadequate, feeble pilot they've had to put up with for the last year and a half. No more will they have to put themselves in danger in the lions trying to keep me from endangering the rest of them._**

**_I feel so lonely...I'm in a castle full of people but am all alone. I wish Romelle were here...at least I would have someone to talk to, but I know she is busy on Pollux and can't leave. I would have to go to Castle Control to speak to her and I can't bear the thought of someone listening in because she would know something is wrong and would try to get me to talk about it. She's been a princess too long herself...she knows all about the masks._**

**_I'm going to bed now... Perhaps I will create a dream world of my own....where everything is the way it should be....where no one hates me._**

**_Allura_**

Completely heartbroken, Keith closes the journal then sets it away from him, "No more...not today." Wiping the tears from his eyes as he stands up, Keith moves over to Allura whispering, "I am so sorry Allura...I had no idea how much...pain..." Stopping, he lies down in the bed with her, gathering her into his arms and resting his face in her neck then closing his eyes. How long Keith managed to lie there he doesn't know, but the next time he opens his eyes it is to find Lance bending over them, "Everything alright?"

Keith releases Allura slowly as he sits up away from her, "No..." He pulls the blankets up over Allura once more then pauses to place a kiss on her forehead before signaling Lance to follow him out of the room.

Once they get out of MedTech, he turns to Lance, "I'm the world's biggest, asshole prick..."

"Well, I've known that for years..." Lance starts, earning a hard slap to his arm which he rubs, "Come on Keith...what's wrong?"

Stopping, Keith turns his head to make sure no one is near that can overhear before answering, "I turned on Allura...when I did that, I knew that all of you were following suit and ignoring her, but I didn't care because I convinced myself that she was a petty, vindictive witch who didn't want anyone to be happy."

Lance loses all pretense of sarcasm and teasing as he asks, "What did you read?"

Sighing deeply, Keith turns to walk back down the hallway again. Lance follows him quietly until he speaks a moment later, "That I've hurt her in more ways than I've ever dreamed were possible. She was so miserable and lonely that when she quit the Force, she started to retreat into that fantasy world of hers to gain some relief from the pain."

Keith's eyes stare straight ahead as he continues, "I didn't even argue with her when she quit, didn't ask why, nothing... I was relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. I should have known that she wouldn't quit for some lousy excuse like bettering diplomatic relations for Arus, but I was an asshole that didn't care."

"You weren't the only one..."

Turning his gaze, Keith watches Lance as he struggles with himself, "I knew she wouldn't just give up flying...look how long and hard she fought with Nanny and Coran to join the team to begin with. But like you, I didn't care...who wanted a selfish person like that on the team who could turn on us at any time."

Lance finally looks at Keith, his eyes red and beginning to water, "She used to come to me whenever she was sad or lonely...I never questioned when she stopped. After the wedding...after I made you tell me what was going on, I was so angry with her that I didn't stop to think that Allura...our Allura, would never be like that."

He wipes the tears running down his cheeks angrily before stating, "You weren't the only asshole here Keith...we all were." Pulling away from him, Lance leaves Keith behind as he walks away.


	9. Chapter 9

And on we go…

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…

Chapter 9: Dancing, Dreams and Expectations

After spending the rest of the evening with his friends and some quality time with his daughter when he woke up, Keith walks into MedTech the next morning. Walking down the hallway, he stops and studies Allura through the observation window. Remembering Coran's comment that as a child, Allura loved the Terran fairy tales he thinks, '_She looks like Snow White waiting for her prince to kiss her awake...'_ Shaking his head at his fanciful observation, he walks into the room.

With what has become his daily ritual, Keith sits beside Allura on the bed, his fingers moving any stray hairs away from her cheeks as he whispers, "Wake up Princess..." Going back to his thought before walking in when she doesn't respond, Keith bends over her. With his lips just above hers, he whispers, "Please Allura...look at me." and he gently kisses her.

Lifting his face, Keith glances into her eyes, disappointed to find them still vacant. Sighing deeply, he rises and moves to his seat. Settling the journal in his lap, Keith looks up at Allura once more before turning to the page to the next entry, dated two weeks later.

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_It was a magical evening, something out of one of those fairy tales. I'm so glad I let Coran talk me into having the ball. I was so unenthused about going, because I thought there would be no one there to dance with me. Well, someone I wanted to dance with...but I was so wrong._**

Pausing, Keith remembers back to the ball, Jocelyn's first ball. She had been so excited, yet nervous at the same time. A smile crosses his face as he remembers taking her into the ballroom every night for a week before the ball, to teach her how to ballroom dance.

In his mind's eye he can still see how she was dressed that evening, a dark emerald gown, her auburn hair swept up to the top of her head then flowing down her back. '_I remember thinking all she needed was a crown, she looked like a princess to me...'_ He frowns at that thought, his eyes drifting back to Allura.

Shaking his head to clear it, Keith goes back to the journal.

**_I wore the sapphire blue dress that Nanny had made me, the one that matches my eyes and she had done my hair up with the curls hanging down my back. I felt better than I have in ages...and when I walked into the ball on Coran's arm, I could feel all of the eyes on me._**

**_When he walked up to me, I felt my heart skip a beat. I never thought he would ask me to dance._**

Stopping, Keith tries to remember who Allura danced with that would have made such an impression on her after reading how sad she had been. Giving up, he goes back to the entry:

**_Dressed in his formal black uniform, my eyes moved over him. His muscular arms and chest filled out the uniform superbly, his dark hair combed back so it brushed the back of his collar. When he smiled at me and asked me to dance...oh Diary...I had to fight to keep my hand from trembling when I reached out to take his hand._**

**_He led me onto the floor and pulled me hard against him before beginning to waltz me around the room. The music flowed over us and the rest of the people in the room faded away as I held his dark gaze. The dance could have gone on forever and I would have died happy. But as the music ended, he smiled at me as he whispered, "I love you my Princess...you and you alone own my heart."_**

Completely confused, Keith stops reading as he tries to remember the dignitaries that had attended the ball. '_Dark hair and eyes, wearing some kind of black uniform... Who the hell was that?'_ He asks himself as he goes through a picture list in his mind of the guests, discarding them one by one. His eyebrows arch in irritation, '_Damn it....I might not have paid close attention to who Allura danced with that night but I knew the guest list and everyone that attended. Not one of those princes looked the way she described him. Maybe she says his name toward the end...' _Shifting his gaze back to the diary, he reads:

**_Oh Diary, it was like a dream come true...he finally told me that he loved me. I couldn't contain my joy as I replied, "Oh Keith, I've always loved you..."_**

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Keith stops and goes back over the entry, realizing she was describing what he wore to the ball that evening before getting to the end of it. "But I never danced with her and I sure as hell never spoke with her and if I did, I would never have said that!"

Rising from the chair with the journal in his hand, Keith leaves MedTech, walking quickly down the hallway until he reaches his destination. Knocking on the door, he presses the button when he hears a female voice call out, "Enter."

Dr. Smith smiles in greeting as Keith walks into the room. "Good morning Commander. How may I help you?"

"Doctor, I need you to read this passage..." Keith hands her the open journal and stands waiting as she reads the entry. When finished, she looks back up at Keith, "I don't understand what you are looking for..."

Keith cuts her off, "That never happened! I never danced with her that night, pretty sure I didn't speak to her and if I had...I was with my wife. I would have never told Allura I loved her. Why is that in her diary?"

Dr. Smith releases a deep sigh as she hands the journal back to Keith then relaxes back into her chair. Her eyes study him closely before she replies, "I hadn't spoken to her about this instance, but I can guess. Remember what I said about Allura wandering into her own mind...her fantasy world...when she couldn't handle something?"

At Keith's curt nod, she continues, "I'm guessing she was at this ball and yes, while the princes and other dignitaries wanted to dance with her, the one person she wanted to dance with was you and you didn't go near her."

Gritting his teeth, Keith replies, "But the diary has been her memories thus far...things that have happened. Why write..."

"Keith, think about it!" Dr. Smith stands up and moves around her desk to face him, "She wanted to dance with you, but even had she asked, you would have turned her down. Therefore, while she danced with someone else, I think she retreated into her fantasy, where you admitted to her that you loved her. To her it was very real, so she wrote it down to remember it."

Closing his eyes, Keith sits down on the chair in front of her desk. Dr. Smith watches him closely for several quiet moments before speaking softly, "As she progressed into her depression, Allura became desperate for attention from you, attention she never received. Don't be shocked when you find more of these false entries, it was her way of coping."

When he opens his eyes, Dr. Smith can see the sadness in them as he nods at her while standing up. She watches as he takes a deep breath, his hands clutching the diary within them then says, "Thanks..." and turns around to walk out of the room.

Returning to Allura's room, Keith sits down in the chair beside her and studies her for a long period of time. His eyes move over her perfectly arched eyebrows, down her nose to her pert strawberry colored lips...lips he had kissed that morning. A wave of guilt flows over him, '_Jocelyn has barely been gone a month and I'm already kissing another woman...what the hell is wrong with me?'_

Tears sting his eyes and Keith is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't hear the door to the room opening or someone walking in until he hears, "Keith?"

Shifting his gaze, he watches Sven walk across the room toward him, "What's wrong?"

Wiping the tears away from his eyes, Keith's answer is quiet, "Nothing and everything."

"Well, given the circumstances..." Sven starts as he takes a chair out of the corner and pulls it over by Keith. Sitting down, he adds, "But what is bothering you this particular moment is what I meant to ask."

A deep sigh escapes Keith as he glances at Sven then looks at Allura then away to the floor in front of him, "I remembered Coran saying that as a child, Allura loved fairy tales of the princess being carried away by her knight. So I tried kissing her this morning to see if I could get a response."

Sven's eyebrows go up as he glances over at Allura. Turning back to Keith, he replies, "Apparently that was a bust..."

At Keith's snort of derision, Sven smiles softly then adds, "You felt guilty afterward, didn't you?"

"Not at first..." Keith glances down at the diary in his lap, "I read another entry in her diary, one that didn't actually happen."

Confused, Sven asks, "What?"

Taking a deep breath, Keith tells Sven of the ballroom entry and the dance that never occurred, "So according to Dr. Smith, I may find a few more of these entries."

"Ok, so when did you start feeling guilty?" Sven asks as he watches Keith closely.

Flushing with embarrassment, Keith replies, "When I came back; I was studying Allura and I...remembered this morning's kiss..." forfeiting telling him about his dreams.

Sven nods when he stops. He studies his friend closely until he looks away from him, "Keith, Jocelyn is gone. Surely you don't plan on spending the rest of your life alone?"

"I won't be alone. I have Lila..."

Snorting, Sven retorts, "I meant another woman, sex... I highly doubt Jocelyn would have wanted you to go through the rest of your life as a monk."

"Sven..."

Holding up his hand to stop him, Sven speaks quietly, "Keith, you are only twenty five years old. I know it is too soon for you to think about it, but sooner or later you will want and need a woman and not just for relieving any sexual urges."

Standing up, Sven pauses for a moment as he looks over at Allura. His eyes move back to Keith, "She loves you, do not be so quick to throw away another chance at happiness." He starts for the door but stops to look back at Keith, "I don't know what I would do if our positions were reversed and Romelle had been the one to die giving birth to our child...but I do know this, she would want me to love and be loved again." Finishing, Sven walks out of the room.

Keith moves his eyes to the observation window as Sven walks past it before sighing deeply and looking back at Allura once more. After a moment of watching her, he turns back to the journal. The next entry is dated four days after the ball, watery splotches once again making the writing difficult to read.

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_I've flown Blue lion for the last time. The new pilot showed up while we were practicing, Thomas Kiland. Keith called an early end to it and turned everyone back to the castle. I paused mid-air...tempted to fly Blue to the other side of the planet and hide._**

**_Digging into the little reserve of strength I had left, I returned to the castle. As I exited my chute into castle control, I saw the others surrounding the new pilot as they spoke to him. Putting my mask into place, I walked across the room and introduced myself. I kept my gaze on his face, not wanting to look at the others as I handed him my key, then I excused myself and left the room._**

**_My strength left me, I didn't even make it to my room before the sobs started to escape me and the tears ran down my face. Thankfully, I didn't run into anyone before reaching my bedroom. I spent the rest of the afternoon alone. I locked the door and refused to let Nanny or Coran in, telling them I had a headache and to leave me alone._**

**_I must appear at dinner. I'll find the strength I need to go to dinner tonight, to smile at Thomas, the man who has taken my place on the team and in my family. No one can know how much I simply want to stay in bed, go to my dream world and never have to face the reality of my life. A life of loneliness, devoid of my family, my friends and the man I love._**

**_Oh God Diary, what have I ever done to deserve this?_**

**_Allura_**

The diary falls out of Keith's hands as he moves his hands to cover his face. His entire body shakes with his emotion before he rises slowly and walks over to the bed containing the princess. Wordlessly, he lies down beside her, wrapping his arms around her, trying to comfort her as well as himself.

An hour later, Keith rises from the bed as the need to use the bathroom overtakes him. He returns to the room several minutes later, his eyes immediately moving to the woman in the bed. Standing in the middle of the room, he studies her for several long minutes before moving to pick up the diary off the floor where he had dropped it earlier.

Taking the book with him, Keith leaves the room. He walks out of MedTech then down to the bedroom areas. Pausing before a door, he knocks softly then pushes the button to open the door when a voice calls out to him.

Thomas rises from his desk, a confused look on his face as he asks, "Something I can help you with Cap?"

Keith waves him back into his seat then moves to sit down in the chair next to it. He looks the young man over closely before asking, "Do you remember the day you came to Arus, Thomas?"

At the younger man's nod, Keith asks, "What were your observations of Princess Allura that day?"

"I'm afraid I don't understand..." Thomas begins and Keith rephrases his inquiry, "I want to know how she reacted to you, what you saw or thought you saw when she gave you the key to the lion and how she behaved at dinner that night."

A deep sigh escapes Thomas as he sits back in his chair. His eyes move to the desk top as he quietly replies, "I glanced over when she arrived in control. She is such a beautiful woman, I couldn't help myself. I briefly thought I saw a look of pure misery before suddenly her entire demeanor changed."

"Her damned mask..." Keith murmurs.

"I'm sorry?" Thomas asks, his eyes meeting Keith's once more.

"Never mind, what else did you notice?"

Thomas nods then replies, "Her hand shook slightly as she placed the key in my hand, her smile seemed a bit forced and she had a hard time meeting my eyes. I couldn't understand why she had decided to quit when it was pretty obvious that she didn't want to."

As Keith swears under his breath, Thomas continues, "That night at dinner, it was much the same. She smiled at me when she spoke to me, but I could tell she wanted me gone." Thomas clears his throat before stating, "It was during that dinner that I figured out the reason why she quit. I noticed that while everyone spoke to me or to each other, I was the only one that spoke to Princess Allura. It didn't take a genius to realize that something had happened and the entire team had...well...disowned her, for lack of a better term."

Keith swallows hard then asks, "Anything else?"

Nodding hesitantly, Thomas replies, "Just before dessert was served and Princess left; I noticed Jocelyn studying her closely. The look on her face as she stared at Allura would be what I would describe as a look of regret."

Confused, Keith studies Thomas closely for moment before he mutters, "Thanks." and rises. As he makes his way to the door, Thomas' voice calling out to him stops him, "Keith, I'm just as responsible for the Princess' condition as the rest of you. I knew that it was killing her to give up the lion but I couldn't give it up either. Being on the Force has been a dream of mine since I had heard about Voltron while at the Academy. Once I was here, I couldn't walk away."

"I understand Thomas, not many people can walk away from their dream." Keith replies, before walking out of the room.


	10. Chapter 10

Many thanks to the reviewers…glad you are enjoying the story.

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…

Chapter 10: Harsh Realities

Keith spends the rest of the afternoon working in his office, deliberately ignoring the journal as it rests on his desk. His mind, however, keeps going back over the last journal entry he had read and his conversation with Thomas.

Agitated, he finally throws his pen down while rising from his desk. His mind goes back over his last statement to Thomas, '_not many people can walk away from their dream...'_ He sighs while continuing the thought, '_But isn't that what Allura did? She fought so hard to fly Blue lion, and gave it up. What did that do to her beyond what she wrote in the diary?'_

Turning back to his desk, his eyes are drawn to the diary once more. He starts to walk back to it but stops when his comm. unit goes off. Pulling it off his belt, he answers, "Kogane."

Coran answers him, "Commander, Admiral Graham would like a word with you. Please come to the control room."

"I'm on my way Coran." Keith answers as he heads for the door.

He walks down the hallway quickly; nodding at the greetings from the people he passes then enters the control room a few minutes later to find the admiral displayed on the screen. Keith walks up the dais before he greets him, "Admiral."

"Commander Kogane, I need to know your intentions." The older man states, "I've been holding this position open for you, however they need to fill it now...not three months from now. When do you plan on departing Arus?"

Keith sighs as he looks away. His gaze stops on Coran, who is sitting in the command chair, not an ounce of emotion visible on his face. _'Another master of the damn masks...'_ The loud clearing of a throat drags his attention back to the monitors. The admiral arches a brow at him in irritation. Gritting his teeth for a moment, Keith finally replies, "I'm going to have to withdraw my request for transfer for now. I can't leave until this problem with Princess Allura is settled and I don't know how long that will take."

"Very well." Admiral Graham studies him closely then adds, "I'll take the liberty of cancelling the transfer of Commander Paulson to Arus then. With you there, there is no need to have another Commander simply sitting around."

Grinding his teeth together until his jaw hurts, Keith manages to mutter, "Thank you, Admiral."

The older man nods at him then the screen goes blank. Keith looks down to find a small, satisfied smile on Coran's face before he hides it. Deciding to leave before he starts a fight, Keith says nothing as he spins around and walks out of the room.

Moving quickly down the hallway, he passes by several people without even looking at them. He slams his hand on the button to his office door then stomps inside. He glares at the journal on his desk as he passes by it and moves over to the window. Someone knocks on his door not even a moment later and he ignores it. Keith listens to the door open but still refuses to turn around to greet his guest.

"In that kind of mood are you?"

As Lance's voice fills the room, Keith finally turns around to glare at him, "What the hell do you want?"

With his eyebrow arched, Lance stares at him for a moment before he asks quietly, "What bug crawled up your ass to fester?"

Swearing under his breath, Keith stomps back to his desk and flops himself into the seat. Leaning over his desk, he holds his head in his hands, his eyes closed.

Lance continues to watch him for several long moments before moving forward and sitting down on the chair in front of the desk. Tired of waiting, he asks again, "What's wrong?"

"Life..." Keith mumbles.

Crossing his arms and legs, Lance sits back and waits. He doesn't have to wait long. Keith finally looks up, his face still full of fury and misery, "I had to withdraw my request for my transfer. I can't leave until Allura's awake and they can't wait to fill that post."

"Oh shit..." Lance replies quietly, his face showing dismay at Keith's announcement since he knew what that transfer meant to his friend.

"That's putting it mildly..." Keith replies as he sits back in the chair, "I'm screwed. I was lucky to get the transfer right away to begin with. Now, I'll be stuck for here months. Who knows how long it will take to get another position on Earth once this thing with Allura is over."

"Perhaps it's a sign Keith..." Lance tells him in the same quiet voice, "Perhaps it's Fate telling you to stay here."

"Fate my ass!" Keith swears at him, his eyes blazing with anger once more. He stands up, bending over the desk, "I'm sorry Allura is in the condition she is. I'm sorry that she fell in love with me and didn't bother to say anything. I'm sorry that her life has been a complete misery, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let that dictate to me that I should give up what's left of my life just to make her happy."

He grabs Allura's journal off his desk and throws it at the wall. "Fuck Fate!" he yells at Lance, "That bitch has done nothing for me except take away my wife, leave me with a child to raise and then deny me the one thing I wanted...to get off this fucking planet!"

Keith clears everything off his desk with one sweep of his arm. Amidst the crashing sounds of the data-pad hitting the floor along with the books, lamp and other papers that were on the desk, Lance keeps his face neutral and watches as Keith kicks his chair away from him then stomps out of the room.

"Well, that went well." Lance sighs as he glances around at the mess. Standing up, he picks up the mess off the floor, grimacing when he notices the crack in the middle of the data-pad's screen. Once most of the mess is picked up, he walks over to the wall to pick up Allura's journal.

Dangling it so the pages all move back into place, Lance finally positions it so he can look at it. He flips the pages, looking at Allura's neat handwriting but not really reading it. Finally, he closes it and positions it back on Keith's desk.

He walks to the door sighing, "I better find Sven, maybe he can calm Keith down."

* * *

Exiting the rec room, Sven's expression is grim after his talk with Lance. He stops by Keith's room and office to try to locate him then moves onto the only other place he knows to look for him…the gym. Walking into the room, he finds Keith beating the punching bag in front of him. Sweat is running down his face and his shirtless chest.

Moving to the middle of the room, Sven leans against a column near the bag and watches as Keith performs a roundhouse kick, knocking the bag fully away from him while ignoring his friend. As the bag comes back toward him, Keith grabs it to stop its swinging motion. His angry black eyes finally settle on Sven as he asks, "What the hell do you want?"

"Nothing." Sven replies as he continues to lean against the column, watching his friend. As Keith starts hitting the bag again, he quietly asks, "Lance told me you had to withdraw your request for transfer."

"Fucking busy body..." Keith replies as he punches the bag even harder, sending it flying back away from him again.

"Perhaps." Sven replies with a soft smile on his face. Stepping forward, he grabs the bag and moves to hold it in front of Keith. Soft brown eyes meet the dark ones smoldering with anger in front of him. Quietly, he asks, "What are you really angry about Keith? It isn't just the transfer."

Turning away from him, Keith grabs a towel and starts vigorously wiping the sweat off his body, "I'm tired of this shit. Tired of being made to feel sorry for Allura when she did nothing to help herself. I'm tired of waking up in the morning expecting to find Jocelyn beside me only to realize I'm alone."

He throws the towel in the nearest bin then adds, "And I'm damned tired of stopping my life to help everyone else." Meeting Sven's gaze once more, he declares, "I want to be selfish for once. I want to do things when I want to do them and to hell with everyone else. I want to fucking be able to leave when I want to leave."

"So leave." Sven replies, his gaze hardening.

Snorting, Keith runs his hand through his hair in frustration. He stops and turns back to Sven when he states, "I mean it Keith...if you are so fucking miserable, leave."

"What about Allura?" he asks, his gaze losing the hard look as uncertainty fills him.

"As you stated, you aren't responsible for her situation." Sven replies as he moves closer. "Allura did this to herself, why should you stop your life to help her?"

Keith looks away from him to move over to the wall. Placing his back against it, he slides down to the gym matt. He looks back up at Sven, anguish in his eyes as he tells him, "I can't just leave. It would kill me if she died as well, when I know I can stop it."

Sven sits down in front of him as Keith covers his eyes with his hand. "I know Keith, but you needed to come to that realization yourself."

Looking back up, tears are running down Keith's cheeks but his tone is sarcastic as he replies, "When did you become such a fucking genius?"

"A long time ago..." Sven answers him with a sardonic smile on his face as he arches a brow at him, "I learned from the best."

Another loud snort escapes Keith as he shakes his head at him, "You didn't learn how to manipulate emotions from me."

Sven chuckles softly, "Well, I learned some from you...but a lot more from Romelle."

Some of the anger returns to Keith's eyes as he states, "Masks...fucking masks. It's how Allura got into this mess. She always wore a mask."

"Perhaps..." Sven tells him, "But even you wear masks Keith, when you've been negotiating with other military leaders." He arches a brow at him, "And sometimes with your friends, when you want to hide something from us."

As Keith looks away, Sven continues, "It is no different for Allura. She felt she had to hide her feelings, fearful that they wouldn't be returned." Reaching forward he places a hand on Keith's arm, "Fearful of getting hurt."

"And she did get hurt..." Keith whispers almost inaudibly.

"Yes, she did..." Sven agrees as he sits back, "She didn't take the risk and she lost, almost everything. That is why she is in this mindless state. She could no longer handle the pain."

He stands back up and glances back down at Keith once more, "Don't blame yourself for her condition Keith, she is as much at fault as anyone else, but do not lose yourself in the process of trying to bring her back."

Keith watches him walk out of the gym. Rising slowly, he heads for the shower, a feeling of calmness replacing the burning anger he felt earlier.

* * *

Refusing to return to his office, Keith spends the afternoon with his daughter. After dinner, he declines joining the others in the rec room and instead reads a story to Lila as he rocks her to sleep. After placing her in her crib, Keith picks up the baby monitor and walks out the door. _'Might as well go clean up the mess I made earlier...'_

Walking into his office, he is surprised to find his office cleaned up. Moving over to his desk, he finds a new data-pad with a note from Lance stating the other one had suffered an accident. Smiling ruefully at his friend's attempt at humor, Keith sits down at his desk and moves everything back into its proper place.

His eyes settle on the journal finally and he sighs as he picks it up. His fingers run along the spine before he settles it in front of him and opens it. Turning the pages, he glances at the entries he has already read, letting his mind wander over the events once more before reaching the last entry he had read. Turning the page, Keith reads the next entry.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Keith and Jocelyn made an announcement just before dinner, she's pregnant, almost four months along. Four months...has it been that long already since I watched my love marry another? She must have gotten pregnant on their wedding night or shortly thereafter.**_

_**I couldn't stop the overwhelming sadness I felt at the announcement, for the first time, my mask failed me. I left the room as tears ran down my cheeks. I pray no one noticed. I don't know how to explain my feelings...a baby, Keith will be a father.**_

_**I guess some part of me had hoped that he would see the truth. How much I love him and he would leave Jocelyn to be with me. A stupid, girlish hope I know. He is much too honorable to walk away from his wedding vows even if he would have found out. But this baby kind of seals everything, there is nothing left to hope for, Keith is lost to me...forever.**_

_**Allura**_

Stopping at the end of the entry, Keith sighs deeply, "Oh Allura..." He glances at the other side of page, refusing to dwell on that entry as he prepares himself to read the next one.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Coran once again approached me about a prince wanting to visit Arus so that he might court me. I turned him down. I can't even fathom marrying someone other than Keith, so I have decided to never marry. **_

_**Not that I told Coran that. He thinks I am just being stubborn and pigheaded and maybe I am. But how could I marry another man when he can never be the one I want? I would just make both of us miserable and I would rather be miserable alone.**_

_**Allura**_

Shaking his head, a soft smile forms on Keith's lips, "Yes, Allura could be very pigheaded when she wanted to be." He turns the page and continues reading entry after entry of daily happenings in Allura's life. His amazement grows as he starts to notice that many of the entries make some kind of note in passing about Jocelyn's pregnancy and how it was progressing.

Turning another page, Keith stops as he notices the handwriting looks much more hurried on the next entry.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I overheard Keith and Jocelyn talking in the rec room this afternoon about trying to decide if they want to find out the sex of the baby prior to giving birth. Keith wants to know, Jocelyn told him it is like opening a present for his birthday a month in advance.**_

_**Oh Diary...the look on Keith's face as he moved his hand over her belly, he is so happy about becoming a father. I've made a decision. I will love this child as I love its father. Even if I can have only a small influence on this child's life, I will do anything to ensure its happiness. The hard part will be doing it without Keith noticing...God help me.**_

_**Allura**_

His emotions getting the better of him, Keith wipes away a tear that runs down his cheek at the memory of that afternoon. _'Jocelyn laughed at me as I tried to persuade her to find out the sex of the baby in advance. The look in her eyes changed though as I asked if she wanted me to come along to her next appointment. She patted my hand as it rested on her belly and told me not to worry...she didn't want me to fall behind on my work and have to work after dinner. I kissed her and left the room...never noticing that Allura was even in there.'_

He re-reads the entry, amazed by the dedication Allura showed to him. _'She was ready to love a child not her own...simply because the child was mine.'_

A sound coming through the baby monitor draws his attention away. The whimpering sound grows into crying and Keith sighs as he stands up. "I'm coming Lila..." he says as he walks out of the room.


	11. Chapter 11

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…

Chapter 11: Divine Obsession

Waving at the others as he leaves the dining room the next morning, Keith walks down the hallway to his bedroom to pick up Allura's journal. Moving through the castle, he stops by the nursery to find Romelle patting Lila's back gently as she fusses on her shoulder.

"Hey, need a hand?" he asks as he sets the journal down on a nearby table.

Romelle smiles up at Keith as she hands his daughter up to him, "Nanny had already fed her when I came in, she's just a little fussy this morning."

A broad smile crosses Keith's face as he whispers to Lila, "You tell your aunty Romelle that it's your right as a woman to be fussy..."

Shaking her head at him, Romelle watches as Keith walks around the room with Lila in his arms, speaking to her softly until she calms down. "Perhaps she just needed some Daddy time..." Romelle suggests as she watches Keith move back toward her.

"Perhaps..." Keith replies as he hands a sleepy Lila back to Romelle. He moves back to pick up the journal, waves at Romelle, and then walks out of the room.

Walking into MedTech, he nods to the nurses he passes as he walks to Allura's room. Pausing by the window, Keith watches Dr. Gorma look over the displays in front of him before turning around to leave the room.

As the doctor walks out, Keith asks, "No change?"

Dr. Gorma looks a little flustered to see Keith before mumbling, "No..." and walking away.

Watching him for a moment, Keith shakes his head in confusion when Dr. Gorma turns down a corridor then walks into Allura's room. His eyes move over her body as she lies in the bed on her back, her head turned so she faces the chair Keith sits in.

Moving to the chair, Keith sits down and watches her for a moment. "Allura?" His voice echoes quietly around the room. Staring into her eyes, Keith looks for a reaction...any reaction then closes his eyes in frustration when he finds nothing.

Opening them again, he looks down at the book in his hand. Flipping through the pages, he moves to the place he left off and begins to read:

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I...I don't know. All I wanted was for him to hold me...so I could feel safe…protected, after Lotor tried...and he wouldn't. I know, he had to go fight the robeast and left me beside Jocelyn. I glanced up as he hugged her, his lips moving across her forehead as he whispered he loved her.**_

_**I cried, I couldn't stop crying. Jocelyn, she started to whisper to me that I would be ok and pulled me against her, her hand running over my hair as she tried to comfort me. I felt the baby move, my cheek was resting against her stomach and I felt it move. And when I inhaled I could smell Keith...his scent was on her clothing. I clung to her when we got back to the castle. I needed that small part of him even as I heard the battle raging overhead, knew he was in it and she stayed with me.**_

_**I fell asleep listening to her sing a lullaby to me and smelling Keith on her clothing. God, I don't know what to do anymore...**_

_**Allura**_

Keith glanced over the entry again, taking in the watery splotches obscuring some of the words. _Tears...she was crying when she wrote this._ Glancing at the date once more, Keith searches his mind before remembering:

_We were working on rebuilding the school for the kids in the local village. Allura had taken two of the maids and one of the palace guards with her to pick some berries in the nearby woods. I had forced Jocelyn to stay resting under a tree...I didn't want her to strain herself and the baby. _

_One of the maids had come screaming from the woods a while later that Lotor had the princess. I left Pidge and Thomas with two of the palace guards to protect the rest of the women while Hunk, Lance and I went after Allura. We came upon them just as Lotor backhanded Allura to the ground then bent to try to pick her up. I managed to shoot him in the shoulder before he got her. Lotor turned and ran away as I continued forward. I picked up Allura as Lance grabbed the remaining maid. I looked over the forest floor, finding the palace guard, dead._

_Allura clung to me, crying, as we ran back out of the forest while listening to the sound of a robeast's screams. I put her in the speeder and ordered the guard to take her and Jocelyn back to the castle before we ran for the lions._

His mind focuses on the battle briefly before he remembers:

_After I returned, I was worried when I didn't find Jocelyn waiting for me in castle control. I ran for MedTech only to be told she was fine, but with Allura. Walking into the room, I found Jocelyn sitting up against the wall in the bed, Allura's arms wrapped around her waist, asleep, as Jocelyn continued to hum softly to her._

_She had put her fingers to her lips to keep me quiet as I approached the bed, but Jocelyn's eyes showed her anger as she whispered, "Look what that...bastard...did to her."_

_I saw the bruising on Allura's face where Lotor had hit her then watched as Jocelyn lowered her hospital gown enough that I could see the wounds on Allura's chest, above her breasts, where Lotor had scratched her while ripping part of her gown off of her._

_Looking back into Jocelyn's eyes, I could see the fire of anger in them as she whispered, "You need to kill him." She had shocked me. My gentle wife was ordering me to kill the Prince of Doom before she added, "Princess Allura has been through too much to have that animal do these things to her. I mean it Keith...if he comes near her again...I want you to kill him."_

_Only after I nodded wordlessly to her could I get her away from Allura and to our room so she could rest._

Shaking his head at the memories, Keith re-reads the journal entry sadly. Looking up, he gazes into Allura's vacant, blue eyes whispering, "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from that Allura...that I couldn't give you what you needed to feel safe."

Setting the journal down, he moves across the room and gently touches her cheek, "Please Allura, look at me." Moving his hand to her hair, Keith gently brushes it off her face before bending over to place a light kiss on her forehead.

Sighing when she doesn't respond to him, he rises and moves back to his chair. Re-opening the journal, his eyes move to the next entry, dated a week later:

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Coran and Nanny are worried about me because I "haven't been acting the same" since Lotor's attack. Truthfully, I haven't acted like myself since Keith announced his engagement but thanks to Coran's lessons on keeping my emotions hidden, it took them a long time to notice it.**_

_**What is there to smile and laugh about when the man I love is in married to someone else and the only man that actually wants me is a psychopath intent on raping me? **_

_**They brought in a doctor a few days ago, Dr. Smith, to work with me. She's an older woman, around forty five and seems very nice. I've spoken to her every day since she arrived. I know she is trying to earn my trust and get me to open up to her, but how can I tell someone I barely know my deepest secrets? Secrets I've not even shared with my friends...when they were my friends. **_

_**She's assured me that anything I say to her is confidential, that no one but she would know. Maybe I should tell her about Keith...how much I love him...to say the words to someone even if I can never say them to him?**_

_**If only I could sleep at night, Nanny and Coran would never have suspected anything. But every time I close my eyes, I see those yellow ones leering at me as he ripped my gown from my chest that day in the woods. I've been tired and irritable with everyone and the tears seem to rise in my eyes with the least provocation. I know if Keith were near, I would be fine, but I might as well wish for peace between Arus and Doom.**_

_**Out of desperation, I snuck into Keith's room tonight after dinner, when everyone else went to the rec room. I took one of his shirts that was hanging off the back of a chair. I held it to my nose and closing my eyes, I could almost feel like he was beside me as I inhaled his scent.**_

_**Tonight I will sleep with it near my face. Perhaps if I can smell him when I go to sleep, it will be enough to keep the nightmares away.**_

_**Allura**_

"Sweet Jesus..." Keith can't believe his eyes as he re-reads the passage, "So that is why I was suddenly missing clothing! I thought I was losing my mind." His eyes move back to Allura, thinking, '_That couldn't have been the only time she took something, I've been missing things off and on for months'. _Curious, Keith rises then removes his shirt.

Walking over to the bed, he places it near Allura's face then steps back. He watches her closely for several long minutes. Sighing, "So much for that idea..." he is about to take his shirt back when Allura moves her head just enough to push her nose into the shirt.

"Allura?" Moving closer, he looks down at her while moving his fingers over her cheek. "Come on Princess...I'm here...look at me." He pleads with her, frustrated by her lack of response. Growling, "DAMN IT!" when she doesn't respond to him, Keith picks up the journal and leaves the room.

* * *

Walking down the hall, Keith ignores the twittering of the nurses he passes on his way out of MedTech. He continues to ignore the gasps from the maids and curious glances of the guards he passes as he walks down the hallways.

Just before reaching his room, he walks past Sven and Lance, both of whom raise their eyebrows at him in askance as they take in his shirtless form. Keith shakes his head at them saying, "Don't ask..." before hitting the button and walking into his room.

Sven looks over at Lance and signals him to follow and both walk into Keith's room after him. They watch him as he opens his closet and pulls out a shirt, shoving his arms into it before pulling it over his head. Arching his brow sardonically, Sven asks, "Problems with keeping your clothes on?"

As Lance quietly chuckles, Keith glares at him then sighs. Moving toward his bed, Keith tiredly sits down on it as he looks up at his two best friends, "No, I was trying something..."

"Trying something...like what? Strip tease?" Lance interjects with a laugh.

"No, trying to wake up Allura, jackass." Keith replies angrily.

"By taking your shirt off?" Sven asks, his eyes showing his confusion.

Sighing deeply, Keith answers, "I read an entry in Allura's diary. After Lotor attacked her, a couple of months back, she was suffering from nightmares and was unable to sleep." At the interested looks on the faces of the men in front of him, Keith continues, "Out of desperation, she snuck into my room and stole a shirt of mine..."

"I don't understand..." Lance starts, fully confused, "Why would she need your shirt?"

"Your scent..." Lance turns his head to Sven, who is looking at Keith speculatively, "She wanted to be able to smell you..."

Keith nods at him as Lance asks, "Smell you? Why on Earth?"

"To keep the nightmares away..." Sven tells him as he turns toward him, "It was something Romelle did when we first returned to Pollux, after escaping Doom. She wouldn't be able to sleep at night unless she was near me. On Pollux, that was impossible since we weren't even engaged at the time, so she would take a shirt I had recently worn and sleep with it near her, it was comforting to her."

Keith nods as Lance swears softly. Sven turns back to him, "I take it the shirt didn't work?"

Shaking his head, Keith replies, "Not entirely, she shifted her head enough to push her nose into it, but didn't awaken."

"But she did react..." Sven states, his eyes speculative at Keith's nod.

"Yes, so I left it by her." Keith sighs deeply while rubbing his eyes. A short self-depreciating laugh escapes him before he looks back up at his friends, "Do you know I thought I was losing my mind for months? I would put a shirt on a hanger or on a chair and it would disappear for days at a time before reappearing suddenly."

"She would take a new one once the smell was gone from the last one she took." Sven supplies as Keith once again nods at him, "Yes, that is my guess. I remember asking the maids about it and they all looked at me like I was crazy."

"Well Keith, I'm guessing Allura hid them from the maids and Nanny in her room and would replace them when she knew she wouldn't get caught." Sven replies, smiling at him.

Lance states, "That's kind of creepy..." as Keith nods at Sven.

Keith turns his head to Lance, arching a brow in question as Lance shrugs and adds, "It was like your own personal stalker..."

"She couldn't help it Lance!" Keith replies angrily, cutting him off, "She was frightened and had no one to go to..." Stopping, he runs his hand through his hair in agitation, "And that was my fault as well..."

Sven steps forward, grabbing his shoulder to get him to stop, "Stop blaming yourself for everything Keith...some of it is Allura's fault for never saying anything."

Nodding at him, Keith smiles softly then glances at the clock on his bedside table, "It's lunch time, let's go eat." He stands up then asks, "So where is my daughter?"

Sven smiles broadly at him as he replies, "Romelle was fighting off Hunk and Pidge to hold Lila when I left. She will be in the dining room with them."

Keith smiles at the look on the faces of the men in front of him before saying, "Well, let's go so I can save my daughter from them." The other two laugh quietly as all three walk out of the room together.


	12. Chapter 12

Misty, thanks for the reviews, but when it comes to Lotor and what he would and would not do to Allura, we are going to have to agree to disagree. ;) Hope you keep enjoying the story. Thanks to the other reviewers as well…now onto the show!

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…

Chapter 12: Dancing Amongst Daydreams of Flowers

After lunch and some time calming down while sitting with his daughter, Keith makes his way to his office and works on several reports due to Galaxy Garrison, his eyes drifting from time to time to Allura's journal, resting off to one side. Two hours later, tired of trying to force his attention on the reports, Keith gives up and picks up the journal while thinking, _'It's as bad as a mystery novel...I need to know what happens next.'_

He pages through, glancing at the one he read earlier once more before turning the page to the next one dated a few days later.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Where to start? So many thoughts have been going through my head lately. I walked into the rec room this afternoon after another session with Dr. Smith.**_

_**I was standing near the window, gazing out at the clouds, lost in thought when the door opened. I turned to see who was coming in, hoping it was Keith and found Jocelyn smiling at me as she walked into the room. She inquired how I was feeling, as she looked me over carefully.**_

_**I turned away from her gaze, the bruises on my face from Lotor's attack have faded for the most part, but I still have a yellowish tinge to my skin. Feeling her hand on my shoulder, I turned back to her and she smiled so gently at me whispering, "I understand Princess...I'm sorry you had to go through that."**_

_**Oh Diary, I can see why Keith fell in love with her, she is such a wonderful person and I only want to hate her. I want her to be nasty, evil and undeserving of Keith. But she isn't, she is everything I would hope I could be someday...someone Keith could love.**_

_**Tears ran down my cheeks and she looked so upset that I was crying, she pulled me to her and hugged me while I cried. I rested a hand on her belly as I cried and I felt the baby kick again. I stopped crying as I laughed at the feeling of the baby kicking again and again.**_

_**Jocelyn smiled at me then said, "Easy for you to laugh at...it is my side this baby seems determined to take down. Something baby is inheriting from Keith I would guess..."**_

_**She left shortly after that, once she knew I was all right. I turned back to the window and my thoughts of the meeting I had just finished with Dr. Smith. Diary, I had told her of my love for Keith today...how it hurts to see him with Jocelyn.**_

_**Dr. Smith told me I have to let Keith go, that it isn't healthy for me to hold onto this attachment of mine to him when he is a happily married man with a baby on the way. It hurts so much Diary...how can I let go of my heart?**_

_**I could as easily stop seeing...stop breathing...stop...living.**_

_**Allura**_

Tears run down the side of Keith's face as he finishes reading the section. Jocelyn had never told him of her meeting with Allura. Closing the journal, he wipes at his cheeks, _'Two women...so similar yet so different and both in love with me...' _

Taking a deep breath, Keith's fingers shake as he reopens the journal and moves on to the next entry dated two days later.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Today was a beautiful day. So beautiful that, at breakfast, Keith suggested the Force go out for a picnic. The rest of the men all smiled and laughed with happiness. I glanced at Jocelyn, she had a soft smile on her face for Keith before she turned her gaze to me. **_

_**I looked down at the table, unable to keep her gaze when I knew...I wasn't invited along. I could feel the tears starting to sting my eyes and was about to excuse myself and leave when Nanny walked back into the room.**_

_**When Keith made the request for a picnic basket for the group, Nanny exclaimed, "What a wonderful idea Commander. I will of course be accompanying the Princess as her chaperone." **_

_**Diary, I was so embarrassed. I knew I wasn't wanted and Nanny had invited us along. I refused to raise my gaze from the table. I didn't want to see the looks on anyone's faces. I could barely contain my shock when I heard Keith reply in a normal voice, "Of course Nanny...we wouldn't want it any other way."**_

_**For a brief moment, I felt hope...hope that I was forgiven. That is when I glanced up and felt everything inside me break again. Keith glanced my way, but it was the look of someone resigned to having their day of fun hampered. **_

"Jesus..." Keith pauses in his reading to run his hand through his hair. "Another hurtful day, another day of pain and humiliation for her. Why the hell couldn't I see what I was doing to her?" Forcing his attention back to the journal, he reads,

_**We took the carriages, Nanny and I rode with Lance, Pidge and Thomas. I could have been a rock for as much attention as they paid me. We reached the meadow with the nearby pond just before noon. Nanny spread out a blanket for me and I sat down on it, with only Nanny for company.**_

_**The others sat farther away. I watched them talk and laugh, some sitting on the blanket, some lying on their sides as they ate and enjoying the warmth of the sun. I ate very little...my stomach was tied in knots. My eyes moved over them and I watched as Keith held out a strawberry for Jocelyn with that smile on his face, the smile just for her. I couldn't watch anymore, so I told Nanny I wanted to take a nap and laid down on the blanket.**_

_**She left me to visit with the others so I might rest in peace. Once she was away, I let loose my tears. Crying silently for the family I have lost...the second family I have lost. I must have cried myself to sleep for I awoke to Nanny shaking my shoulders; it was time to leave.**_

_**I didn't even attempt to look at anyone on the way back to the castle. I spent the ride staring out the window, but seeing nothing. When we returned, I pled a headache and didn't go to dinner. I put my nightgown on and went to bed.**_

_**But I didn't sleep...instead, I relived the day in my head, making it the way it should have been. I sat next to Keith in the carriage, his arm around my waist as he held me tight to him. I looked up into his eyes and he smiled down at me, love shining in his eyes, love for me...**_

_**We arrived in the meadow and Keith spread out a blanket for us. Lance smiled at us as we sat down together, making his usual jokes. Hunk was the first to dive into the picnic basket, pulling out all the food and the bottle of wine Nanny sent along. Pidge sat cross legged on the blanket, one of his many gadgets in his hand as he studied it closely.**_

_**After a wonderful lunch, Hunk, Pidge and Lance took the soccer ball they brought with and went to play in the field. Keith and I laid down on the blanket together and stared up at the clouds, naming the shapes. I laughed when Keith said one looked like Lotor's backside.**_

_**I fell asleep in his arms, feeling safe, secured and loved. When I awoke, it was to a daisy being run down my face. I looked up into Keith's loving eyes as he whispered, "Hello my love, sleep well?"**_

_**I smiled up at him as he used the flower to tease my lips before he moved it down along my throat then to the area just above my breasts. His lips soon followed the same path, making me sigh deeply. **_

_**Keith looked back up at me after a final kiss to my throat and asked if I wanted to dance. He pulled me up off the blanket then into his arms. We moved together so elegantly as we danced among the flowers.**_

_**All too soon, we left to return to the castle. Keith whispered into my ears, just as we were arriving, "Let's skip dinner and spend the night together..." I spent the night in his arms...feeling like the most loved woman in the universe.**_

_**Allura**_

Closing his eyes as he finishes the passage, Keith ignores the fantasy at the end, focusing instead on the picnic. How painful the whole thing had been for her. Opening his eyes, he reads over the section again, stopping at her description of her lying on the blanket crying. '_For the family I have lost...the second family I have lost.' _

Tears slide out of his eyes, "God Allura...the pain we put you through."

He wipes at his cheeks as the door to his office opens and Coran walks into the room. Pausing in front of Keith's desk, the old advisor glances at the journal in his hands then to the look on his face before asking, "Everything all right?"

Keith shakes his head, looking away from Coran's gaze, "No. I never realized how much we all hurt Allura." He finally looks up into the older man's eyes again, "How could I not see what I was doing to her?"

Coran smiles sadly at him then sits down on the chair in front of the desk with a deep sigh, "In my vast experience, I have found that people who are in love and happy tend not to see the people around them."

"That is no excuse..." Keith sighs as he sits back in his chair.

"Don't be so hard on yourself Commander..." Coran replies. He glances away before adding, "It took me a long time to notice how sad Princess Allura was myself. I taught her far too well how to find her emotions and cover things up with a pleasant smile."

He looks back at Keith as he finishes, the depths of pain visible in his eyes, "Are you any closer to knowing how to bring her back?"

Shaking his head, Keith answers, "No, the few things I've tried so far have not worked."

Coran stands up, a soft smile on his face, "Well, I have faith that you will find a way."

Shaking his head, Keith voices his fear, "What if I can't?"

"NO..." Coran stops then clears his throat but the look in his eyes is intense, "You will find a way Keith. I know you will...you have to."

Keith looks up and is shocked to see the tears shining in the older man's eyes before he turns around without another word and leaves the room. Feeling the intense need to find some comfort of his own, Keith rises and leaves his office, "I need to hold my daughter..."

____________

Later that evening, Keith sighs as he places a sleeping Lila in her crib. Looking around the room, he realizes he had left the journal in his office earlier and groans. Picking up the baby monitor, Keith walks down the hallway. Upon entering his office, he sits back down at his desk.

Picking up the journal, he thumbs through until he finds the last entry he had read then turns the page. Keith spends the next twenty minutes reading entries about Allura's daily activities...activities that do not include spending time with any friends.

Shifting in his seat, Keith turns the page and reads through another entry, his eyebrows rising at the excitement in the writing until he gets further in. Realizing that her excitement had to do with a meeting she had with himself and Coran over some security concerns, Keith swears, "Christ! How sad is it that her only excitement was a meeting over that stuff?"

Looking at the next entry, Keith squints his tired eyes to read.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Keith was injured today, it wasn't by an attack fortunately. The boys had been finishing the work they started on the school when Lotor tried to kidnap me. Apparently, several large beams fell down hitting Keith in the chest and one hit his head.**_

_**The others rushed him back to the castle and MedTech. When I heard about it, I slipped into the waiting room just as Dr. Gorma was coming out to tell everyone that Keith, while in pain, was fine.**_

_**I left again before anyone could say something to me, but had to return later, to check that he was really all right. I glanced into the observation window to find Dr. Gorma bending over Jocelyn as she sat next to Keith's bed. I saw him helping her to stand and stepped away from the window to step around a corner. I watched as he led her out of the room and down the hall.**_

_**I waited until they couldn't hear me, then walked back to Keith's room and entered it. He moaned in pain as I approached the bed. I leaned over him as his eyes opened partially and he groaned out "Joc" before closing them again.**_

_**Avoiding the bandage on his forehead, I brushed his hair back as I whispered to him that he would be all right. My heart beat rapidly as his eyes opened again and he murmured, "I love you..." then fell asleep again.**_

_**I love you...words I've always longed to hear from his lips. Words that weren't meant for me since he thought I was his wife. A tear escaped my eye as I leaned over and kissed him gently on the forehead. I heard the door behind me open so I quickly wiped my cheek before turning around to find Dr. Gorma behind me.**_

_**Diary, he was so angry with me. He reprimanded me then pushed me out the door. I walked back to my room slowly...reliving the moment Keith said those words. I'm going to bed and dreaming of him saying those words to me.**_

_**Allura**_

Sighing, Keith shakes his head sadly at the entry, "Allura..." Moving his eyes down the page, he moves to the next entry dated the following day.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I feel like the fates are against me. Dr. Gorma must have told Coran about my visit to Keith late last night. Coran grabbed my arm as I was about to walk into the dining room for breakfast and dragged me to the nearest empty room and proceeded to blast me for visiting Keith.**_

_**After that, I lost my appetite and went to my office instead. When I went to my appointment with Dr. Smith this afternoon, it was the same thing. She reminded me that Keith is a married man with a child on the way and I am not his wife. Something I told her she doesn't need to remind me of...I'm painfully aware of the fact.**_

_**I didn't even let her finish...I left the meeting. Why can't they understand? I needed to make sure he was all right and nothing untoward occurred. Why does it feel like the whole world, and everyone in it, is against me?**_

_**Allura**_

Running his hand through his hair, Keith pushes the journal aside on his desk. Picking up the baby monitor, he leaves the room and walks down the hallway. Pausing before a door, he knocks gently then enters when bidden.

"Commander..." Coran stands up, "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"

Keith sits down on the chair across from the older man as he returns to his seat before stating, "I read the entry where Allura visited me when I had that accident. I was wondering what you said to her that upset her so bad."

Coran sighs deeply as he settles back into his chair more, "Dr. Gorma had informed me of her late night visit to your room in MedTech. We were both concerned about the damage she could have done to both your reputation and her own."

Nodding, Keith replies, "But what happened?"

Sighing, Coran remembers back to that not so long ago day:

_Anger surged through his system as he left his office and Dr. Gorma behind. "Foolish, headstrong girl..." he muttered to himself as he walked toward the dining room and found the Princess of Arus about to enter it._

_Gripping her arm tightly within his hand, he pulled her along, "I need to speak to you now!"_

"_Coran!" She jerked on her arm, "Release me this moment!"_

_Ignoring her, Coran pulled her into the nearest room, only releasing her to turn around to close the door. Glaring at her and unable to contain his anger, he spat out, "Princess Allura, what were you thinking visiting Commander Keith in his room last night?"_

_He watched her struggle with her emotions for a moment before her face became neutral as she replied, "I only wanted to make sure he was alright. Nothing happened..."_

"_That isn't the point!" Coran interrupted her, "He is a married man...you a single woman. You had no business being in his room in MedTech last night!"_

_As Allura turned away from him, Coran's anger exploded. Grabbing her arm, he yelled at her, "Princess! What would have happened if a nurse or someone else had seen you? The rumors that would have gone around the castle would have been devastating and the only thing to stop it would be making the Commander transfer off of Arus!"_

_At the hurt look on her face, Coran relented, "Please Princess, stay away from the Commander." She mutely nodded in response before she pulled away from him and walked out of the room._

"I had to be curt with her...she could have done so much damage." Coran sighs deeply as he looks back at Keith. "I didn't mean to hurt her, but I couldn't permit her to damage her reputation or yours."

Nodding, Keith rises and starts for the door. He pauses a moment then states, "Thanks Coran, I needed to know what happened."

Leaving the room, Keith walks down the hall toward his bedroom. Entering it, he turns off the baby monitor as he checks on Lila then starts taking off his clothes. Walking over to his dresser, Keith pulls out a set of pajama and pulls them on before moving over to his bed.

Lying down, he turns off the bedside light and stares up at the ceiling while thinking over the last few entries he read. Overwhelmed by all the thoughts going through his head, Keith turns over and pushes his head into the pillow. Closing his eyes, he forces his mind to clear and tries to fall asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

Thanks for the reviews Harm and Charigul…much appreciated. Enjoy the next chapter all…

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters…mores the pity.

Chapter 13: "It's a nice day for a picnic, a game of poker, and more revelations."

The next day, Keith walks into the dining room to meet everyone for breakfast. The room seems quiet, except for occasional small talk amongst the occupants. "Morning,"

"Morning Capt." Hunk answers, evading his eyes.

"Hey Keith." Lance replies next.

Raising an eyebrow at the dullness around him, he begins his inquiry, "What's wrong?"

Romelle shrugs, "Well, I guess we're all feeling a bit…I don't know…overwhelmed and underpowered. I guess not having Allura around is kind of getting to us."

Nodding in agreement, Keith adds in, "I know the feeling." He sits down. "I'm trying guys, just bear with me."

"Oh we know Cap!" Pidge offers, "It's just that today… Well, you know how Princess always liked going out for picnics and today is one of those perfect days she would have loved."

"Yeah, we were just talking about that before you came in." Hunk interjects.

"I remember," Keith frowns. Then, a thought occurs to him, "I doubt Gorma would allow us to take her out for too long, so a picnic would be hard to do, but we could take her to the palace gardens for a little bit."

Romelle smiles registering Keith's thought, "Yes, a bit of sun might do her some good. I'll get her ready and you guys meet me there. I'll bring her out." Marveled by the thought, she stands and quickly walks out of the room.

"What are you thinking?" Sven asks.

"Well, I thought all of us spending some time with her will do us some good, as well as her." Keith states while picking up a piece of toast from the center of the table. "Let's have breakfast quick. We can all spend time with her this morning together. It might help her."

* * *

The morning is breezy and the light of the sun shines against the dark green leaves of the flowers around the perimeter and the light green grass of the palace garden. Keith asked the team to conduct any activity that could include Allura in some way. Lance suggested playing poker.

Romelle wheels her in as the Pidge lays a blanket under one of the large oaks. Romelle dressed her in a green halter-top sundress. Nanny insisted on pulling her hair up but when she had finally left, Romelle let the long tresses down. She knew Allura preferred her hair loose whenever possible.

She put some make up on her as well. A light blush around her cheeks, pink gloss around her lips and a little mascara elongated her lashes. _'As beautiful as always…' _Keith thinks to himself. Although he doesn't smile as he sees how cold and distant her stare is.

"Alright Romelle," Lance begins, "Let's sit her up by the oak. The tree can support her back." Lance picks her up and carries her toward the tree.

"What is it that we're supposed to do?" Hunk seems puzzled as he scratches his head.

"Just play cards like you guys would ordinarily do." Keith answers, "Maybe listening to all of your voices will help her in some way."

Nodding, Hunk takes a seat on the blanket by Pidge and Thomas. Lance sits next to Allura on her right side and Romelle to her left. Allura looks ahead blindly; unaware of what is happening around her. Pidge frowns desperately, but Lance interrupts him, "Don't let it get to you Pidge. All right, poker time, I'll play for our lovely princess. Keith, you in?"

Shaking his head, Keith objects, "No, I just want to listen and continue reading." He takes out the journal. "This is all about you guys."

"I thought you'd bring Lila," Sven then speaks.

"I left her with Nanny. She wanted to spend some time with her too." Keith replies, sitting across from them under another large tree not too far away. "Go ahead. Call me if you see any reaction from her. I don't care if it's a hiss, a gasp, a twitch…anything. Let me know."

Nodding in agreement, the rest begin to play.

The first two hands are a bit awkward, but little by little, Keith notices they all eliminated any pre-conceived ideas and dove in. They begin speaking to Allura as if she is there, despite her being unresponsive. Lance even wins a few rounds and takes Allura's hand and high fives it with his, calling her an all time pro at poker.

When he sees that they are ok, Keith opens up the journal and begins reading the next entry.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Jocelyn is due in a couple of weeks. I ran into her last night in the kitchen. I couldn't sleep and I went to make myself some tea. She happened to be rummaging through the pantry looking for something to eat. I do say, she was a bit embarrassed when I ran into her. Of course, I told her not to worry about it. She was hungry. Jocelyn told me that she's hungry all the time nowadays. I wouldn't doubt it... Anyways, I made her a sandwich despite her objections, but I was just glad to finally be able to speak to someone else other than Coran or Nanny or even speak to anyone outside of my room in a relaxing way.**_

_**I asked her if she was excited about the upcoming birth and she told me yes, although I saw something in her eyes I couldn't understand. But I didn't want to probe or make her angry with me too by asking her about it. Jocelyn told me that Romelle is planning something called a baby shower. I didn't know what that is and neither did she, but Romelle apparently told her that Sven introduced her to this Terran concept a while back. It's when the mother of the unborn child is 'showered' with gifts for the baby. Jocelyn told me Romelle is planning on doing it in one of her friend's home in the village, but she didn't know if it was going to happen since Keith is adamant about her not being away from the castle for too long.**_

_**I think the idea is lovely, but I also know that Keith will never allow it to take place outside of the castle. He would not want Jocelyn away from the castle without him and from what she told me, this 'shower' is for girls only. I could tell by the tone of her voice how much she wanted the party, not really for the gifts, but to see her friends again. Apparently, it had been a while since she had last seen them.**_

_**I told her that if she wanted, she could have the shower in the palace gardens and that her friends were welcomed to the castle anytime. Those hazel-green eyes beamed with happiness. It made me smile. I felt happy for her. The only thing I asked her was to please not let Keith know that it was I who allowed this to take place here. I didn't want him stop her from having the party on my account.**_

_**She asked me why, and I told her that my relationship with him is a bit complex right now and then asked her is to tell him that Coran approved it. She promised me she would. Tomorrow, I'll speak to Coran about this.**_

_**Allura**_

"All right Allura! We have a full house!" Lance shouts at another glorious victory, while the rest of the team either grumbles or throw their cards down. Keith looks up to watch the commotion. "Read it and weep losers!" Lance calls out as he turns to Allura and gives her a quick hug, "Princess, you and I are a great team."

"You're a cheat McClain!" Thomas remarks while throwing his cards down on the blanket. "I don't know how you do it, but I know somehow you're cheating."

"You are just jealous," Lance protests as he turns to Allura. "What a resentful bastard he is, right Princess?" He jokes while smiling at Thomas with a huge grin.

Keith sighs and turns back to the journal, eyeing the entry once more. Allura knew him so well. _She was right. I probably would have stopped that party if I knew it was her idea to give it at the castle._ He turns the page and begins reading the next entry.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I know it's been a few days. Coran sat me in his office today and basically we had that insufferable discussion about marriage and whom I should choose as a suitor. Again, I retaliated and basically walked out as he kept speaking. When will he realize that I'm not marrying anyone? When will they accept that I will only marry for love and that's out of the question now!**_

_**Anyway, I ran into Romelle in the hallway and she asked me to join them in the gardens. Jocelyn's shower was today. I had Nanny help Romelle out with all the decorations and food. It was a beautiful day…I hope she enjoyed it. I told Romelle that I had some work to do and couldn't make it. I purposely requested the Council to meet with me on this day to discuss some improvements for some of the neighboring villages. I needed a good excuse not to go to the shower. It would be too hard to put on my mask and smile in front of all these women. I couldn't manage that…not today.**_

_**The meeting took place during the shower then I skipped dinner and worked late in my office, hoping not to hear about it. As a matter of fact, I'm still here, writing to you since I'm not ready to go to the loneliness of my room yet. Diary, today was a hard day, I just couldn't handle all those women. Smiling at Jocelyn and congratulating her on the baby…Keith's baby. **_

_**I did however send my gift through Nanny. I hope Jocelyn liked it. I couldn't think of what to give her, but the thought of that baby being half of Keith made my decision for the gift worth it.**_

_**A couple of nights before, I went to my mother and father's chambers and went through my mother's closet. I think Nanny told me once that my mother kept many of my baby belongings in her closet. Anyway, I went there to search for the perfect gift. I know, I could have bought Jocelyn something, but this baby deserves the best I could offer so, why not give something from the heart?**_

_**I finally found the perfect gift! It was my christening blanket. Mother had it specially made from the finest white linen on Arus. It is white with embroidered netting and lined with soft flannel in case the baby gets cold. I was so excited that I went to my room that very night and wrapped it.**_

_**I think Jocelyn will like it. I hope Keith does. Even if he never knows it, I'm prepared to give that baby the best that I can. If this baby is a girl, maybe I'll ask Jocelyn if she'll do me the honor of having the baby wear my christening gown. Do you think she'll approve?**_

_**Allura**_

"The blanket was Allura's blanket." Keith hisses aloud. "I can't believe this." He states as he remembers what he said to her. His mind suddenly travels back to the evening after the shower…

_He knocked on Allura's office door. When she bid "enter," he walked in to find her writing on a book at her desk. She looked up and a smile emerged on her lips without her even realizing it. Soon however, it diminished as she is met with a cold stare._

"_I just wanted to thank you for the gift you gave Jocelyn. It is…it is a beautiful gift." Keith acknowledged a bit uneasily._

"_It's nothing. Actually, I got it..." She started until he interrupted her._

"_Look Allura…I need to say this." He came a bit closer, "I don't want you to think for a moment that this gift changes anything. I need you to understand that you…you just can't buy my friendship. You can't use your influence to win me over. It's not going to work."_

"_I…no…I never even thought..." Allura didn't finish. Her voice cracked and her eyes shone over bright. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a moment; when she opened them again a small smile slid across her lips. "Keith," Allura began. "I had no intention to make you think something like that. Please realize that I am very aware that I cannot buy you. That gift is for your child and Jocelyn. You have nothing to do with it." _

_He stiffened. It was as if her personality had changed in a matter of seconds. She closed her book and stood up. Walking over to the door, she opened it. "Now if you have nothing else that's bothering you, I do have a couple of things to finish before bedtime. Good night Commander."_

_Keith nodded sharply and walked out of the office._

Shaking his head, he can't believe what he now saw looking back. All this time, Allura's mask was evident. He turns the page and sees another short entry.

_**Lord, please help me live through this pain that sucks the life out of me each day.**_

Wondering if Romelle knows anything of this, he calls out to her, "Romelle!"

The young woman turns and looks across at him, "Yes?"

"Come here for a second."

She turns to face the others, "I'm out anyways," and puts her cards down. Romelle stands and walks over to Keith. Sitting down next to him, she faces him, "I bet you are wondering about something she wrote."

"Yeah, you could say that." He didn't deny it, "Do you remember when you threw Jocelyn that baby shower? Remember Allura's gift?"

Nodding and widening her eyes, she replies with a suppressed undertone, "Oh yes…I remember."

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Well, I spoke to Allura about it afterward and that's only because I found out by accident. But apparently she gave Lila her christening blanket. The one she used when she was a baby. It is a family heirloom."

"Yes, I just read about it." Keith puts in. "What do you mean you found out by accident?"

"Well," Romelle begins. "The next morning, after the party, I went to pick up Allura at her room. I didn't get to see much of her the day before and I wanted to spend some time with her before Sven and I returned to Pollux. Well, when I got to her chambers I could hear Nanny's screams through the door."

"Screams?" Keith questions with a confused look on his face. "Why?"

"Apparently Nanny didn't know Allura had given Jocelyn her christening blanket. You know how Nanny is…she will rant and scream for anything." Romelle laughs a bit. "Anyway, I heard Allura tell her she would decide what to do with her belongings. Nanny stormed out and when I came in, I could see Allura was clearly angry. She told me about the blanket and how she wanted to give both of you something from the heart rather than something superficial."

"She did." Keith acknowledges.

"You know how sentimental Allura can be." Romelle adds, "I had my suspicions that she had feelings for you, so I probed her a bit and asked her if she couldn't have given both of you something different. After all, wouldn't she have wanted that blanket for her own child someday when she had one? Do you know what she told me?

"What?"

"She told me that in a way, Jocelyn's baby was her baby. She decided that she would take care of this child anyway she could." Romelle sighs, "It was then I knew that she wanted to be part of this child's life because you yourself were part the child."

"I was such an asshole to her." Keith shakes his head regretfully.

"We can't keep blaming ourselves. I could say that I should have been more proactive and spoken to her. Maybe if I would have helped her vent instead of keeping quiet and ignoring the situation around me… " Romelle takes his hand, "The point is Keith. It's not about what we should or should not have done or said. It's about helping her out now. Letting her know we are here for her."

Nodding in understanding, Keith looks into her eyes, "I know Romelle. Thanks for telling me."

"Hey you two!" Sven breaks in. "I think it's time to bring Allura in. Gorma mentioned that she shouldn't be out for too long."

"Come on, we better bring her in." Romelle stands up. "I'll get her wheelchair." She tells him before she walks off.

Keith stands and walks over to Allura, "I'll take her in. Guys, thanks for spending some time with her."

Thomas remarks, "Anytime Cap. The Princess has grown on me too. I do hope she finds her way back to us."

Romelle brings in the chair and Keith scoops her up into his arms and gently places her in it. "I'll take her to MedTech. How about you guys go back to work and we'll meet for lunch later?"

"I'll see you there!" Hunk immediately responds before leaving the garden.

Noticing that Keith wants to spend a few moments with Allura alone before taking her in, Sven takes Romelle's hand and orders the group, "Well, we'll see each other for lunch. Thomas, you have to report to control now for your shift right?"

At the question Thomas nods, "Yeah…"

"Perfect! Then walk with us, Romelle and I need to check on Pollux, you can connect our transmission."

The rest of the group catches Sven signals and immediately begin to leave the gardens. "See you later Cap." Lance offers before leaving.

Soon only Keith and Allura are in the garden. He kneels in front of the wheelchair and faces her, "Princess…thank you so much for everything and I mean everything you have done for Jocelyn and me. I need you to know that Allura. I need you to know how special you are and…what a fool I have been for treating you the way I have."

Sighing he continues, "I don't know what you see in me, but I promise you, if you wake up from this…if you come back to me…you will see a true friend."


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry for the delay, traveling this week slowed everything down. Enjoy the next chapter all…

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

Chapter 14: A Mother in Secret

Sitting in his office, Dr. Gorma sighs as he reads over the latest report on the Princess of Arus. Setting down his data-pad, he stares absently at a wall for a moment before turning his gaze back to a side drawer on his desk. Opening the drawer, the doctor pulls out a long white envelope then stands up and walks out of the room.

Moving down the hall, he pauses before the observation window to Allura's room and gazes inside. His eyes move from the prone figure on the bed to the man sitting on a chair beside it, reading from a book. Taking a deep breath, he whispers, "It's now or never..." and moves to the door.

Keith looks over as the door to Allura's room opens and smiles at Dr. Gorma in greeting as he walks into the room. The doctor smiles back briefly before glancing at the bed for a moment. Keith looks to the bed as well, listens to Dr. Gorma sigh deeply before he hears him say, "Commander..."

Looking back at the older man, Keith watches him struggle visibly for a moment before he starts, "I made a promise...one I had hoped I wouldn't have to deliver on and have struggled with since I made it."

Not understanding, Keith stares at the doctor closely before he hears him say, "Jocelyn...she knew there was a good chance that she might not live through delivering your child."

At the shocked look on Keith's face, Dr. Gorma glances away, unable to look the hurting man before him in the face as he continues, "She knew the risk was high when we discovered her condition shortly after she became pregnant but would not hear of aborting your child to save her own life."

He finally moves his gaze back to Keith's, "I begged her to tell you of it...but she wouldn't hear of it. She knew that you would be torn between wanting to save her by aborting the child and the thought that killing your child would be the only way to save your wife." His eyes plead with him, "I could not tell you, she forbid me and I was bound by my oaths as a doctor."

Dr. Gorma watches as Keith turns his gaze away from him, tears streaming down his cheeks. Fingering the envelope in his hand, the doctor starts again, "When she was eight months along, Jocelyn came to one of our appointments with this envelope in her hand."

Keith turns back to the doctor, his eyes moving to the envelope he hadn't noticed earlier as he listens to him say, "She made me promise. If she were to die, to give you this a month after..." Unable to say anything more, Dr. Gorma hands Keith the envelope then turns around and walks out of the room.

Looking over the envelope, Keith recognizes Jocelyn's handwriting on the front, 'For Keith in the event of my death.' Turning it over, he carefully opens it, pulls out a sheet of white paper and begins to read:

_My beloved Keith..._

_If you are reading this, the worst has happened and I died giving birth to our child. Please do not be angry with me for not telling you of my condition. You were so happy about the baby, kissing my stomach and speaking to it, that I could not bear the thought of ruining it for you with worrying about me._

_Do not blame yourself for my death. I would not have aborted our child to save my own life...not even if you would have begged me to do it. I love you so much that I could not have done anything to destroy that love and I knew killing our child would have damaged it. Not that I thought you would stop loving me. I know you love me as much as I love you, but to kill our baby...it would have ate away at us, festering like a wound. I know you will raise our child well, showing him or her all the love you showered on me during our brief marriage._

_There is something I need you to do for me, my love. But first, I need to tell you something. I know Princess Allura loves you deeply. I saw it on her face for the first time about a week before our wedding. We were together in the rec room with the others and Lance had made some comment. You had smiled at him then turned to me and kissed me. _

_My eyes, for some reason had moved to the chair across from us, the chair that the princess was sitting in. When you kissed me, I saw such pain and despair in her eyes before she masked it and smiled at us. I knew then...that she must love you._

_I was torn. I knew how much she had lost during the invasions. I still had most of my family, my father seeing us to the caves before the Doom soldiers had destroyed everything, but Princess Allura had lost everything, her family and friends and was the only one left of the royal family. On top of her losses, she had an entire planet to take care of, to try to save from Doom. _

_I once thought how very strong she must be. To endure all those losses yet stand strong and fight for us. The thought that I was denying her the man she loved, the one thing she must have wanted for herself...Keith, do not be angry with me, but I seriously considered canceling our wedding and walking away from our love. But I couldn't, I am weak where she is strong. The thought of losing your love was more than I could bear._

_I also knew of your fight with her the night before our wedding, having heard a part of it through your closed study door, and how you were no longer her friend. Through the course of our marriage, I would see her sadness when she looked at you and thought no one was watching her. When we announced my pregnancy to everyone, I was looking at her and saw the tears in her eyes before she turned away and left the room, unable to congratulate us when she was hurting so badly._

_I was living the life with you that she so desperately wanted. My love, this is what I need you to do for me...if you can find it in your heart to love her, please do so. Our life together is over and I do not wish you to live the remainder of your life alone without someone to love and I know she loves you, probably more than I even do._

_Please Keith, I need you to be happy. Raise our child, love freely and remember that no matter what, I will always love you._

_Jocelyn_

Keith wipes the tears away from his eyes as he finishes the letter. His eyes move to Allura for a moment before standing up and leaving the room.

____________

Waking up with mixed emotions, Keith pushes himself out of bed. Before walking toward the shower, he stops to see Lila, who sleeps peacefully in her crib. Watching his beautiful daughter sleep, her little mouth slightly opened, perfect little eyelids with her long lashes sealed shut...he smiles as tears slide down his cheeks.

Last night his emotions battled a civil war. Sadness, regret, and guilt still hovered around him this morning. _My Lila,_ he thinks to himself. _My beautiful little girl...what I have left of Jocelyn._ Reading her letter last night had been harder than he thought it would be. It had opened new wounds, wounds that Jocelyn, in a way, created.

Last night he hated her. He hated her for not telling him, for not confiding in him something so important. Keith hated her for leaving him, for what now felt like abandonment. He hated her for the feelings of loneliness and loss that kept him from breathing. Yet, he loved her.

As he closes his eyes, Keith still sees her smile, still hears her laugh, and still smells her scent. He loved her for how he felt whenever he was with her. He loved for her strength, her sweetness, her passion for life. Now, Keith misses her; he misses her so much that he feels empty without her. The only reason for waking up in the morning is this little one that he now watches sleeping.

Taking a deep breath, Keith heads to the bathroom and showers. After about ten minutes, he hears the baby cry; he immediately finishes, and dries off. Covering himself with a towel, he walks out of the bathroom to pick up his Lila.

"Hey, munchkin." he whispers gently as he cradles her to his chest. "You must be starved. How about giving Daddy a minute so he can get dressed, huh?"

The baby continues crying and Keith walks around trying to calm her down. After a couple of minutes, he is about to call Nanny to see if she could bring Lila some milk when he hears a knock on his door. Walking with the crying baby, he opens it without bothering to ask who it is. Looking up, he finds Lance holding up a baby bottle to him, "Thought you might need this."

Reaching for the bottle, Keith nods his thanks as he tries to take it, but Lance quickly stops him, "How about you give me the baby and I feed her while you get dressed."

"Thanks," Keith simply replies as he hands the baby over to his best friend. Lance smiles as he cradles Lila into his arm. With his other hand, he takes the bottle and begins to feed her as he sits down on one of the chairs in the room. "Come on little one. Keith, this child eats like Hunk!"

Keith laughs from the bathroom as he dresses. After a few minutes, he comes out fully dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, hair combed and his face shaved. "Did she finish?"

"Finish...I'm telling you, she eats like Hunk! She almost swallowed the damn bottle!"

"Let me burp her." Keith replies, taking Lila away from Lance.

Keith walks around with his baby in his arms as Lance curiously watches him, "We missed you last night."

"I had a lot of things to think about last night." he replies not looking at him. Within seconds, Keith hears his daughter burp. "After I saw Allura, I picked up Lila from Sven and Romelle's room then came back here."

Lance pauses and thinks a bit before continuing his inquiries, the last thing he wants is to set off Keith, but he needs to know if his friend is all right. "Want to talk about it?"

Sighing as he feels Lila begin to fall asleep again, Keith turns to look at his friend. "Dr. Gorma gave me a letter last night." he pauses for a bit before continuing, "It was from Jocelyn. She instructed Gorma to give it to me in the event of her death."

"What!" Lance exclaims in total shock.

"Shh! You'll wake up Lila!"

Noticing that Lila is now fast asleep again, Keith walks over to the crib and lays her down. Carefully, he places the baby pillow around her before he turns to face Lance.

"She also instructed him to give me the letter one month after her death. This is unbelievable!" Keith almost raises his voice, but immediately remembers that the last thing he needs is Lila crying again.

"You're telling me..." Lance replies, "What did the letter say?"

Sighing, Keith takes a seat on his bed. "She knew that there was a probability she could die. She also wrote that she would have never aborted Lila, even if it cost her own life."

Lance breaths hard, shaking his head in disbelief, "I...I can't believe this."

"There's more."

"More?"

Nodding Keith continues, "Jocelyn knew that Allura loved me. She apparently always knew."

"Jesus!" Lance cries out in shock. "Incredible...Jocelyn was one smart lady."

Keith raises his eyebrow, "Smart? Lance, if she was alive, I'd kill her right now."

"Captain, did you just make a joke?" Lance half smiles.

Keith looks at Lance a bit shocked. "I...I don't know." he finishes half smiling. "I mean, I have so many things running through my head right now."

"Like what?"

"Well, Jocelyn told me that if I found a place in my heart to love Allura...to do so."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Lance utters in a half whisper. "Can you love her?"

"Lance, how can you ask me that?" Keith flusters.

Lance leans forward on the chair, "Keith, I know it's not an easy question to answer, but let me be frank with you. Before Jocelyn, didn't you ever wonder what it would be like if Allura and you…" he left his statement unfinished hoping that Keith would realize where it was leading.

"I…"

"Be honest Keith."

Sighing, he answers him, "Maybe…once…but that was a long time ago. Nanny and Coran made sure _we all_ knew that the Princess of Arus was unattainable to us. Besides, she was a Princess...what the hell could I offer her? I never allowed myself those thoughts of Allura and I being together to remain in my head. I couldn't."

"What if Allura would have told you how she felt? Would you have allowed yourself those thoughts?"

"I…guess…I don't know. This is so damn confusing!"

Confusion fills Lance himself, _'This whole situation is too damn confusing.' _his eyes drift to the crib where Lila sleeps and suddenly he smiles, "Keith, do you know that Allura went to see Lila the night she was born?"

Shock fills Keith's eyes, "No…I didn't know."

"I don't think she wanted anyone to know. She went pretty late at night, when things had, in a way, cooled down."

Nodding, Keith understood. "It was a very bittersweet night to say the least."

"Yeah..." Lance answers. "The thing is...I caught Allura by accident. When I walked into the room, she was sitting in a rocker, humming a lullaby to the baby. I asked her what she was doing there and she told me that she wanted to make sure Lila was all right." He laughs a bit before he continues, "She said she needed the baby to feel safe amidst all the chaos that surrounded that night."

"She went to visit my daughter?" Keith asks with emotion leaking into his words.

"We were all shocked and heartbroken that night. You…well…you know. I guess, in a way, we left Lila to the side when we knew she was all right." Lance sits back. "I thought about Allura's words later. She must have identified with Lila. After all, she had lost both her parents when she was young. Maybe a part of her needed to let the baby know that she wasn't alone."

"I…I never knew. Allura hid so many things."

"You both did the same thing."

"What?!" Keith replies in shock.

"Keith, you dismissed your feelings because you thought that Allura couldn't love you because she was above you socially. Allura hid her feelings, because she was too afraid to tell you how she felt. Either way, you need to think about today. Jocelyn just gave you permission to love again. Give yourself a chance to see if those feelings can one day resurface." Lance stands up, "If not for you…then…for Lila. She'll need a mother too." He finishes as he takes his leave.

Keith runs his hands through his wet hair, still pondering over Lance's last words. Turning to his nightstand, he sees the journal and picks it up. _'Maybe she wrote about that night too.'_ He thinks as he begins to skim through the pages of the journal, hoping to find an entry regarding Lila's birth. His heart skips a beat when he finally finds it.

About to begin to read, he hears the baby stir and worries she's about to start crying again, _'Come on sweetheart, go back to sleep.'_ He thinks to himself hoping that Lila stops. Within seconds, he stops hearing the moving and stands up to check on her. Sighing quietly when he finds she has fallen fast asleep, Keith walks back to the chair that Lance occupied moments before and begins to read.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I don't know how to begin today's thoughts. Keith lost his wife today as she gave birth to their daughter… I guess that's the first thing I should say. **_

_**When I found out that Jocelyn was taken to MedTech… I stayed as far away as I could. Nanny told me that the entire group was in the waiting room. I didn't know if I would be welcomed, so I stayed in my room and asked one of the maids to inform me when the baby arrived. I don't know what happened… but with all the excitement she must have heard the first part of the news and ran to tell me that the baby was born. Once again, I put my diplomatic mask in place and headed to MedTech with the intention of a quick congratulation to Keith and Jocelyn and just as quickly…an exit.**_

_**It didn't happen that way. When I arrived, I saw every emotion possible except happiness. Everyone was crying and no one could tell me what was going on. Sven was the only one who told me something had gone wrong. I was so confused, until I saw Keith enter the room. He was so pale...it seemed that he was forcing himself to breathe. He was shaking and when they asked him questions, he found no words to reply to anyone. **_

_**He looked at me briefly, and by the way he looked at me, I knew. I wanted to say something…I wanted to tell him I was sorry…I wanted to hold him…comfort him…tell him that I was here for him…but nothing came out. Then, he looked away and Lance and Sven took him out of the room. Dr. Gorma came out a few minutes later and officially gave us the news. I heard Romelle sigh in relief when the doctor said that the baby was fine.**_

_**No one really noticed that I left, well, maybe Romelle, but she was distraught herself. She and Jocelyn were getting close. She too was in pain.**_

_**As I headed back to my room, I thought about the baby. She will grow up without a mother. It will be one of the hardest things she will face as she grows up. Not having a mother is hard…I know...not even having the chance to meet her will be harder. This poor child! She isn't going to know what a beautiful mother she had, how loving and nurturing she was or how much she would love her. Jocelyn would have loved her. The way she loved Keith, I could only imagine that the love for her child would be endless.**_

_**I tried to find out how Keith was doing. I heard that he threw a raging fit when Lance and Sven took him to his room. When he finally calmed down, Lance slipped a sedative in a drink they gave him and he passed out. I heard the others went back to their rooms, too tired and too distraught to do anything else. Thank God, Lotor stayed away from us tonight.**_

_**I couldn't sleep…surprise. I thought about the baby. No one had even mentioned her, other than the fact that she was fine and staying at MedTech for the night. So when I knew everyone was asleep, I went to see her.**_

_**Diary, she's the most precious little thing in the world! Her eyes and eyelashes, those are definitely her father's, her nose and mouth, their Jocelyn's, no doubt about it. I looked at her as she lay awake in her crib. The nurse asked me if I wanted to feed her, I didn't know how, but she taught me, and then…after I was done…I rocked her to sleep. It was…a very beautiful experience. I even sang for her the lullaby my mother sang to me before I would fall asleep as a child. I was having a wonderful time…I hadn't felt this kind of happiness…well…in a long while, but then Lance caught me. I guess he came in to check on her as well. I was afraid at first, but he told me that it was ok. That's when he told me about Keith.**_

_**When he left, my thoughts went back to Keith. I don't think he'll ever forgive me for what I said to him, but I can't deny that I love him and this time…this time I need to save him for a change. I need to save him so he's able to take care of this precious gift Jocelyn left him. **_

_**I need to talk to him, to tell him that I can offer him….comfort. If that's all I can offer him, then…I guess that's better than nothing, right?**_

_**Maybe this is a chance to get us back to where we were before, right now…I'd settle for anything as long as he would just look at me the way he did before.**_

_**Allura**_

Keith closes the journal, as he reflects on the words he had just read, "_I'd settle for anything as long as he would just look at me the way he did before." 'How could I not see how I was hurting her?'_ he thinks to himself.

At that moment, the baby begins to cry. Keith closes the book, lays it on the chair and walks over to his daughter. As he holds her close to him, a sudden thought strikes him, _Allura connected with Lila...would she respond to her crying?_

Deciding to take a chance, Keith picks up a blanket to throw over his daughter then leaves the room. Walking quickly to MedTech as Lila continues to whimper in his arms, Keith reaches Allura's room and enters it. His eyes study Allura as he walks toward her, '_Unchanged...'_ He looks at the machines hooked up to her, keeping track of her heart rate and blood pressure, noting the steady readings. As Lila starts crying in earnest he thinks, '_Let's do it...'_

Removing the blanket, Keith lays Lila down on Allura's chest just as the door to the room opens. Turning his head, he spots Romelle then turns back to make sure Lila is stable before stepping back.

"Keith, what are you doing?"

Keith holds a finger to his lips as he walks back to her. He watches as Lila continues to fuss and cry on Allura's chest then glances sideways as Romelle asks, "Are you just going to let her cry?"

"Yes...Allura came to see Lila the night she was born. She fed her and rocked her to sleep while singing her a lullaby. If she can hear the baby crying, I'm hoping her motherly instincts kick in and she will come out of that fantasy world to take care of her."

"Oh!" Romelle watches excitedly as the baby moves on Allura's chest, her crying continuing.

The door to the room opens again and both turn as Dr. Gorma enters, "What's going on here?" Keith holds a finger to his lips and points to the bed. The doctor nods and moves to watch the monitors.

Keith continues to watch as Lila lifts her head briefly as if looking at Allura then to his amazement, she begins to quiet down. Romelle's voice interrupts the quiet, "She recognizes Allura..."

Nodding, he watches as his daughter relaxes on Allura's chest, her little fingers grasping the hospital gown. Moving his gaze to Allura's face, Keith curses quietly when he doesn't see any change.

"Don't be so discouraged..."

Turning to look at Dr. Gorma, Keith watches as he turns away from the monitors back face them, "She might not have visibly responded, but Princess Allura's heart rate increased...so did her blood pressure."

"So she heard her..." Keith whispers as he steps over.

"Yes, I daresay she did." Dr. Gorma interjects.

Romelle walks over to the bed as well, "If Lila would have kept crying..."

Dr. Gorma shakes his head, "I do not want to try to guess if she would have eventually responded." He smiles at the other two then leaves the room.

Keith eyes move over his daughter lying peacefully on Allura's chest. Moving his hand, he gently touches the baby's cheek. As Lila raises her head to look at him and makes a cooing sound, Keith bends down to kiss her.

"Are you going to try again Keith?" Romelle asks.

Rising, Keith looks down on the pair in the bed before turning to Romelle, "I don't know if it will work...just being near Allura calmed Lila down." He glances back at the bed, "I'm guessing that Allura snuck in to see Lila more than once that she is responding to her like that."

"I would guess you are right..." Romelle replies as she sits down next to Allura. Keith watches as her hand drifts over her cousin's cheek then down to caress Lila's head.

Picking up Lila's blanket, he puts it over both the baby and Allura then glances at Romelle, "Are you going to stay for a while?"

She nods at him in reply. He then asks, "Mind keeping an eye on my daughter while I run for some breakfast?"

Romelle smiles up at him. "Go...eat with the guys and enjoy yourselves. I'll stay until you return."

"Thanks Romelle..." Keith replies then after glancing at the bed one more time, he leaves the room.


	15. Chapter 15

Enjoy the next chapter all…

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

Chapter 15: Regrettable Past

Walking into the dining room minutes later, Keith is surprised to find it empty but for Nanny. He glances at the clock on the wall then asks, "Am I that early?"

The governess smiles at him, "Perhaps a bit... Give me a moment Commander and I will get some coffee in here for you."

Keith thanks her and takes his usual seat as the older woman disappears through the door that divides the dining room from the kitchen. She returns moments later with a carafe and places it before him. Keith smiles his thanks but before she leaves, he asks, "Nanny, did Allura visit Lila? "

Taken aback by the question, Keith watches as Nanny fidgets momentarily, looking highly uncomfortable. He smiles up at her, "It's alright Nanny...I'm not going to get angry if she did."

A look of relief crosses the old governess' features before she quietly responds, "Everyday..."

That answer does shock Keith slightly as he mumbles, "When?"

"In the mornings...while you practiced with the team." Nanny sighs deeply before sitting down beside him, "Please understand Commander, while I didn't know what was wrong between you and the princess, I did know that she was deeply hurt by it. It was to the point that the only time I saw a smile on her face was when she was holding the little bairn." Her hand reaches out to touch Keith's arm, "I couldn't deny her that small happiness when I knew she was so miserable."

Keith pats her hand as he looks away. Nanny rises and moves toward the kitchen door but stops to turn back to him, "If it is any consolation...your daughter loves her. She would always stop fussing the minute Princess picked her up. I would watch them as Allura held her close and rocked her to sleep while singing her a lullaby."

He smiles at her while Nanny disappears into the kitchen. Keith sighs while thinking, _That answers that question..._ His gaze moves to the door as Hunk, Pidge and Thomas walk in for breakfast.

As everyone is eating their breakfast and having light discussions amongst themselves, Keith's comm. begins to beep. "Kogane, here."

Dr. Smith's voice seems nervous and distraught, "I need you in MedTech now, it's Allura!"

Abruptly, he drops everything and runs out. Having heard the doctor's voice on the comm., the others drop what they are eating and run behind him.

Pushing the doors of MedTech wide open, Keith runs to the room the Princess is in, only to see two nurses holding her down as she screams. Dr. Gorma is preparing an injection as Dr. Smith tries to talk her down.

"Allura…calm down!" Smith cries desperately. Allura in turn won't listen, her screaming becoming louder as she struggles against the nurses even harder.

"What's going on? Is she awake?" Keith shouts amidst her screams.

Smith shakes her head. "No, she's in some sort of nightmare. We need to calm her down. I don't want to sedate her like this!"

Struggling to reach her between the nurses who are holding her, Keith calls out, "Allura, listen to me. It's me."

"Keith!" she yells. For a moment he thinks she's awakened, but soon sees that her eyes tell another story. Whatever is going on in her head deals with him, but in an alternate reality. "Don't leave me! Please..." She continues yelling. "I'm sorry…don't… Don't leave me!" she cries hysterically.

Desperate, he tries something. Lying down beside her, Keith puts his mouth against her ear and whispers continuously to her, "I'm here Allura. I'm not leaving you. I'm here." He continues chanting the words as he feels her calm down. Once she's calm, he looks at her. Her face is wet with tears, her eyes red from crying, and her face is flushed as she looks at nothing. "I'm so sorry…" she whispers as her voice trails off. He looks to the side to see that Gorma had taken the opportunity to sedate Allura while he spoke to her. Her eyes soon close and she's back to the oblivion she had made home just days before.

"What happened?" Romelle finally walks up to the bed, her own tears threatening to fall. "Is she ok?"

Smith moves to Romelle, "She's…fine. I think she might have relived the events that put her here. I'm just speculating however."

Dr. Gorma then comes up to the group. "I've given her a sedative. It will hopefully keep her asleep for a while."

"Should we expect more of these episodes?" Pidge asks looking over at her.

Gorma and Smith look at each other, "We may expect them more frequently yes." Gorma begins.

"It all depends on how deep in her subconscious she may be. To her that world is as real as the one we live." Smith finishes. "I'm afraid that the longer she stays there, the harder it will be to pull her out."

"Come on," Dr. Gorma begins pulling the group out of the room. "Let her rest for a bit and you can visit with her later." He turns to the Commander, "Keith…"

"I'm staying here with her." He objects, not bothering to look at them.

About to argue, Gorma stops when Dr. Smith gently grabs his hand and nods the ok for him to stay. The group begins to clear until it is only Keith and Allura alone.

About an hour later, he sits on his chair, just looking at her and thinking what could he possibly do to help her. "God, what do I do?" he silently questions himself, when his thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a light knock on the door.

He turns to find Lance walking in with the journal in his hand. "Thought you might want to spend some time on this since you decided to stay." He speculates as he hands him the book.

"Thanks."

"The group is going to go over some of the battle videos for practice before lunch."

"Sure, good idea." Keith answers, "Wait…"

"Romelle has Lila, don't worry."

Nodding, Keith smiles a little. "Thanks." He cannot help but to feel guilt as once again Lila is in someone else's arms rather than his. But he knows right now, Allura needs him more. In his mind, he tries to rationalize that Lila could not be in better hands, but his heart aches for his daughter. He sighs in desperation as he looks at his best friend.

"Allura's scaring the hell out of me." Keith finally tells him. "I'm scared and angry at the same time."

"I know." Lance continues, "She's scaring all of us. But, we have to remember, she must be more scared than us right now."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm no psychologist Keith, but, I think she's scared to come back. What is there waiting here for her besides more pain?" Lance shrugs. "She believes that there is no one here she can count on." He finishes.

Keith sighs heavily, "This shouldn't have happened. She shouldn't have been put through this." As he adds mentally, _I shouldn't be put through this!_

Lance nods in agreement. "Well, take a break and have lunch with us later."

"Sure." he answers as Lance takes his leave.

Soon, Keith begins to scan the entries looking for something, anything that might help him. Frustrated, when he sees nothing, he tilts his head back on his chair, resting his head against the headrest. Moments later he closes his eyes and soon begins to fall asleep.

_It was hot and stifling around him. He felt like he couldn't breathe and began to undo the top button of the suit he wore. There was no wind at all, which was very unlike Arus' weather. Even the trees around him gave him no solace, no protection from the hot rays that hit his face. _

_The bright sun prevented Keith from seeing anything around him. Holding Lila with one arm, he uses his other to take out his sunglasses from his pocket. He quickly puts them on and takes a deep breath as he looks at his surroundings. Everyone is gathered around him and Lila as the bishop gives his last blessings to the coffin in front of him. He looks around again surprised. Why am I here…again? He wonders to himself as he notices the people around him crying. _

_He turns to his left and sees Jocelyn's father, unable to stop his tears from falling from his eyes. Holding Lila tighter, he suddenly watches Sven, Lance, Hunk, and Pidge surround the coffin and lift it as the bishop tells everyone to accompany them to the Memorial Park to lay Jocelyn to rest._

"_Wait, no!" Keith cries out, but no one hears him. He calls out to everyone again, yet they ignore him. "Why won't anyone pay any attention to me? This is wrong! This…this can't happen again!" His heart pumps faster as he runs to his friends. Then, he suddenly feels no extra weight on him and realizes that he isn't holding Lila in his arms anymore. Shocked he stops and looks around. In an instant, he is in the cemetery. "Lila!" he screams now, scared, "I can't lose her! I won't lose my daughter! Not her!"_

_He suddenly turns to see Allura. Dressed in a black dress, tears streaming down her face, she carries Lila as she watches the coffin being lowered into the ground. Keith watches how she holds Lila, tightly, as if protecting her then kisses the top of his daughter's head. "Allura?" He says as he walks toward her. "Allura, answer me." He continues, but she doesn't answer, she just keeps looking forward. _

_He continues looking at Allura, her sadness penetrating him as well. He notices how Lila snuggles into her comfortably. Then Keith sees Allura's lips move. He can't hear her, but he reads her lips, mouthing, "Goodbye" and he could swear she looks as if she is speaking to someone._

_Suddenly, Keith's eyes shift, following Allura's gaze and his heart starts beating faster when his eyes open to see the person standing next to the coffin._

"_Jocelyn?" he gasps. _

_The auburn haired woman smiles at him. Her waist length, curly hair and the long, white dress she is wearing flows as if there is wind around her, but Keith feels none. Her hazel eyes shine brightly. 'She looks beautiful.' __Keith thinks to himself as he gazes at his former wife. Jocelyn smiles at him and mouths "Save her" before lifting her hand and blowing a kiss to him. _

Her smile is the last thing he sees before Keith bolts upright in his chair and finds himself in MedTech, still sitting beside Allura's bed. Allura looks as if she hasn't felt or heard him. She keeps looking forward, lost in her own world.

"What in the world?" Keith states out loud as he runs both hands over his face.

"What in the world what, Commander?" the nurse asks as she walks in to the room. "Is something wrong with the princess?" She adds as she rushes to the bedside.

"No…she's ok, Monica. She's….the same." He reluctantly answers.

"Oh," Monica seems disappointed.

She continues checking the Princess for a couple of minutes as Keith watches. Then, she writes a couple of notes on her chart. "Nothing…you're right Commander, she's still the same."

Keith holds back the tears he fears are about to come down. He re-lived Jocelyn's funeral again, and now he wakes up to find another loved one finding a way to lose herself from the torment she feels her life has become.

"Shit!" he whispers, the only word he can form.

"Don't worry Commander. I have faith she'll turn around. After all, she's a fighter. She's always been one." The nurse offers a smile before leaving the room.

Once Monica leaves, Keith suddenly realizes that he isn't holding the journal. He looks around and finds it on the floor. "Must have dropped it when I woke up." He says to himself as he picks it up and looks over to the Princess, "Allura, I wish…I wish you'd wake up already!" he tells her. His eyes narrow and suddenly, his anger begins to boil again. "How can you be so…selfish! I want to start my life again and you….you're just holding me up!" Sighing in frustration he opens the book and skims through the pages until he finds the entry he left off from.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I lost him! I lost him! Oh God, what did I do? I've…how could I…Oh God!**_

_By the way the words are written it looks like Allura was shaking when she was writing this,_ Keith thinks as he studies the handwriting. Raising his view towards her briefly, he looks down again and turns the page to the next entry.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Yesterday…I lost everything. I have nothing anymore. **_

_**After Jocelyn's funeral, Keith headed to his room with his daughter and basically locked himself in for the entire day. He asked for his meals to be brought to his room. Nanny told me that he didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to see him. I wanted to see that he was all right, that's all. I know that maybe I shouldn't have gone, but I saw how destroyed he looked at the service and no one else dared to check on him. I, on the other hand, couldn't let him grieve alone. I've grieved for years by myself. Without anyone to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me that things would work out somehow. I couldn't allow him to go through that pain by himself. He still doesn't understand that after the shock goes away, the emptiness left behind is greater than anything he'll ever face. I've lived with it for far too long…I know it far too well.**_

_**Diary I went to his room. I knocked and when I saw him, his eyes…they were so full of hurt….pain…and for the first time ever…hate. They were so dark...so black. They looked liked they had no ending, a deep tunnel of pain…**_

Keith's eyes fell to the last words, "A deep tunnel of pain_." Yes, that's how it feels_. He thinks with a sigh.

"She always knew what I felt." He whispers silently to himself. Keith looks up to the ceiling, his memory traveling back to that day….

_He heard a knock at the door. Frustrated, he rose from his bed and walked to the door._

"_I told everyone I wanted to be alone!" he called out loud as he opened the door. He was surprised to see who stood in front of him, but he didn't want to let her know. Instead, his eyes darkened toward her as he demanded, "What do you want?"_

"_I…I just…I wanted to tell you how deeply sorry I am for Jocelyn's death." She responded to him a bit nervously. "If you need anything…please know that I'm here…for you…for both of you."_

_At this he laughed at her sarcastically. Her eyes widened __and her gaze dropped to the floor__. "You're sorry...are you?" he spat out. "Princess, what the hell are you sorry about? Out of all people, I think you're the most happy that my wife is dead!"_

_Her eyes flew back up to his face, "No…no, Keith, don't say that…" _

"_Right! Weren't you the one that said that I couldn't protect her? You were right. I couldn't. I'm sure you're happy about that!"_

"_Keith, I never meant to hurt you…" she started but he cut her off._

"_You were so against any of us finding any form of happiness! This must have been great for you. Princess… you have never been happy. You have never wanted anyone else to be happy, what the hell did you come here for?_

"_Keith, I…I love…you."_

"_You love me? You love no one! You thought...you'd come here and offer me…what? A good pity fuck?"_

"_No!"_

"_Get the hell away from me! Don't you ever speak to me again!" he yelled before slamming his hand on the button to close the door._

Keith shakes his head in disbelief, "How could I have treated her that way?" He continues reading the end of the entry. Tears run out of his eyes and down his cheeks as he reads the last words.

…_**Diary, Jocelyn's funeral was yesterday, but I feel like I should have been buried with her. She's not the only one that has died.**_

_**Allura**_

He closes the journal and lays it on the chair after he stands up. Keith walks up to Allura's bed and takes a seat. Looking at her, he forces himself to meet her blank eyes, "Allura…" he starts as tears continue to fall. "Forgive me….forgive me…" he breaks down as he lifts her up and holds her limp body to his. "Forgive me my Princess…Oh God, please forgive me."


	16. Chapter 16

Enjoy the next chapter all…

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

Chapter 16: A Dream Realized

Rising some time later, Keith bends over and places a chaste kiss on Allura's lips. His eyes move over her still face as he whispers, "Please Princess…wake up and smile at me." Pressing his forehead down to hers, he breathes in her sweet scent and tries again, "I'm sorry Allura…sorry for everything that I've done that has hurt you. Please sweetheart…look at me..."

He listens to her breathing for several long moments then pulls away from her. Moving over to the chair, he picks up her journal then glances at the time, "Midnight…I should get to bed." He leaves Allura's room and MedTech.

Entering his bedroom a bit later, he is shocked to find Nanny asleep in the rocking chair with Lila in her arms. He sets the journal on his bedside table then bends over her. Keith quietly says her name while gently taking the baby from her. Nanny sits up with a start, "Oh…Captain…"

"Shh…Nanny. It's all right." He whispers to her as he moves across the room to put Lila in her crib.

The older woman rises and bends backward to stretch her back, "I'm sorry Commander…I didn't mean to fall asleep with her in the chair. It's been a long day."

Turning back to face her, Keith replies with a smile, "No worries Nanny…thank you for taking care of her for me."

The old governess waves dismissively at him, "It is no hard job and it's been so long since I've had the joy of taking care of a babe... I almost forgot how peaceful it can be to watch them sleep. So peaceful, I fell asleep with her."

The smile stays on Keith's face as he watches her turn toward the door. She pauses as it opens to state, "Good evening Commander…" At his nod, she leaves the room.

Glancing over at the crib once more, Keith walks to the bathroom to brush his teeth and readies for bed. He walks back into the room a short time later to hear Lila whimper in her sleep. Moving over to the crib, he whispers to her, "Easy munchkin…Daddy's here."

He softly rubs her back while whispering to her until finally, she calms down. Walking back to his bed, Keith sits down and puts his feet under the blankets before glancing back at the journal. Sighing deeply, he picks it up while thinking, _'One more entry…I'll read one more then go to sleep.'_

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**After my…confrontation…with Keith yesterday, I felt an overwhelming need to visit my father. I was hoping his spirit would guide me in some way. I feel so lost and confused, but he didn't appear to me.**_

_**I don't understand it Diary, he has always come when I've called out to him, but not this time. Is this his way of saying I must find my own way? How can I? The way is lost to me… Keith hates me and my heart breaks every time I look at him and he turns away.**_

_**I ran into him on the way back from the crypt. I had tears running down my face when father wouldn't speak to me. Keith glanced at me, fury in his eyes then turned and walked away. He didn't care that I was crying…didn't care that I was hurting…didn't…care.**_

_**I confess Diary, I thought about going out onto the balcony and throwing myself off of it at that moment. What's the point of life when all I feel is misery and despair? Then I thought of my poor people…people that depend on me. What would they do if I were to die? Then there is also Lila…I promised to take care of her. How could I do that if I am dead?**_

_**Instead I returned to my room…to my misery. I must find a way to move on, to a life without love, without happiness…without…Keith.**_

_**Allura**_

Closing the book, Keith sets it aside while thinking, _'Even at her lowest…Allura's strength shone through. If she couldn't live for herself…she would live for her people.'_ He smiles softly at the thought until another voice enters his head, _'At least she could while you were still here…the minute you left…she died inside.'_

Pushing down the guilt threatening to choke him, Keith turns off the light and closes his eyes. Clearing his mind, he slowly falls asleep.

Walking up to the sound of his daughter crying three hours later, Keith rises quickly to see to her needs. After feeding her a bottle, he wipes his eyes with a free hand while yawning. His eyes move to the journal still resting on his bedside table. Rising, he sets the bottle down on Lila's changing table then goes to the bed, picking up the book.

Moving back across the room, sighing, Keith curls up in the chair with Lila resting against his shoulder. Patting her back absently with one hand, he opens Allura's journal with the other and after a little difficulty manages to get to the next entry:

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Today was a hard day...I don't know that it was any one thing that made things bad or the combination of all of them, but I ended up in tears by the end of it. I went to Keith's room while still crying and knocked on the door...**_

Keith takes a deep breath and pats Lila as she coos at him. _'Another false memory...' _he thinks since he doesn't remember Allura coming to his room anytime in recent memory in tears. Going back to the entry he reads:

_**He smiled when he realized it was me then once he saw the tears on my face, asked what was wrong. I could only shake my head at him as I launched myself into his arms. Keith held me closely whispering that I would be all right and the sound of his calm voice warmed me...making all the problems seem minor.**_

_**Then Lila started to cry. He released me to move across the room and picked her up. As he turned back to me while patting her back and trying to calm her down, all I could think about was that I wanted him to do that to me.**_

_**It seemed like he could read my mind. He moved over to his bed and sat with his back against the headboard then gestured to me to join him. I curled into one side of him, my head on his chest, as Lila lay on his other side.**_

_**His arm wrapped around my waist, holding me close to him and he turned his head to kiss me on my forehead. I moved my hand to rest on top of his over Lila and...Oh Diary...it was the perfect moment as he whispered to me, "I could stay like this forever...with my girls."**_

Pausing, Keith glances at the only girl in his arms at the moment, his eyes stinging slightly as his mind goes over Allura's fantasy in his mind, '_Laying in a bed holding the two women I love...something I had thought would happen with Jocelyn...now...'_ He stops and lets the journal fall in his lap as he reaches up to wipe the tears from his eyes.

A few minutes pass as he holds his now sleeping daughter close to him while remembering his wife and thinking of all the things they will never be able to do together. Once he has his emotions under control, Keith picks up the journal once more:

_**I smiled up at him and whispered, "I love you...my knight...my protector." He smiled back at me then bent his head to kiss me. It was the sweetest of kisses...meant to comfort and made me feel safe and warm.**_

_**I feel asleep in his arms Diary...with my family.**_

_**Allura**_

"With my family..." Keith swears softly under his breath, "The one thing she always wanted...a family." Glancing over at Lila, he kisses her forehead and listens to her sniffle in her sleep. Smiling softly, he sets the journal aside then rises while speaking to his sleeping daughter, "Let's see if this fantasy of hers will wake her up, Lila..."

Keith leaves his room to walk down the hallway toward MedTech. Despite the lateness of the hour, he nods to the guards and maids still wandering the hallways of the castle and then enters the medical unit. He smiles at a nurse in passing then walks into Allura's dimly lit room.

Walking over to the bed, he leans down to place Lila on Allura's chest, patting her back gently when she sniffles in her sleep again. Taking off his boots, Keith climbs carefully onto the bed and gathers Allura and his daughter into his arms.

His mouth moves to the Princess' ear to whisper, "We are waiting for you Allura..." He places a soft kiss near her ear then closes his eyes to drift asleep.

Dr. Gorma sighs as he goes through his late night rounds. He pauses before Princess Allura's observation window, startled by the sight within. Commander Kogane lies on his side, his arm around the Princess and his daughter, all three asleep in the bed.

Smiling at the vision in front of him, the doctor walks away from the window and moves down the hallway to alert the nursing staff to stay out of the Princess' room for the night.

The soft sound of Lila's whimpering wakes Keith up the next morning. Sucking in a deep breath, he wipes the sleep from his eyes as he looks at the woman in his arms. Allura's eyes are closed as if she simply sleeps. Another sound from his daughter draws his eyes down as she lifts her head up from her place on Allura's chest, looks at him and releases a soft cry.

A soft smile plays on his lips as he moves a hand to caress her cheek, "I know munchkin…it's probably past time for your breakfast."

Rising from the bed, Keith picks up his daughter and gathers her close to him as she begins to cry in earnest. Glancing down once more at Allura, he notes the lack of change and sighs then leaves the room. Lila's crying echoes down the hallways as Keith makes his way to his room. He passes by a maid, who smiles at him, before reaching his door.

Setting Lila down on her changing table, Keith quickly removes her diaper and puts a fresh one on her. Leaving her there for a moment, he moves into the bathroom and makes a bottle for her. Returning as her cries become even louder if possible, Keith picks her up then moves to the rocking chair and quiets her by placing the bottle into her mouth as he starts to rock back and forth.

A broad smile crosses his lips as she sniffles loudly then starts to drink her breakfast, "I know sweetheart…it's horrible to have to wait…isn't it?"

After she finishes the bottle, Keith sets the bottle down on the side table and maneuvers Lila so he can burp her. His eyes fall on the journal and he reaches for it. He pushes back in the chair so the baby rests comfortably on his chest then opens the book.

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I feel like I live in a world without any color. Everything seems gray to me, from the clothes in my closet to the food on the plate in front of me, nothing interests me. Dr. Smith told me it is from the depression I'm in…**_

_**Depression…is that what happens when you feel like you've no reason to smile, to eat…to live? I thought life was bad before, when Keith first married Jocelyn and no one would speak to me. That was nothing compared to this…**_

_**I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. I simply want to lie there and stay in my dream world. The only reason I rise is so I can see Lila while the boys are at practice. She smiled at me today, with her sweet little rosebud lips. She is the only color in my world now Diary…**_

_**There are times I wonder…if Lotor were to attack and managed to kidnap me…would Keith even try to save me? Or would he let Lotor take me away…glad to be rid of me? **_

_**I know I'm just rambling tonight Diary…I'm so tired.**_

_**Allura**_

Shaking his head at the entry, Keith sighs deeply then glances down at Lila as she makes a noise. Setting the journal aside, he picks her up while thinking, _'Time for some breakfast for Daddy_.'


	17. Chapter 17

Enjoy the next chapter all…we enjoyed writing it. ;)

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

Chapter 17: Holy Crap…I'm fucking fifteen again!

After breakfast Keith, with a deep feeling of regret for not spending more time with his daughter, leaves Lila with Romelle and returns to his bedroom to pick up the journal before heading for MedTech. Settling in his chair beside Allura's bed, Keith opens the journal to the next entry:

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Oh the most wonderful thing happened today...it was like a dream.**_

Keith arches his eyebrow, after the last entry, he would have thought this entry would be more like the last. He continues to read:

_**I was in my room, staring out the window when I heard my door open. I didn't turn to look because I knew...just knew that it was him. As his strong arms wrapped around me from behind, I could feel his muscular chest against my back. I shivered when I felt his warm breath as he whispered into my ear, "I think you need a bath..."**_

"What the hell is this!" Keith sits upright trying to understand the words he just read, "Someone was with Allura?" Anger flows through his blood as he thinks about someone else touching and speaking to the princess that way. His breath catches in his throat as he realizes, _'What the hell? I'm jealous!' _Shaking his head in derision at himself, Keith bends back over the journal to read:

_**I pulled out of his arms and stared into his dark eyes as he smiled at me, that secret smile meant just for me. He bent over me and as his lips met mine...oh diary...I felt like I had just gone to heaven.**_

_**After what seemed like a delightful eternity, the kiss ended and Keith led me to the bathroom.**_

"I never did any of this!" Keith starts, his eyes moving from the page to Allura's prone form. Sighing when he realizes he is going to read one of her fantasy entries, he continues:

_**My eyes ran over his body as he bent over the tub to fill it with water. As the room became warm from the steam, he turned back to me. His hands slid up my arms before moving behind me and unzipping my dress.**_

_**As he took his time removing my clothing, Keith would place the softest of kisses on my body, making me shiver in delight. Once nude, he turned me to face him and his devilishly dark eyes shone with promised sensual delights as he whispered, "Get into the bath my love..."**_

_**As I sunk down in the warm water and bubbles, I watched him undress. My eyes moved over his sculpted chest down to his rippling abdominals then down to the line of dark hair that starts at his navel and travels down into his pants.**_

_**I stared at him as he slowly unbuttoned his pants, his eyes teasing me as he slowly pushed them down his hips, exposing his lower body to my gaze. My eyes followed that line of dark hair to his manhood, which strained toward me, long and hard...**_

Feeling highly uncomfortable, Keith shifts in his seat at the provocative picture Allura was painting. _How the hell does she know anything about my... _stopping his thoughts before he can finish them. Moving against the chair until he is more comfortable, he reads on:

_**I slid forward in the water as he climbed in behind me. He wrapped his arms around me as I settled between his legs and I could feel his hardness against my buttocks, causing me to gasp with the pleasures I knew were coming.**_

_**His silky voice filled my ears as he whispered, "We need to make sure you are clean..." I watched as he took the sponge from the ledge, dipped it into the water and started to slide it down my arm. He turned his attention to my other arm, moving slowly as he dragged the sponge along my skin, up my shoulder then he dipped down between my breasts before he circled around them.**_

_**I could feel my nipples hardening in anticipation as he circled round my left breast, coming close and closer until finally Keith slid the sponge over my nipple. I gasped at the sweet pleasure/pain sensation as he continued to tease my breasts. His lips moved along my neck, nipping the skin then licking the hurt away.**_

_**I arched my back, forcing my breasts up higher, begging for more attention. His soft chuckle filled my ears, "Don't be in such a hurry..." Dropping the sponge, his hands cupped my breasts, his thumbs moving over the nipples, making them even harder as I groaned out his name.**_

"_**Easy my love..." Keith whispered as his lips teased the sensitive skin near my ear. He released one of my breasts and his hand traveled down, caressing the skin along my belly before he slid his fingers between my legs.**_

"Son of a bitch!" Keith stops reading as he feels himself hardening with the images running through his head. "Where the hell did she learn this kind of stuff?" he asks himself as he glances over at the young woman lying motionless in the bed. Unable to stop himself, he returns to the journal:

"_**Hmm....I think you need cleaning here as well..." Keith murmured into my ear while his fingers moved along my secret place.**_

"_**Keith...please..." I pleaded with him.**_

_**He chuckled in my ear then replied, "No patience..." and he pulled on me, positioning me until I was turned toward him, straddling his hips. I bent over him, my lips finding his as he moved his fingers down my back then to my buttocks, squeezing them. A soft moan escaped his lips as he broke the kiss then moved his mouth along my neck, sliding down until he took one of my nipples in his mouth.**_

_**I cried out my pleasure as he sucked on it for one moment then grazed his teeth over it the next. His shaft throbbed against my belly. I shifted my hips, moving against him in invitation until he groaned loudly then lifted me by my hips and impaled me.**_

Unable to read anymore as his groin throbs with need, Keith swears softly as his eyes unwittingly move across the room to study Allura closely. '_Who would have thought she could have such a detailed fantasy like that...that entry would be enough to send anyone over the edge.'_ He thinks while his eyes move over Allura's body. His eyes stop on her chest, noticing for the first time in a long time how full her breasts are and the nipples that push against her nightgown, '_begging to be sucked on_.'

Feeling another nasty pull from his groin at the thought, Keith stands up and leaves the room. Moving down the hallway, he stops at Sven and Romelle's room, knocking on the door. The door opens, showing one of his best friends, "Hey Keith..." He starts then noticing the look on his face, queries, "What's wrong?"

Shaking his head in answer, Keith instead asks, "Is Romelle around?"

Arching his brows in question, Sven steps away from the door and Keith enters the room to find princess of Pollux lying across the bed with Lila in front of her. She looks up with a smile on her face as Lila kicks her feet up at her, a happy smile on her face, "She is such a good baby Keith..."

He smiles at her then turns to Sven, "I need a moment with Romelle...for a private question."

Sven's eyebrow goes even higher before he clears his throat, "Very well..." He smiles at Romelle who waves at him before turning around and leaving the room.

Sitting up more, Romelle questions, "What's wrong Keith?"

Pacing the room for a moment, Keith finally turns back to her to ask, "Did you ever talk to Allura about sex?"

Her cheeks flame with embarrassment as Romelle sputters for a moment before inquiring, "Why would you ask me that?"

His own cheeks flushed with embarrassment, Keith swears softly then replies, "I read...something...in her journal. The details..." He stops to clear his throat, unable to look Romelle in the eyes before finishing, "The details weren't something I would have expected from someone like Allura..." Finally Keith meets her eyes, "Someone...virginal."

"Oh!" Romelle exclaims. She glances back down at the baby for a moment then quietly asks, "How detailed?"

An exasperated laugh escapes him before he replies, "Enough to possibly teach Lance a thing or two..."

"Oh dear..."

"Yeah..." Keith replies then adds, "I don't know how she could have that kind of knowledge and then to write it down like that..."

Romelle smiles as she looks at one of Sven's best friends, finding his cheeks flaming red with his embarrassment. Her eyes drift to his groin, noting his condition. Trying hard not to laugh, she asks, "I take it you...were...bothered by it?"

Feeling himself turning even redder with embarrassment, Keith walks across the room to sit down on the chair in the corner, holding the journal in front of his groin. His eyes find hers and he notes the look of humor in them before he growls out, "Romelle..."

Laughing out loud at Keith's discomfort, Romelle wipes at the tears forming in her eyes before replying, "Well, I can't say we discussed anything...that detailed." At the look that crosses his face, she adds, "But, I know Allura had been reading some romance novels she had gotten from Earth."

"Romance novels from Earth..." Keith starts then runs his hand through his hair, "Good lord!"

Romelle laughs some more then states, "What did you expect her to read Keith? Stuffy political essays all the time?"

He shakes his head in reply then stands up, "I better go..." His eyes drift down to his daughter, "Can you watch her until dinner? I need to...ahh..."

"Take a cold shower?" The Pollux princess interjects as she continues to laugh.

"Not funny Romelle..." Keith growls as she waves him to the door. Grimacing, he walks out of the room, Romelle's laughter still echoing in his ears.

* * *

_The ballroom's filled with candles. He can't tell how they stand in place. Rather, they seem to float all over. The windows around the room open wide and wind encircles the room, yet the candles' light does not flicker away as the wind passes through. The fireplace lights up and warms the room against the coolness of the breezes flying in._

_The dim light from the candles casts shadows around the room, but there is no one else in there, just him. A feeling of being touched on his shoulder causes him to turn and he sees her. Her golden hair dances as the wind sweeps it upward. Her blue eyes are darker than normal as she looks straight at him, almost through him, seeing into his soul._

"_You still mourn." She tells him gently. "I see it."_

"_She was my soul." He answers. Looking down, he notices her attire. A white, flyaway, baby doll silk lingerie covers her. The only thing holding it together is a thin delicate knot between the breasts. Underneath she wears silk white panties, they bond against her body by strings tied to the sides of her hips._

"_You know I love you." She tells him as she caresses his cheek. "I always have."_

"_I know." He replies. "I love…." He couldn't finish._

_She nods sadly. "I understand." Turning, she begins walking away, but he grabs her by her arm and stops her. "Wait…I need time…but I do love you Allura…I can love you."_

_She smiles, but then her smiles withers away slowly, "It's too late."_

"_No!" He tells her harshly. "No, it's not. Come back and let me show you!"_

"_Show me what?"_

"_How much… I can love you. I need you Allura, I didn't think I did, but I do." He brings her closer to him. "Let me show you." He cups her cheek and kisses her tenderly, "Please…I need to show you." He whispers in between his short but sweet kisses._

"_Are you sure?" she murmurs back as the winds around them become stronger, yet gentle enough as to engulf them in their own world._

"_Yes." He tells her as his hands travel to the soft area between her breasts. Stopping when he feels the strings that hold together her nightgown, he pulls on one end of the strings. The baby doll breaks apart revealing more of her beauty. "You're so beautiful Allura." His voice comes out as a mere whisper as he looks at her bared breasts. His hand cups her right breast and he uses his thumb to provoke her nipple to turn hard against his fingers. She trembles as his hand slides downward, his fingers tracing the outlines of her sculpted abs until they reach her panties. He slowly takes another string between his fingers and pulls it out and just as fast he turns to the other side and pulls on the other string, the panties falling to the floor and the winds sweep them away till they are no more._

_With both hands, he slides the rest of the teddy off and takes her into his arms. It is then he notices, he's nude as well. Her body presses against his and an electric shock sparks within him as he becomes hot at her touch. Picking her up, he turns to a bed that wasn't there before, but now awaits them._

_Slowly, he places her down on the silk sheets, her hair still flowing around her, engulfing him as he lies on top of her. Pressing his lips to hers, he kisses her, his tongue battling with hers to gain control as he deepens the kiss. He feels his manhood throb. "I need you." He breaths out as she begins to kiss his neck and caress his back._

"_It's too late," she repeats as she works her way back to his lips._

_He looks at her sternly, "No, it's not! You are coming back to me. I promise, you'll come back to me." The white silk sheets grow larger and larger until it covers them. In between the softness of the sheets, he pushes her legs apart. "Don't leave me!" he whispers to her as he enters her. She moans in pleasure. "I can't…stay." She whispers back while crying out in delight._

"_No!" he pulls out and thrust himself within her, pulling in and out, his need for her increasing. Aware he is not in the ballroom anymore, he doesn't look around, afraid that if he turns away, she'll disappear. She moans with pleasure as he continues his path inside of her. The sheets turn into fog and he feels himself drifting away into nothingness, the only light, the candles floating around them lighting up like stars in the dark sky._

"_Keith!" she screams and he now begins to feel a pleasure that he can't comprehend. It's intense, a burning need inside of him that won't leave. His thrusts become harder, faster, and looking at her pleasure intoxicates him. He pushes deeper. She screams. He screams, "Allura….Allura!" He feels her come as he loses control himself and joins her. The fog around them becomes thicker and thicker until he can't see her anymore. "Goodbye…" her voice echoes in the nothingness. "Allura!" he yells for her._

_Another voice echoes in his ear...'Save her.'_

"Allura!" Keith screams out as he looks around his room. He hears Lila begin to whimper. Breathing in hard, "It was so…real." he tells himself as he still feels the tingling sensation around his body. Suddenly feeling wet, he looks down to his sheet, finding his member still hard and his sheets soaked from the fluids of his body.

"Holy crap! Now, I'm fucking fifteen again." He throws himself back down against his pillows and runs his hand through his hair.

He looks around the room then at the clock by the nightstand. Midnight. He had spent the rest of the day working after visiting Allura. After dinner, he spent the evening playing with Lila in the rec room along with the gang. Feeling tired, he was one of the first ones to call it a night that evening.

"Only midnight?" He had barely slept two hours. "Allura's entry must have affected me more than I thought." he whispered to himself.

Remembering the dream, he felt more confused than ever. _'Could it be? Could I really be capable loving her one day?' _His concentration is broken when Lila begins to cry. He needs answers. "I won't get them here." He tells himself as he rises from bed and goes to Lila to calm her down before he hits the shower.


	18. Chapter 18

Sorry for the long delay…life and a disagreement over how part of the chapter was written slowed us up. Life's good now and we present the next chapter for your enjoyment.

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

* * *

Chapter 18: Just When I thought I Had Everything Together….

Waking up feeling conflicted and confused, especially after his dream the night before, Keith quickly left Lila with Nanny after she woke up. Walking down the hallway, he pauses before the door to Dr. Smith's office. With his hand raised to knock, Keith stops as he rethinks his decision.

Swearing softly, he finally knocks hard on the door before changing his mind again. When he hears the soft female voice inside calling out, he presses the button to open the door. Stepping over the threshold, he watches as Dr. Smith stands up from behind her desk to greet him, "Good morning Commander. How might I be of service?"

"I need help..." Keith states, and then swears again as he turns away while running his hand through his hair in an agitated motion.

"I thought you might come to me at some point..."

Keith turns around shocked at the statement to face the middle aged woman. Dr. Smith smiles sympathetically then directs him to the sitting area of her office. She sits down then watches as Keith paces before the couch for a moment, in indecision, before he finally sits down with a sigh.

His dark eyes rest on her as he asks, "Why did you think I would come to you?"

Smiling at him, Dr. Smith replies, "Because Keith, you are confused, conflicted and don't know what to do anymore." At the speechless look on his face, she continues, "I imagine after reading through Allura's journal and realizing how much she is in love with you and how much of her attention she gave you without you ever realizing it, that you are beginning to look at her differently. You are wondering what it would be like to be with her and then you feel guilty because your wife only died a short time ago."

She pauses a moment when Keith's pallor changes and tells him, "Take deep breaths and keep yourself calm. Remember I'm a trained doctor...I've been through this before." As he arches an eyebrow at her, Dr. Smith adds, "Helping someone who is grieving for someone they've lost."

Dr. Smith sits back in her chair and crosses her legs while placing her arms on the armrests, "Then there is the rest of your friends...they want to help you, but don't know how to and you don't really want them to. While you want them to believe that everything is all right, you resent them for every laugh and every smile they share with each other. You want them to be as miserable as you are. Which probably lead to your decision to leave Arus to begin with."

Keith's mouth drops as she finishes. Managing to gain his voice, he demands, "How the hell do you know..."

"Like I said Commander...I've helped a few people through grief." Smiling softly at him, Dr. Smith sits forward and places her crossed arms over her legs, "Keith, grief is a process and every person who experiences the loss of their parent, sibling or in your case, wife, has to go through it. There is no timeline, no way to hurry up the process so you can continue on with your life. You must work your way through it...until you are ready to move on. Only you will know when you have reached that point." She holds his gaze as she adds, "I am willing to bet you feel lost...like a piece of you is missing, that without that piece, your world will never be right again."

At Keith's nod, Dr. Smith sits back in the chair once more as she asks, "Have you ever heard of the seven stages of grief?"

"No..." Keith's face is intense as he watches the older woman in front of him.

"You need to understand, these stages aren't something you will experience in A, B, C fashion. You may experience some stages at the same time, you may experience a stage, think you have moved away from it only to have it come back to you." At his nod, Dr. Smith continues, "The first stage is typically shock and denial. It's a feeling of numbness or you deny the loss on some level so you don't have to deal with the pain."

At the recognition in Keith's eyes, she moves on, "The next stage is pain and guilt; some call it survivor's guilt. You feel remorse over the things you may have wanted to do, but didn't get around to with your partner. Things you can still do...but alone."

"Next is anger and bargaining. You rail at fate or God for taking your partner away, wondering what you did wrong to deserve it." Her eyes narrow slightly as she adds, "Sometimes you will take out your anger on someone who doesn't deserve it...because you feel the need to blame someone for the death of your spouse."

Keith, feeling a mountain of guilt, shifts his gaze away from the doctor even as she moves on, "You will find yourself mentally bargaining with God to bring your wife back...making promises if he will just bring her back and take your pain away."

She ignores his lack of eye contact as she continues, "The fourth stage is what many call depression. You will feel lonely and reflect on your time with your wife, recalling things said, done. At this point you have a tendency to push people away from you, to isolate yourself, so you can be alone with your despair."

Shifting his gaze back to the doctor as she pauses, Keith nods at her in answer to the unasked question hanging in the air. She nods back then continues, "The fifth stage has been called the 'upward turn'. It is when you start to adjust to life without your partner. You feel a little calmer and perhaps more organized. The sixth stage is reconstruction. You find ways to live your life without your partner while you still grieve."

A soft smile crosses her face as she finishes, "The final stage is acceptance and hope. This does not mean instant happiness, rather, after experiencing the pain of losing your spouse, you find that you can live life again and find a way to move forward."

At the thoughtful look on Keith's face, Dr. Smith tells him, "I have no way of telling you what stage you are at...only you can answer that question. Some people recover quickly...some take years...some never recover and join their spouse in death sooner than they should."

"Now Keith, on to the reason you came to visit me. I imagine you are questioning every decision you have made in the last few weeks and wondering if leaving Arus and your past behind you, is what you should do or if you should stay and take a chance that you might find happiness and love once more."

Keith looks at her once again, shaken by her astuteness. His eyes stay on her as she rises and walks over to her desk. She returns moments later with a pen and notebook. As the doctor sits back down, he asks, "What are you doing?"

"We are going to do an analysis of your decision and you are going to decide if you made the right one." she tells him as she rips out two sheets of paper, writes Arus on the top of one with two columns, Pros and Cons. She repeats the procedure on the second sheet of paper but instead writes Earth on top.

Looking up at Keith she states, "Ok, let's start with Earth. What are the good reasons for returning to Earth?"

As Keith sits there looking flabbergasted, she bends back over and writes, "Let's see, point one, a fresh start. You won't have to pass a garden or tree that reminds you of your wife. What else?"

Sighing, Keith at first doesn't answer. Dr. Smith just stares at him, waiting patiently for his reply. Then, sitting up a bit from his chair, he shakes his head, "I don't know."

"Think."

Looking at her with a deathly stare, Keith answers back, "I already told you, I don't know. Listen, doctor, I'm not your damn patient. I came here for answers."

"Which is exactly what I'm offering you." Smith answers him, without a sprinkle of judgment in her tone. "Now tell me, about the pros of leaving for Earth."

"Why are you doing this?" he sighs in frustration while rubbing his face tiredly.

"Tell me the reasons you feel you can't do this small exercise?"

Feeling his anger rising, Keith blurts out as he stands up, "Reason? I'll tell you a reason doctor. For one thing, I won't have to worry about my friends telling me to get over my wife!"

Patiently, Dr. Smith writes down what Keith stated. She doesn't look up as he continues.

"There isn't a fucking war over there! I wouldn't have to worry about my daughter being in danger from that asshole who's made my life a living, fucking hell for the past two years!"

She looks up blankly at him for a moment before writing down his next point. He tries to calm himself, closing his eyes and taking a seat once more. "Anything else?" She softly asks.

Sighing, Keith laughs sarcastically. "What? Isn't that enough?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

Rolling his eyes in frustration, he becomes quiet for a moment, before speaking, "She would have a better opportunity for education there." Dr. Smith bends back over to write that down.

Keith sits speechless as he ponders on his own answers he has relayed to the woman in front of him. After finishing writing the points, the doctor glances up at him to ask, "What else?"

Running his hands through his hair again, Keith answers, "My rank…it would provide a good living and many opportunities for Lila as she gets older."

Dr. Smith looks back up at him as she asks, "Can you think of anything else?"

With a shake of Keith's head, she moves to the next column, "Ok. Tell me some cons about leaving for Earth."

"There are none." He raises his eyebrow and offers a sly smile, "Why do you think I want to move?"

Nodding, the doctor dismisses his sarcasm and continues, "Well, look at your number two reason for leaving. Don't you think it would be a con as well?" She asks as she hands him the paper she previously wrote on. He reads it and sighs, "Yeah, I guess, it does go against number two on the pro list, no friends…I'll be completely on my own without anyone to turn to." Keith feels apprehension crawl over him as she writes that point down.

He grows quiet for a while, pondering as he hands back the paper to the doctor. "This is fucking ridiculous."

"Why do you think that?"

He laughs, "Is this your trick to get me to stay here on Arus?"

Shaking her head, she asks, "I thought we were just discussing the pros and cons of you leaving. At the end, the decision is yours."

Sighing again and snorting loudly, Keith continues, "I'm guessing that my posting might not be permanent, so the chances of being reassigned will increase and I could be uprooting Lila on a regular basis." She writes down the point on the con side of the paper. Once done, Dr. Smith stares back up at him. When she sees he can't think of any other points, she offers one,"Can you think about Lila's home life? Tell me about that?"

'_Oh shit...that wasn't even something I thought of...'_ Keith thinks as he watches the doctor stare at him.

Thinking over that point, Keith then comes up with another con, "That also leads to another point…who is going to watch Lila while I work? I'm mean...I know there are day cares all over the place...but nothing like what I have here." He sighs as she writes down that point, '_Something I thought about when Lila got sick..._'

"Anything else?"

Keith shakes his head, "I don't fucking know anymore."

"Ok...let's move onto the Arus side..." Dr. Smith states as she moves the other paper aside. "Let's start with cons this time—"

"Oh, that's simple!" Keith cuts her off, "My friends…they will want me to get over my wife quickly and have Allura replace her."

"Is that what you think? That Jocelyn can be replaced?"

Keith starts to sputter angrily, "Jocelyn _can't_ be replaced..."

Dr. Smith pauses as she looks back up at him, "I know she can't...but you seem to think your friends think so."

His anger erupting, Keith stands up to tower over her, "That's not what I meant at all. Stop twisting my words Doctor! You don't know my friends! They loved Jocelyn...they have been hurting as much as I have over her death and know she can never be replaced in my heart or theirs!"

Sitting back, Dr. Smith smiles up at him triumphantly, "I know that Keith...but I wanted you to realize that yourself."

Wavering on his feet as realization hits him, Keith whispers, "Oh God...I've been acting like the only one hurting..." He falls back on the couch with tears running out of his eyes as Dr. Smith rises and moves to sit beside him.

Keith covers his face with his hands as he bends over crying while she rubs his back, "Keith...I didn't say that to upset you, only to make you realize you aren't alone in your pain. Jocelyn touched everyone in this castle's life and losing her has affected them all but they hide their pain so they do not make you feel worse."

She listens to him taking deep, shuddering breaths as he tries to calm down before she speaks again, "I'm not going to try to influence your decision whether to stay or to go, but you need to ask yourself, 'What are you gaining by leaving?' and 'What are you losing?' Is the loss something you can accept or will you be kicking yourself years down the line when you are all alone with no one beside you as your daughter, all grown up, moves on with her life, leaving you behind."

Keith's black eyes flick over to the doctor, shocked by the question, something he has never contemplated. Dr. Smith smiles softly at him as she continues, "If you stay, you will have your friends, a wealth of people willing to help you raise Lila and possibly...to find love again."

At the mention of love, the commander turns his gaze away once more. He listens to the doctor sigh before she adds, "Keith...I know I don't know you as well as your friends but I do know this...you have a great capacity to love. You are right, Allura will never replace Jocelyn in your heart, but if you look deep enough, I think you will find room in there to love her as well, if you are willing to take the chance."

* * *

Leaving Dr. Smith's office later, Keith walks into the dining room, takes his seat then announces, "I am taking Lila to visit her grandfather this morning."

Lance arches his eyebrows at him but doesn't comment. Nodding at him, Hunk and Pidge turn back to their breakfast and discussions. Romelle smiles at him in reply then asks, "Need some company?"

"No thanks Romelle...this is something I need to do on my own." Keith smiles at her to take the sting out of his reply.

Sven takes her hand then looks over at Keith, "Enjoy your visit. Tell Julian hello from us."

Nodding, Keith goes back to his breakfast.


	19. Chapter 19

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

Chapter 19: Promises Kept, Blessings Rendered

An hour later, Keith holds Lila close to him as he knocks on his father-in-law's door. The older gentleman opens the door with a smile, "Keith, I didn't know you were coming for a visit."

Before Keith can answer, Julian's eyes move to his granddaughter, "Let me see my angel..."

Keith hands his daughter over to the very excited grandfather then follows him into the house. Walking into the living area, he sits down across from the other two and smiles as Julian kisses Lila while listening to her gurgles of happiness.

"So tell me Keith, how is Princess Allura doing?" Julian asks, his gaze moving from his granddaughter to his son-in-law.

Taken aback, Keith asks, "How do you..."

"Bad news travels fast on Arus...especially news of our princess." His face turns sad, "Did it have to do with your leaving?"

Completely shocked, Keith's mouth drops open as he mumbles, "How do you know?"

Julian smiles sadly at him, "I've known a few things for a while. Jocelyn and I spoke before your wedding when she discovered the princess' feelings for you. She was heartbroken that she was denying that poor girl her happiness. But in the end, she couldn't give you up, not even for our princess."

He pulls Lila closer to him and inhales her scent before his eyes drift back over to Keith, tears in them, "She also told me of her condition...how she might die giving birth to Lila." The tears run down his cheeks in earnest as he continues, "Please son, forgive me for not telling you. Jocelyn made me swear not to, even though I argued with her that you had the right to know."

Keith sits back in his chair, stunned. Silence fills the room for several long minutes until he manages to sit up again, "Why would she tell you and not me?"

"Why..." Julian starts, shaking his head. His eyes finally meet his son-in-law's again when he restarts, "Keith, please understand that my daughter and I had a special relationship. My wife died shortly after giving birth to her...of the same condition."

At the shocked look in Keith's eyes, Julian looks away as he adds, "When she told me she was pregnant, I warned her to have herself checked, to make sure she would be fine. When Dr. Gorma discovered that she suffered from the same disease that killed her mother, Jocelyn came to me, crying and depressed. She couldn't imagine killing her child…your child…to save her own life."

"She needed me to be prepared, in case she didn't live. My daughter always knew what it would do to me if she were to die before I did." Julian looks back down at Lila, "At least she left me her child."

Speechless, Keith stares at the man before him, holding his daughter close to him. He finally draws in enough courage to ask, "Why didn't you say something to me after she died?"

Julian shakes his head, "I couldn't...again...she made me promise. Jocelyn told me that she left a letter for you..."

"Yes..." Keith interrupts, "But when I came to tell you that I was leaving Arus...you still kept silent and I hadn't received the letter yet."

Looking away, Julian replies, "Well, I knew that the person holding the letter would have gotten it to you, even if you were on Earth."

Shaking his head, Keith sits back in the chair, watching Julian as he holds his granddaughter close to him. A half hour passes before he manages to speak again, "Julian, I need your permission."

Looking away from his granddaughter, he responds, "To love Princess Allura...no, you don't Keith, you don't need my permission at all." At the apprehensive look on his son-in-law's face, Julian adds, "I will always consider you my son...always. As my son, I want you to be happy, the same thing Jocelyn wanted for you." He manages a small smile, "I would be happy to think of Princess Allura as my new daughter. In her own way, Jocelyn made sure I would never be alone."

Keith smiles back in return then sighs, "I better get back. I still need to figure out how to wake her."

The older man sighs as he stands up to hand Lila back to her father, "I know you will bring her back to us...she just needs to realize you are here." His eyes drift back down to the baby in Keith's arms, "Just bring my granddaughter by a bit more often..."

"Julian, any time you wish to see her, all you need to do is send me a message and if I can't bring her down, I'll find someone who can." Keith replies, then adds, "Also, feel free to come up to the castle at any time. You don't need to ask ahead."

Nodding in reply, Julian guides Keith to the door, "Good luck Son...bring the princess to visit as well once she is awake."

"I will..." Keith replies before waving a hand at him and walking over to the speeder waiting for him. Julian sighs as he watches them leave, "Well baby...I hope your prayers come true." Turning, he walks back into his house, closing the door behind him.

* * *

After returning to the castle, Keith leaves Lila with the guys, eats a fast lunch then heads to his office. Grabbing the journal, he flips through the pages. Keith glances at the entry he read the night before then turns the page. His eyes widen slightly at the date, _'Last entry...she wrote it the night before I left.'_ Settling in his office chair a bit more, he begins to read:

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**I didn't go to dinner tonight...I couldn't find the energy to put on my mask and go. I'm tired of pretending everything is all right when nothing is. Keith won't look at me unless he catches me looking at him and then he only glares at me before turning away. Each time that happens, it feels like a knife going through my heart yet again. He won't speak to me at all, not even for Arus security concerns. I have to go through Coran for any of that now. **_

_**It feels like all the light has gone out of my world. The only small pleasure I get each day is my visit with Lila while the boys practice. She is such a treasure Diary...she always stops fussing when I hold her and she looks up at me with those eyes...Keith's eyes. I wish Keith would look at me the same way...with love.**_

_**I've made a decision...I'm going to go to Lance tomorrow and tell him everything. I know he thinks I'm some kind of selfish…bitch, just like Keith does, but maybe if I can make him understand, he will be able to help me make Keith understand. It's the only chance I have left. **_

_**I'm going to bed now. I think I will use my favorite day dream...of Keith and I having a picnic in the meadow...dancing amongst the flowers.**_

_**Allura**_

Finishing the last of the journal, Keith closes the book and looks out the window thinking. '_I remember catching her watching me sometimes...it would enrage me... I know now, I was looking for someone to blame for Jocelyn's death and Allura's timing put her in the line of fire. She was going to go to Lance. Would I have listened to him if he had come to me with some story of Allura being in love with me?' _A deep sigh escapes him when he doesn't know the answer. His mind keeps working, '_How do I bring her back? I know now why Coran and Dr. Smith insisted only I could bring her out of that place in her mind...but so far nothing I have tried has worked._'

Remembering back to Coran's words when he gave him the journal, _"I know it will come to you..." _His mind floats over the last few entries in the journal then a thought comes to him. Rising quickly, Keith walks out of his study, heading down the hall toward MedTech. Going through the door, he quickly walks to Allura's room and enters it to find Nanny and Romelle sitting beside Allura. They stop speaking as he walks in, looking at him curiously.

"I think I can wake Allura...but I need your help...both of your help." Keith states.

Nanny stands, wringing her hands, "You can wake my baby? What is your idea Commander...I'm willing to try anything!"

Keith nods as Romelle stands up, "Tell us what you need."

"I need you two to bathe Allura and get her dressed. Something fun and girly...something she might wear to a picnic." He tells them excitedly.

"But why?" Nanny starts to ask only for Keith to interrupt her, "Please Nanny, just do it!" Looking to Romelle, he says, "I'm going to get some things ready and will be back for her in an hour." At her nod he walks out of the room.

The old governess turns to Romelle, "Do you think he can really wake her?"

Sighing deeply, she replies, "If he can't...I don't know who can." Turning to look back at her cousin, Romelle says, "Let's get to work Nanny...it will take a while to dress her."


	20. Chapter 20

Final chapter. We hope you enjoyed the story, please tell us what you think. We are currently working on another joint story that we hope to finish soon.

We the Voltron Queens make no claims to Voltron or any WEP characters.

Chapter 20: Waking Up the Sleeping Princess

An hour later, Keith walks into MedTech to find the blinds closed on the observation window. Knocking on the door, he enters when bidden. As he walks into the room, he finds Nanny brushing Allura's hair as he asks, "Is she ready to go?"

Sighing, Nanny strokes Allura's hair once more then steps away from her, "Yes."

"Keith, what are you doing?" Romelle asks.

"Just trust me Romelle." Keith replies as he steps over to the bed. Gathering Allura into his arms, he lifts her up from the bed, holding her close to him. Looking back at the other two women, Keith smiles softly at them, "Wish me luck...if this works, Allura will be back with us."

Romelle steps forward and hugs Keith and Allura together. She places a soft kiss on Allura's forehead then looks into Keith's eyes, "Bring her back to us Keith..."

Nodding, he turns around and walks out of the room with the princess in his arms. Nanny crosses herself pleading, "Please dear God...let the commander bring her back."

Romelle sighs, "If anyone can...it will be Keith."

* * *

Holding Allura close to his chest, Keith inhales the scent of her hair. Lance steps beside him, his hands full as he states, "I hope this works..."

Keith sighs as they leave the castle and walk to Black lion, who is lying on the ground, waiting for them, "This has to work Lance...it's the only thing I haven't tried yet."

Walking up to the lion, Lance shifts the items in his hands to press the button, opening the side door on the lion to the cockpit. He lets Keith walk in first then follows him, setting the items down beside the command chair as Keith settles himself down, shifting Allura so he can hold her and still pilot the lion.

Stepping back toward the door, Lance smiles at him, "Good luck." then exits the lion.

Placing the key in the ignition, Keith takes a deep breath as he grabs the controls with one hand while glancing into Allura's unmoving face, "Here we go..."

* * *

Landing in the meadow, Keith lands the lion, placing it in a position so it is lying prone along the ground. Rising, he sets Allura in the command chair for a moment then picks up the supplies Lance had placed in the lion. He exits to prepare the area then comes back a moment later.

Picking Allura up, he carries her out of the lion and walks across the meadow. Approaching the blanket he had laid down moments earlier, Keith steps on it then kneels down, placing Allura in the middle on her back.

Reaching under her skirt, Keith removes her sandals then sits beside her long enough to pull off his own boots and socks. Looking up at the sky for a moment, he takes in the warmth of the sun and looks up at the clouds in the sky. Turning back to Allura, he lies down along side of her, using his fingers to push the hair off of her face while thinking, '_Here we go...if she won't come out for this fantasy...she won't come out at all_.' Smiling down on her, Keith whispers, "Wake up Allura...you are missing the day."

When she only blinks absently, Keith sighs and reaches across her for a flower. Plucking a daisy, he runs it down her face, using it to trace her lips gently while whispering, "Please wake up my Princess...I yearn to listen to the sound of your voice saying my name."

Moving the flower to her cheek, Keith places his lips near hers, whispering, "Come on Sweetheart...say my name." and places the lightest of kisses on her lips.

Glancing back up into her eyes to find her still gone, Keith swears under his breath then moves on. Using the flower, he traces her lips once more then slides it down her chin and neck, moving to the valley between her breasts.

His lips soon follow a similar path, kissing her chin then nuzzling her neck. "Come on Allura...come back to me." He whispers before leaning down to give a lingering kiss to the soft skin between her breasts. Moving his lips, he lightly grazes the side of one high thrusting breast, the skin slightly visible under the halter-top of her sundress.

Keith lifts his head up when he hears her sudden intake of breath. Looking into her eyes, he watches as she blinks several times before her eyes move from looking up at the sky to his face. He smiles softly at her as she whispers, "Keith?"

"Hello Allura..." Sliding the flower back over her, he runs it from her forehead to her nose then down to her lips as he adds, "I've been waiting for you."

A sob escapes her as her eyes move around wildly, taking in the flowers surrounding them before facing Keith and asking, "Am I dreaming?"

"No, it's really me." He sets the flower aside and moves to caress her cheek.

"But you left me...you left…me." Allura sobs out as her eyes fill with tears. Raising a hand, she touches his cheek as if to test he is really there.

Keith smiles softly at her as he replies, "I returned...to bring you back." Moving his hand, he wipes the tears from her eyes as he whispers, "I'm here to stay Allura..."

Tears continue down the princess' face as she reaches up for him, pulling him down to her. Wrapping his arms around her, Keith whispers into her ear as he holds her close to him, "It's all right Allura…I'll never leave you again."

* * *

Sometime later, Keith smiles as Allura lifts her head from his chest to look into his eyes. Reaching up with his hand, he caresses her cheek as she pushes her face into his hand. She studies his eyes for several moments before asking, "How?"

"How what, Allura?" Keith asks as he continues to caress her cheek.

She sniffles lightly before answering, "You...hate me. I don't...understand..."

Keith releases a deep sigh before he rolls them over on the blanket so she lies beneath him once more. His fingers move along her hair, pushing it off her face then caressing her cheek. "I'm sorry Allura...I never understood how you felt about me."

Her sorrowful eyes study him carefully as she asks, "But how..."

Leaning down, Keith places a kiss on her forehead, then each of her eyes, finishing with a soft kiss on her nose. He smiles at her once more before replying, "You were lost, Allura...lost inside your own mind, to a fantasy world where I loved you."

Tears leak out of her eyes as she tries to look away from him. Keith pulls on her chin until she looks at him again before continuing, "Stay with me, don't go back to that world...ever again." Sighing for a moment, he adds, "They thought you would come back if I returned...but even though I spoke to you...you wouldn't leave that place in your mind."

As she continues to watch him, Keith says, "Coran found your journal...he gave it to me to read so that I could understand..."

Allura's blushes almost immediately as she whispers, "You read my journal?"

Nodding at her, Keith replies, "Yes, thanks to your journal, I finally understood everything that's happened in the last two years. Things I misunderstood before...things you tried to tell me but I wouldn't let you."

As she tries to turn away from him in embarrassment, Keith grabs onto her shoulders to pull her close to him, hugging her against him, "Allura..." He whispers into her ear, "Do not be embarrassed that I read your secret thoughts...if I wouldn't have, we wouldn't be here."

Pulling back, Keith looks down into her eyes as he whispers, "And I wouldn't know that you love me more than life itself."

A tentative smile slips over Allura's lips. Keith smiles softly back at her as he caresses her cheek. Raising her hand, Allura runs her fingers over his lips and he kisses them gently as she asks, "What now?"

The smile leaves Keith's face for a moment as he shifts his gaze away from her, "I need time Allura. I loved Jocelyn...I can't just..."

Allura places her fingers against his lips to stop him from speaking. He looks back at her to only to see a sad smile cross her lips as she quietly replies, "I understand..."

Pulling away from him, Allura starts to sit up only to have Keith pull her back down underneath him, pinning her to the ground. His eyes study hers for a moment before he tells her, "We've gone down so many wrong roads because we didn't communicate Allura...I want to be clear about this."

As her blue eyes watch him seriously, Keith leans down and kisses her lightly on the lips before lifting his head to state, "We have a future Allura. I know that I care about you...I have no doubt one day I will love you, but I need time to grieve for Jocelyn and the life we lost." He pauses a moment before adding, "And you need to spend some time working with Dr. Smith. You need to learn to deal with situations Allura, without resorting to hiding within your mind."

His dark eyes gaze into hers as he adds, "No more masks Allura…not between us. I want you to always tell me what you are thinking and never feel like you need to hide from me."

Tears fill Allura's eyes as she nods at him and Keith smiles once more, "I have a favor to ask."

Allura wipes the tears off her cheeks as she replies, "Yes?"

"I need you Allura...I need you to teach my daughter how to be a lady, to tell her stories about princesses and their knights...to dance amongst the flowers...to hide in the pantry and sneak chocolate." Moving his hand, Keith wipes the rest of her tears away adding, "But most importantly...how to drive Nanny crazy."

A soft laugh escapes Allura as he finishes, "Help me raise my daughter." Allura nods at him as Keith smiles down at her. He leans down and places another light kiss on her lips, "I want my daughter to grow up knowing about Jocelyn, how she gave her life so that she could live. But I also want Lila to call you her mother."

Tears run out of Allura's eyes as she reaches up for Keith, pulling him down against her once more as she whispers into his ear, "I love you Keith...my knight...my protector...my love."

Raising his head, Keith smiles down at Allura once more before he leans down and places a final chaste kiss on her lips.

* * *

10 Months Later:

A daisy hangs, twirling in front of her eyes as she opens them. A soft female laugh echoes in the clearing as her small hands reach up for the flower even as it follows a path from her forehead down to her smiling rosebud lips. "Mama…"

Allura smiles brightly at Lila as she finally manages to grab the daisy away from her and proceeds to pick the petals off, trying to eat one. Gently taking it away from her, a laugh escapes Allura at the look on the toddler's face, "No Lila…you don't eat flowers. You smell them."

She holds the flower to her nose and inhales its soft scent before looking back at the little girl, "Hmm…see smells pretty." Moving the flower, she holds it in front of Lila's nose, "Smell the pretty flower."

Lila's little fingers close around the flower once more and she holds it to her nose then holds it out to Allura. Bending down, the princess makes a big show of smelling the flower then moves to tickle the child in front of her, listening to her sweet laughter.

Sitting a few feet away from them, Keith looks up from the journal in his hands as he listens to his daughter's laughter. Smiling broadly at them as he watches Allura play with Lila, he turns his attention back to the journal and reads what he just finished writing.

**_Dear Diary,_**

**_Today is a bittersweet day. It's Lila's first birthday and the one year anniversary of Jocelyn's death. I'm trying to look past the sorrow that thought brings and enjoy the wonderful things Fate has given me instead._**

**_I have a beautiful daughter that looks much like her mother and in many ways, acts like her. Lila definitely has her mother's heart and is a daily reminder of how much Jocelyn loved me. I have so many friends here at the palace. Anytime I've needed someone to help me with Lila, all I have to do is ask. The sad part is that there are times I have to beat people off so I can spend time with my daughter._**

"KEITH LOOK!" Allura's voice calling out to him draws his attention away from the book in his lap. "Watch this…" She says as she helps Lila to stand then pulls her hands away as she tells her daughter, "Dance for Daddy!"

A laugh escapes him as he watches Lila start to bounce while giggling at Allura. Her dark eyes shine with happiness and her shoulder length auburn hair moves in the gentle wind. She pulls up on the ends of her emerald dress to show him her diaper as Allura continues to chant to her.

Shaking his head at them, he moves his attention back to his journal.

**_Then there is Allura…my sweet Princess Allura. I've learned so much about her in the last year…things I never even realized I didn't know. You would think after living with someone for three years, you would know almost everything about that person. I'm still amazed by how much I didn't know. Favorite colors, foods…those are easy. I'm talking about things that make her happy…just the smallest things like telling her how much I appreciated her giving Lila's birthday party this afternoon. The smile on her face Diary…it lit up the entire room._**

**_I love her Diary…Jocelyn's wish has come true. I realized a few days ago just how much she means to me. It happened when Lila was sick, she had been teething and running a high fever. I still don't do well when she's ill Diary. Surprisingly, Allura is the one that keeps me calm. As I held Lila close, Allura wrapped her arms around both of us while humming a lullaby. As Lila's eyes closed with sleep finally, she leaned up on her toes to kiss my cheek…it was then that I knew. Dr. Smith was right, Jocelyn is still in my heart and I will always love her, but there is plenty of room in there for Allura…I don't have to choose, I can love them both._**

Looking up, his eyes fall on the fair princess. A smile is on her face as she gently pulls her hair out of Lila's fingers. '_Her hair_… _She always takes it down when we are alone…ever since I told her I like it that way.'_ Keith thinks with a smile.

Looking back down at his journal, Keith sighs. He's been keeping one since Dr. Smith suggested it to him as a way to sort out his feelings shortly after he managed to wake Allura. He can't believe how helpful it's been to write in his joys, his fears…sometimes just to get something off his chest.

Shifting, he puts the pen to it once more to finish the entry.

**_I've made a decision Diary…I'm going to ask Allura to marry me. Not today by any means, I'm not sure that either of us is ready for that. But soon, perhaps on her birthday…it's four months away and maybe by then I'll be ready._**

**_Keith_**

He closes the book and sets it aside as Allura picks up Lila then moves over by him, "I think this little girl needs a nap." Shifting his gaze to his daughter, he smiles softly at her as her rosebud lips form a yawn while she rubs her eyes. Her little arms reach out to him as she says, "Dada…"

Taking her away from Allura, he settles Lila on his chest then holds out a hand to the princess. As she places her hand within his, he pulls her down alongside of him. With one arm on his daughter's back and the other holding Allura to his side, Keith sighs as he looks down into her upturned face.

Allura's blue eyes sparkle up at him as she whispers, "I love you…"

Smiling at her, Keith tilts his head down and kisses her softly then whispers to her for the first time, "And I love you my Princess."

As her eyes grow wide with happiness and a smile lights up her face, Keith leans down and presses his lips to hers again, deepening the kiss as he holds his family close to him.

* * *

Authors' Note:

As we wrote this story, it was based on a couple of ideas. What happens if you don't tell someone you love them and hide it from that person? What happens when that person finds a new love, because they have no idea that you care for them?

That's the focus of this story; Keith doesn't love Allura at first…BECAUSE…she hid her feelings for him. She also became so good at hiding her thoughts and feelings that no one knew, not Lance (her friend), Nanny or Coran.

We had so many people (our friends and editors) argue with us that someone should have noticed something when Allura was depressed. But you have to understand another point, the others (Lance, Hunk and Pidge) were no longer her friends, they had written her off and no longer paid her any attention. Unless she was a bleeding heap, lying on the floor, they weren't going to notice the fact that she wasn't eating and was depressed.

Then…there was the mask. Allura's mask hid all her thoughts and feelings, so even if they had looked at her, she would have smiled at them and pretended everything was fine. That's the main point of the story…when you hide something so important because you are afraid of getting hurt…pain is inevitable.

The Voltron Queens (Mertz and Wade Wells)


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